


Forever Kind of Love: One Shots

by Libstar



Category: Holby City
Genre: AU, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2018-11-07 05:58:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 68,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11052756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Libstar/pseuds/Libstar
Summary: Snippets from the Forever Kind of Love verse I have created and fallen in love with, they probably won't be in a particular order but I'll try and make sure it's obvious where they fit into the story.





	1. You Come to my Room at 4am for a Cuddle?

**Author's Note:**

> I love this verse so much that I just can't help writing more and more of it. Also, this gives you guys a chance to get involved, I'm accepting prompts and requests for little snippets you want to see from this verse.

Serena rolls over with a groan, rubs her eyes and tries to work out what the hell had woken her up, it’s still dark outside and a glance at the clock tells her it's almost four in the morning and she flops down onto the pillows, forces her eyes closed and wills herself back to sleep, there really is no reason for her to be awake so early, especially with finals finished for the year. She’s just drifting off again when what woke her in the first lace because abundantly clear, a knock on the door followed by her name, whispered but loud enough to carry. She considers ignoring it, knows there is only one person it could be and doesn't know whether she wants to punish her or put her out of her misery. The third knock has her rolling out of bed, thinking more about the other girls in the block than herself and pulls the door open a crack, fixes the blonde leant against her stoop with a raised eyebrow.

  
“’Rena!” Bernie slurs and her smile is broad, Serena battles to keep the stern look on her face as she takes her all in, she looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards, Serena had left her in the uni bar at midnight, wanting a decent nights sleep, clearly Bernie's way of celebrating finals being over was much different to hers.

  
“Bernie,” she sighs, rubs her eyes again, she really is still exhausted, “It’s four am, what are you doing here?”

  
“Wanted to see you ’Rena,” Bernie slurs and Serena has to reach for her to stop her falling, tugs her through the door and snaps it closed behind them both, “Missed you,” Bernie mutters, buries her face in Serena's neck and breathes her in.

  
“How much did you drink?” Serena asks, strokes her fingers through Bernie's hair and leads them to the bed, “I told you to go easy,”

  
“Bad influences,” Bernie sighs, dropping onto the bed, barely capable of keeping herself upright while Serena slips off her shoes, tries to help her out of her jeans, “You weren't there to keep me right.”

  
“That's because I was exhausted, still am,” Serena huffs, tugging Bernie's t-shirt over her head, “I was supposed to see you in the morning.”

  
“I wanted to see you nowwwww, you looked so pretty tonight, and happy, I just wanted to see you!” Bernie babbles and Serena pushes her hair behind her ear with a fond smile, she’d never dreamed that she would find someone who made her feel like this, never mind so soon in her life, but with Bernie she could see the future, the life they talked about, even when the blonde was driving her insane.

  
“Into bed with you, come on,” she prompts, helps Bernie manoeuvre under the covers, kisses her forehead and then moves to get her a glass of water and some pain killers, “Take these and drink this,” she prompts, handing everything over and then squeezing herself into what space is left in the single bed. Bernie dutifully drinks the water though Serena knows it will make little difference to the hangover the blonde will have come morning, or more likely afternoon. When she's done she shuffles down in the bed with a contented sigh, pulls Serena close to her, tucks her head under her chin and kisses her head.

  
“Love you S’rena,” she murmurs and a minute later, she's snoring. Serena sighs, twists to press a kiss to her chest and wills her body to relax, to let her sleep a little longer.

  
“Love you too Bernie,” she murmurs and then let's sleep claim her too.

* * *

 

When she wakes again the sun is shining behind the curtains and Bernie is snoring in her ear, she feels a little better, still tired, but this time she knows she won't go back to sleep, knows that Bernie has a few hours sleep left in her, so she rolls out of bed. She stretches in front of the window, wincing at the tightness in her back from too much time spent bent over books studying and not enough time spent looking after herself. She has a protein bar, leftover from hours spent cramming in the last week and a strong mug of coffee before she digs her running gear out from the bottom of her wardrobe where it had been relegated when studying became more important and pulls it on. There's no more rowing until term starts again but that's no reason to let herself go and she knows that the exercise will make her feel better and get her out into the world, the fresh air will do her good.

  
When she gets back to her room she feels great, she's sweating, the morning warm already, but she’d eaten up the six miles with relative ease and her muscles feel better now that she’s stretched them out a bit. Bernie is sat up in bed when she closes the door behind herself, is rubbing at her eyes and looking around confused, though she smiles when her eyes find Serena standing just inside the doorway, stretching out her limbs.

  
“Oh it lives!” Serena laughs, tugs her t-shirt over her head and scrubs her face with it to dry it off, “How are we feeling? Headache?”

  
“Ugh,” Bernie groans, scrubs at her face again, “How did I end up back here? You left before me didn’t you?”

  
“I did,” Serena agrees, downs a glass of water before she straddles the blondes knees, brushes the blondes hair our of her face, “But someone turned up at my door at 4am wanting a cuddle.”

  
“Oh shit, baby I'm sorry,” Bernie flushes pink and Serena chuckles, leans forwards to kiss her lightly, “You were so exhausted too.”

  
“I was, but it's nice to be wanted,” Serena smiles, kisses her again, “Now I’m going to go and shower and then, you can take me for that breakfast you promised me.”

  
“I could do with a shower too,” Bernie smirks and Serena chuckles, climbs off the bed and reaches for Bernie’s hand, tugs her along behind her, closes the bathroom door behind them with a laugh. Serena feels relaxed for the first time in weeks, the summer stretched out before her, before them and she’s ready to grasp it with both hands, make the most of it before their final year kicks in and finding time for each other gets hard again.


	2. Charlotte

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @holbycasualtylove said: I'd love to see the times (or a time) Serena announces her pregnancy (or bernie does) you may have touched on it in the other fics but scenes like that just turn me into emotional messes (in a good way) 
> 
> I hope this lives up to your expectations, it brings together things I've touched on elsewhere, mostly in Announcements and Arrivals.
> 
> I've got a few more prompts waiting to be written but keep them coming, I love this universe too much to quit so I'll just start making up my own prompts if I don't get any!

For the first time in her life, Serena is nervous about meeting Bernie at the airport. It's not that she doesn’t want to see her wife, far from it, she’d give anything to see her, but she's never kept a secret from her before and in an hour or so, she's going to have to work out how to spill the beans so to speak. The surprise had seemed like a good idea in theory, but in practice it had turned into a nightmare, one she hadn’t had the heart to share with Bernie when she was so far away.

  
She's pleased that it's a late afternoon flight this time, shamefully uses Cameron as a barrier between them. Of course she hugs Bernie, whispers that she loves her, that she's glad she's home but she lets Cameron monopolise Bernie's attention from the minute they meet in airport arrivals to the minute he falls asleep, head pressed against his mumma’s side as she reads him a bedtime story. She wants to prolong the moment a little further, still hasn’t worked out how to go about it, once Cam is asleep and they have pulled the door to behind them, it doesn't help that the hormones have had her libido through the roof and she’s been horny for about a month, having her wife home, lean and tanned, has only made it worse. She knows that Bernie isn’t stupid, there have been several questioning looks, mostly when Serena has shunned any advances Bernie has made towards physical contact, but every time, Serena has just smiled, given a little shake of the head and Bernie seems content to leave it until later.

  
“Why don't you have a shower?” She suggests as they wander along to their bedroom, it's still early but she knows that wherever they end up they will curl up together and it might as well be in their bed as anywhere else.

  
“Join me?” Bernie murmurs, loops an arm around her shoulder and kisses her temple, Serena chuckles, nudges her in the ribs,

  
“No, go get the plane off you,” she smiles, turns to give Bernie the full body hug she’s wanted since she picked her up. The blondes hands trail down her back, over her backside and her libido spikes and she buries her face in her wife's neck and groans, lays kisses over the skin under her mouth, “quickly, I've got a surprise for you.”

Bernie chuckles, practically skips to the bathroom and Serena floats around the bedroom, pulls the curtains closed, folds down the duvet on the bed. Bernie is out of the bathroom in ten minutes, wet hair tousled around her face in nothing but a pair of boxers and a tank top, the muscle is even more apparent in her current state and Serena is across the room in a second, her hands gripping the hair at the nape of Bernie's neck as she brings their lips together, hot and torrid.

“There’s the reaction I’ve been looking for all day,” Bernie grins when they pull apart and Serena trails her mouth down her neck,

  
“Lie down,” Serena groans, pushes Bernie towards the bed, waits until she has thrown herself into the middle of it and straddles her waist. “I have a surprise.”

  
“You mentioned, care to share?” Bernie’s hands are running up and down her thighs and in her state it makes it difficult to concentrate, she takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a second and then takes hold of Bernie's hands, slides them with her own up under her shirt and over her swollen stomach, she watches Bernie's face for her reaction, sees the confusion, then the realisation and then the joy before Bernie surges up to kiss her fiercely.

  
“When?” She mumbles, her hands constantly moving over the sensitive skin, “God Serena you’re gorgeous,”

  
“Four months ago, I wanted to surprise you, you’re going to be a mumma again.” It's hot and heavy after that, Bernie gives her everything she needs, everything she’s wanted for weeks, she lays her down, strips her slowly, trails her body with kisses and murmured words of adoration.

  
Later, when they are curled up together in the middle of the bed, Bernie's fingers still trailing over her stomach, the odd kiss being pressed to her shoulder, her head, she starts to talk, tells the whole story, thinks Bernie has the right to know, knows she can't carry it alone forever.

  
“It wasn’t so easy this time,” she murmurs and she feels Bernie stiffen slightly, “Part of the reason I didn’t tell you was because…” Now that she needs to say it she’s not sure she can, she’s been terrified for the whole of this pregnancy that the same thing would happen again and she’d be on her own, having to keep going while she was tearing apart inside. She rolls so she's facing her wife and burrows into her, lets the tears fall that she’s been keeping at bay since the second time. Bernie folds her in her arms and holds her tight, doesn't say anything, knows she doesn't need to.

  
“How many?” She croaks out after a few long minutes and Serena can hear the tears in her voice,

  
“Two,” she crumbles again, sobs, and Bernie pulls her impossibly tighter, cries into the top of her head,

  
“Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”

  
“I was supposed to be ready to pop by the time I met you off that plane,” she tries to lighten the mood but her laugh is wet and it ends on a sob, “But this little one is doing well, making me sick all hours of the day.”

“But you’re doing ok?” Bernie pulls back, strokes her fingers over her face, through her hair,

  
“I am,” she nods and manages a watery smile, “Better now you’re here, now I’ve been able to tell you. I didn't want to tell you any of it over the phone, I didn't think it was right.”

“Part of me is glad you didn’t, I would have gone crazy not being here to look after you but I hate that you had to go through any of this on your own.”

  
“Sian’s been good,” Serena offers, “She stayed with me for a few nights, both times, looked after Cam,”

  
“Good, I'm glad there was someone here with you, I just wish it had been me.”

* * *

 

Bernie is practically buzzing with the need to tell someone the news by the time she meets her squad for a drink mid leave. Serena is at home with Cam, begged off meeting the boys because she’s had a bad day but encourages Bernie to go, knows it will do her good to get out a bit.

  
She’s emailed her parents and told them, doesn’t expect anything in return, doesn't expect any acknowledgement of the fact they are expecting their second child. She doesn't remember the last time they spoke, she called when they knew Serena was expecting the first time, left a message, heard nothing in return, it makes her a little sad, but not sad enough to stop the grin on her face or the spring in her step. Her parents have never accepted the lifestyle she leads, never really accepted Serena, didn't come to their wedding, as much as she would like them to be accepting the army has offered her a second family, a family who live and eat and sleep in close quarters for large parts of the year, a family who all have each others backs.

  
“No point asking how being home is treating you,” Douglas says the minute she joins the group, slaps her on the shoulder and hands her one of the pints already lined up on the bar, “That wife of yours missed you has she? Making up for all those lonely nights?”

  
“Carrying our second child,” Bernie says from behind her pint, feels her grin grow impossibly wider, she's been driving Serena insane all week with her constant ridiculous smile that has made it impossible for her wife to stay cross with her even when she forgets to switch on the dishwasher for the third day in a row.

  
“No!” Douglas grins, turns to the others and bellows, “Hey guys! Bern’ is going to be a dad again!”

  
“Oh haha,” she mocks, nudges him in the ribs before accepting the congratulations of her friends, her colleagues, the drinks that keep coming in her direction all night.

  
She’s still grinning like a lunatic when she stumbles through the front door at gone midnight, trips up the stairs and into the bedroom where Serena is still awake, sitting up in bed with a book. She puts it on the bedside table when she hears Bernie coming, is smirking by the time the blonde makes it through the door.

  
“Good night darling?” She asks, watches Bernie almost fall over trying to get out of her jeans, take pity on her when she gets stuck with her t-shirt over her head, “come here,” she scolds, swing her feet over Bernie's side of the bed and is behind her in seconds, her hands stroking over her arms and freeing her from the fabric. She gets back into bed and watches the blonde stumble around a bit more before crawling in beside her, her head going into Serena's lap, nose pressed against her ever growing baby bump.

  
“The boys say congratulations,” she smiles and Serena can't resist brushing her fingers through her hair,

  
“Is that why they sent you back to me sos drunk?” She asks with a raised eyebrow and Bernie grins up at her, her eyes already beginning to slip closed.

  
“Not drunk.” She mutters, catches the hand in her hair and kisses it, puts it back where it came from, “Love you Mrs Wolfe.” Her eyes are closed when she turns her face back to Serena's stomach, presses a kiss to it, “Love you baby Wolfe.”


	3. The 'I Do's'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For @bialevin on tumblr (I think you're BlueBeetle here too but my brain hurts too much for me to work it out!) who asked about the wedding. I feel like this reads more like a chapter outline that needs to be filled out but I hope you get the idea!
> 
> Keep the prompts coming lovelies and I promise I'm about to head back over to Coming Home and Sabbatical to write updates for them.

Their wedding is a quiet affair, partly because it's what they want, partly because of how quickly they decide to do it. There are four guests, Sian, Serena's childhood best friend, Lieutenant Douglas who has served with Bernie since her first tour and has become like an older brother to her and Serena's parents. Bernie's parents are conspicuous in their absence, although it comes as a surprise to no one in the room, it would perhaps have caused more of a stir if they had turned up.   
  
Bernie tries to tell herself that she doesn't care, her relationship with her parents has been strained since she moved away to study, well, her relationship with her father has been strained, her relationship with her mother suffering because of the older woman's inability to stand up to him. They have never met Serena, her father telling her that unless she was brining home a suitable man who she planned to marry he wasn't interested, that she would not bring shame onto the family by bringing a girlfriend under his roof, her mother hadn't said much but her lack of support had spoken volumes. They attended her passing out parade but didn't stick around to speak to her, didn't even take a minute to congratulate her, but she hopes at least that that day she had made them proud. She never expected them to actually attend her wedding but the lack of acknowledgement had stung, she never expected her father to understand but she still had hope that her mother might, had sent her a letter telling her all about Serena, about how much she loved her, how much she completed her, it breaks her heart that that letter goes totally unanswered.   
  
Its a beautiful day, just three weeks after their engagement, sprung on Bernie when she arrived home from tour. She is only thankful that Serena didn't get down on one knee in the airport with her colleagues watching, she never would have lived it down. Instead, as they had hugged their hello, Serena clinging to Bernie like her life depended on it, Serena whispered the question in her ear, her voice heavy with tears.  
  
"I have a ring, I had a plan, but I saw you and I didn't want to wait," she murmurs when Bernie has agreed, when they have sealed the deal with a kiss and their foreheads are pressed together, matching grins on their faces. They had decided that night, lying in bed, curled up in each other, that they wanted to do it before Bernie went away again, as far as both of them are concerned, this is where they have been heading from the start and for Bernie, its a safety net, the knowledge that, if anything were to happen to her while she was away, Serena would be the one they contacted, Serena would be the one they looked after.  
  
It's just a registry office job, Sian and Douglas their witnesses, Serena's parents there because they were invited and they wanted to be, although Adrienne can be cold, they have been nothing but supportive, Serena's happiness their priority no matter who she finds that happiness with. The rings, Campbell family heirlooms, once belonging to Serena's Granny and Grandmother respectively are not to Bernie's tastes but they mean a lot to Serena and so they mean the world to her, Serena has promised her a plain band too, knows that Bernie is just being polite, knows that while she is away any ring will be worn around her neck or tucked into a pocket but wants her to have something she's comfortable wearing when she is home.

Serena keeps her dress a secret, tries to persuade Bernie to wear her dress uniform but doesn't get very far with that, when she asks Bernie why she shrugs, shakes her head, doesn't really know herself but knows that wearing her uniform is the last thing she wants to do. She settles on a well tailored suit, black cigarette pants and blazer with a crisp white shirt, the only concession she makes to Serena's wishes is that she wears heels, perfectly pointed black stilettos, a little higher than she usually would go for.  
  
When the music starts she bounces on her toes, feels her nerves all at once, nerves that she didn't think she would feel because she's never wanted anything more in her life, but they are there, a kaleidoscope of butterflies taking flight in her stomach which settle as soon as her eyes meet Serena's, the brunettes grin wide and calming. She looks stunning, has managed to find a beautiful tea length wedding dress that fits her perfectly, hugs her curves, flares out at her hips. Bernie is appalled to feel tears building in her eyes, swore to herself that she wouldn't cry, but can't seem to help it. Even in her own heels Serena has to press onto her toes to kiss her cheek when she reaches her,  
  
"Now, now soldier, we'll have none of that." she murmurs with her forehead pressed against Bernie's temple, they share a small moment, just the two of them, the rest of the room falling away for a second while they breathe together, before they get the official part out of the way. There are laughs and a few tears but its perfect and Bernie wouldn't change it.   
  
Afterwards they go out for dinner and champagne before the two of them are whisked away to Paris, an unexpected wedding gift from Serena's parents, a perfect way to celebrate their relationship and their love for each other.

* * *

  
  
Twenty years later Bernie decides that she does want to do it again, not because she regrets anything but because she wants to remind her wife, the world, exactly how much she loves her. She wants it to be a surprise, spring it on Serena like Serena sprang their engagement on her so she drafts in the kids, grown up now and sensible enough to keep quiet, in to help her.   
  
She books a large cottage out in the sticks, ropes Sian in to officiate since it's just about renewing vows and doesn't require anything official, invites all of their friends, colleagues from the hospital, her old squad buddies, Adrienne, her mother, aunts, uncles, anyone who she can think of. She tells Serena that they are going on holiday, just the two of them, that she's already squared it away with Henrick and everything is sorted, nothing to worry about.   
  
She sends the kids up a few days before to get the place ready, engineers a day off for herself when Serena is working so she can join them and make sure everything is perfect. When they arrive the following day the kids are already settled in and Serena beams at them, its been too long since they were all together, something Serena has been lamenting recently and Bernie knows that their secret is still safe.  
  
Serena raises an eye brow when Sian arrives but Bernie simply smiles and shrugs, kisses the top of Serena's head as she passes into the garden. Chuckles when she hears Sian ushering her wife upstairs to show her the view, an attempt to sneak a few more people into the house. It's Fletch that blows the cover, his booming voice bouncing around the space has Serena running down the stairs to find out what on earth is going on. Fletch has the good grace to hide his face in Raf's shoulder when Bernie scowls at him before she sweeps her wife up in her arms, presses their foreheads together.  
  
"Surprise," she grins even as Serena frowns,   
  
"Surprise, our holiday has been infiltrated by half of the hospital?" she asks with a raised eyebrow and Bernie kisses her lightly, chuckles against her lips,  
  
"No, surprise we're renewing our vows and all of our friends have made it to celebrate with us." she didn't count on the tears but at least Serena is smiling as she makes a mess of her makeup, "I love you Serena, I thought it was about time we celebrated that again."  
  
With everyone there they make their vows, Ellie makes a speech, has beaten out her siblings for the right, Bernie didn't dare ask how they had decided it, and Jason reads one of Serena's favorite poems, Sian is funny, even if she does skirt slightly too close to the inappropriate on more than one occasion. The BBQ is fired up afterwards, Sacha and Ric taking charge, alcohol flowing freely. They have the first dance they never had, dance most of the night away with their friends and family around them.   
  
They are woken the next day by the beginnings of the clean up but don't move from where they are curled together in each others arms.  
  
"I love you," Bernie murmurs, presses a kiss to Serena's bare shoulder, "I know it's been tough recently and I wanted to make sure you knew.  
  
"Oh Bernie, not matter what else is going on never doubt that I love you and I know how much you love me,” Serena says, rolling so she's facing her wife and brushing the fringe out of the blondes eyes, “But thank you so my for doing this.”

“It’s not over yet,” Bernie smiles, leans up to kiss her, “We’re staying here with the kids for a few days and then we are going on holiday,”

“But the ward…”

“Ric is standing in while we are away, we deserve this break darling, we need it.”

“No, you’re right,” Serena concedes, squeezes Bernie tightly, “Than you for always looking out for me, for all of us.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's amazing what I manage to produce when I need a distraction from getting tattooed! 
> 
> A few days ago I posted the NSFW Meme based on this universe over on my tumblr (http://libstarsr.tumblr.com/post/161698655619/the-nsfw-meme-that-no-one-asked-for-but-bialevin) this fic is based on one of my answers. 
> 
> Who is more experimental?They’ve learnt together what they like, experimented together though Serena was the one who went out and bought the toys, made the plans when Bernie was too shy or embarrassed to do it herself. As they get older together they are less experimental but sometimes Serena packs a bag and sends Bernie a text to meet her in an out of town hotel so they can have some fun together
> 
> I quite enjoyed writing this and pushed myself a little further than I normally would when things get a bit steamy. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this and as always, thank you for the constant support. Don't forget to hit me up if you have anything you want to see in these little one shots. You guys rock x

Bernie's phone pings halfway through surgery, only in her pocket because they had rushed into theatre much faster than any of them would have liked. By the time she scrubs out she's all but forgotten about the noise that she only noticed because it was discordant to the sounds around it, the sounds of theatre she was used to. She has to go back to the ward via the locker room to change out of blood soaked scrubs into a fresh pair, tosses her phone into her locker and forgets to pick it back up as she continues her day.

* * *

 

It's almost two hours past her actual finish time when she finally makes it back to the locker room to change into her street clothes, a last minute trauma call pulling her into theatre again just before she was due to leave for the day. She leaves her phone sitting while she changes back into her skinny jeans and shirt, knows if there had been an emergency at home and Serena couldn't reach her she'd have called the ward. She's practically at the car when she opens her messages and she stops with a smirk, doubles back to pick up coffee and pastries from Pulses. While she's waiting in line she dials her wife's number and waits, drums her fingers against the back of the device, her day has vastly improved and is only about to get better.

"I was beginning to think you weren't interested," Serena purrs when she answers and Bernie smirks, makes her order with sign language, pleased that the barista knows her well enough to know exactly what she's after.

"Oh no, I'm definitely interested, but I only just got out of theatre and my phone has been in my locker all afternoon."

"Berenice Wolfe, when will you learn that it's in your best interests to keep your phone with you." Serena chuckles darkly and Bernie shivers, "hang up now, I'll send you the room number and a little incentive to get here quickly and safely." Bernie doesn't dare check her phone until she's safely behind the wheel of her car, she knows what kind of incentives Serena sends, not wanting to share them with anyone and knowing her luck Dom would appear behind her just as she was opening the message and see everything. It's quite tame compared to Serena's usual pictures but it's still more than enough to hear her blood, a silhouette of Serena's hip and thigh clad only in black silk underwear and garter belt.

Bernie loves when Serena gets like this. It's harder, with the kids, for them to tap into the playful side of their sex life, constantly worried that they will be interrupted, but when she gets these texts she knows she's in for a treat. She drives just on the right side of the speed limit all the way to the hotel, takes a minute to check herself in the mirror, pulls her hair up into a messy bun as much as she can when it's so short, before she hands her keys to the concierge and heads inside. As usual there's a key waiting for her at the front desk and she's pleased when the lift up to their floor is empty, tucks her shirt in, belts her trench coat loosely and checks herself one last time in the mirror before she steps into the corridor. The suite is silent when she slips through the door and allows it to click closed behind her but she knows exactly where to find Serena so moves straight for the bedroom, she isn't disappointed in the slightest. Serena is propped up against the pillows in brand new matching underwear and stockings, stilettos on her feet, her eyes smokey and her lips a deep red and Bernie has to take a moment to steady herself, knows how these nights go and knows she wants it to play out that way as much as she wants to crawl over her wife immediately.

"The bath is full," Serena husks, swings her legs over the side of the bed and saunters over to Bernie, toys with the belt of her coat and ghosts a teasing kiss over the blondes mouth, "hello darling,"

"Hello my love," Bernie smiles, slips her hands over Serena's waist, round her back, and pulls her closer, her lips drifting down her neck and over her shoulder, "these are beautiful," she murmurs against the skin , trails her fingers over the waistband of Serena's underwear, smirks when she feels the brunette shiver in her arms, "come sit with my while I take a bath." It's not a request and Serena grins, takes hold of the belt of Bernie's coat and guides her into the bathroom where the tub is full of steaming water and candles are littered around.

Serena takes her time to strip Bernie out of her clothes, adept after so many years at striping her wife out of her skinny jeans while remaining poised. As she returns to her feet she trails kisses up the pale pink scar the bisects Bernie's chest, laves it a little with her tongue and Bernie shivers, strokes her fingers through Serena's cropped hair and tugs her up for a kiss, this one with more promise than any that came before. When she slips into the water she tilts her head against the back of the tub and closes her eyes, lets out a long breath and with it the stresses of the day. She's aware of Serena sitting on the edge of the tub beside her before her hand breaks the surface and her nails trail over Bernie's thigh, she opens her door eyes and is surprised to see Serena's pupils blown wide, hadn't realised just out ready the brunette was, feels guilty when she realises it's been almost a month since they've shared any kind of intimacy, it's no wonder Serena took things into her own hands. Slipping her own hand from the water she trails it along the edge of the other woman's stockings, watches the goosebumps erupt over the bare skin, thrills at the breathy groan that falls from her lips.

"Someone is eager," she smirks, trails the fingers higher, plays with the edge of Serena's knickers at the top of her thigh, slips so she can feel the very edge of course hair and Serena groans again. "I'm sorry I haven't been looking after you darling. Have you waited all this time or have you touched yourself when I couldn't? Is that what you've done when I've been working, have you done it today while you've been waiting for me?" Serena gasps when Bernie cups her fully, presses her fingers hard against her clit through her underwear and Bernie chuckles darkly, it's time to turn the tables, this isn't about her anymore but about Serena, she'll make up for the last month and more. She can see the strap on sitting beside the sink and knows that they are both going to enjoy this, that Serena will be thrilled at being topped, that she herself will get a thrill from topping her usually dominant wife.

"Go and lie on the bed," she says, sitting forward, running her lips across the other woman's thigh, "I forbid you from touching yourself until I get there. I won't be long."

* * *

 

  
Afterwards, three orgasms a piece, Serena lays slumped over Bernie, the strap on lying discarded on the floor at the end of the bed. Bernie feels boneless and content as she strokes her fingers through her wife's hair as they both regain their breath and the use of their limbs.

"That wasn't how I envisaged tonight going," Serena mumbles, presses a kiss to Bernie's side before levering herself off the blonde and flopping down at her side, her arm dropping over her stomach,

"Complaining?" Bernie asks, linking their fingers together over her belly button, she can feel sleep tugging at the edges of her consciousness and doesn't have it in her to fight it.

"Not in the slightest, but we have late check out tomorrow so don't for one second think I won't get my way before then."


	5. "I don't know if I want to kiss you or kill you right now"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was base on the prompt "I want to either kiss you or kill you right now" over on tumblr and I used it as an opportunity to have a look at our ladies before they were married and had kids. 
> 
> Keep the prompts coming. Especially some pre kids ones because I realise I haven't looked at that part of their lives much.

Serena isn't convinced she's going to make it to the end of this night rotation in one piece. She's landed herself on the perfect ward in the perfect hospital but she's on her last night shift in a run of five and she's just about ready to drop. She's got six hours left, then three weeks off in time for Bernie coming home at the weekend. The end is so close but in the middle of her shift, called in to assist on an emergency surgery, it feels so, so far away.

When she finishes, on time for once, she almost trips out of the hospital and to her car, fumbles with the keys, drops them twice, before she finally gets them in the lock and then thinks twice about it. It's seven am, it's light already and her flat is a half hour walk from the hospital. It's safer for her to walk so she does, makes sure her car is locked and secure, that she has everything she needs, and heads in the direction of home.

It's no real surprise to her that by the time she gets home she's feeling a little more revived, thinks it's good, maybe she could have a nap and then take advantage of the day, get a proper nights sleep, reset her body clock straight away. It's unlikely to happen she knows, is sure that once she allows her body to sleep there will be no stopping it but the idea is nice.

She notices the jacket as she is shrugging out of her own, heavily worn leather, scuffed from years and years of wear, frowns at it for a second before her tired brain catches up with what she is seeing and she realises that this is Bernie's jacket, that Bernie is home four days early. There's a part of her that thinks she must be imagining things as she hangs up her jacket alongside it, drops her bag next to her shoes, but then there's a crash in the kitchen and she's moving towards the sound without a second thought. The kitchen looks like a bomb has hit it, though the idley notices that the dishes that had been filling up the sink are on the draining board clean, but then her eyes find Bernie and everything melts away. Stood in the middle of her kitchen in nothing but a tank top and boxer shorts her girlfriend is a sight to behold. Serena pauses in the doorway for a moment, Bernie is still blissfully unaware of her presence and she's glad of that because it means she can look her fill, let her eyes trail over long, long legs, the toned muscles of her back and shoulders, her hair pulled up into a messy pony tail while she makes breakfast. Serena sneaks up behind her, slips her arms around her waist and presses a kiss to her shoulder, breathes her in. Bernie jumps briefly then relaxes back into her embrace, slides her hands over Serena's forearms and wrists.

"Christ Serena you gave me a heart attack!"

"Says the woman who is home four days ahead of time!" Serena smirks, turns Bernie in her arms so she can look at her,

"I wanted to surprise you," Bernie offers a coy grin, reaches up to push Serena's hair away from her face, "I knew you were coming off a run of nights today so thought I'd make breakfast. I meant to have everything tidied by the time you got back."

"I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you," Serena offers though her actions contradict her words as she sweeps a hand over Bernie's cheekbone, pulls her close with the other arm.

"Tell you what," Bernie whispers, so close that her breath ghosts against Serena's lips, "how about you kiss me first, then decide after breakfast if you want to kill me?"


	6. Family Ties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't remember who it was but someone asked if I would write something exploring Bernie's relationship with her parents and this is it. I meant to post it yesterday but I thought I'd left the notes of scribbled on the bus, thankfully they were on my desk at work! 
> 
> I'm busy compiling a collection of FKOL headcanons mostly to use as prompts and ideas for fic but if any of you wonder about my headcanons for this universe please ask, I really love talking about it! 
> 
> As usual, thank you for being amazing, you guys rock! X

Bernie's relationship with her parents has broken down long before she leaves for university. She thinks the only reason her father doesn't kick her out before then is her mother, though the woman says so little she can't be sure, wonders if it's not more likely that he is trying to keep up appearances with the neighbours.

Once she's away they barely speak, she knows they transfer a chunk of money into her account every month only because she transfers it straight back out again. She wouldn't insult them by sending it back but she does move it into her savings, wants to prove to herself if no one else that she can do this on her own, that she can live without the money and the privilege she's been stifled by her whole life. She gets a part time job, joins the hockey society, meets a girl and falls in love, a forever kind of love, end of story.

She writes to her mum occasionally, mostly when she hits mile stones, finishes year one with a first, makes the first team in hockey, even when she meets Serena. She never expects a reply.

She feels like she's known forever that she's gay, that she's different, despite her fathers hurtful words and put downs. She was made to believe she would never find love or happiness, someone to settle down with and she thinks that's maybe why she tells them about Serena, to prove her father wrong. Her mum never said a lot during her fathers rants, didn't support his ideals but did not protect Bernie either, but she did at least hug her daughter, tell her she loved her. At the age of 19 Bernie can't remember the last time her father said he loved her, that he was proud of her.

* * *

 

It's not until she's away at uni that she realises that what she had spent her life thinking was normal is in fact far from it. Watches her dorm mates wave off their families, sometimes crying, always with a promise to speak soon while she is dropped off by a driver who moves her bags into her room and leaves without a word. Every holiday she is one of very few people who stays behind, choosing to stay and study, only goes home at Christmas, obligatory so her father doesn't have to explain to relatives why his daughter is missing from the festivities. She takes every frown, every barbed comment until the day after Boxing Day when she takes the train back again.

But it's not until she meets Serena, meets her parents, spends time under their roof that she realises exactly how different it is. Adrienne is strict but Bernie knows that everything she does has Serena's best interests at heart. Initially she rankles a little bit at her insistence of calling her Berenice rather than Bernie, something only her father and grandfather have done since she decided as a teenager that she wanted to shorten her name, but the longer they know each other the more fondness is imbued in her tone and Bernie decides she can live with it. George on the other hand is a breath of fresh air in comparison to her own father. He dotes on his little girl and by extension and given time he dotes on Bernie too. After only a few hours together Bernie knows exactly where her girlfriend gets her tactile nature from, George is even more tactile than Serena and Bernie never thought that was possible. Over the years George becomes more of a father figure to her than her own ever was to the extent that losing George effects her more than the loss of her own and the McKinnie home becomes a safe, loving place that always welcomes her.

* * *

 

When it's finally time to graduate she sends the two tickets she gets to her parents, has no one else to send them to. She doesn't find out until much later that they were actually there because they make no attempt to approach her, moss their first chance to meet Serena. They will though, know who she is, her beautiful, intelligent Serena, chosen by her peers to talk about their journey, about their futures, grins when Serena catches her eye, the butterflies she's had since the first moment they met, flutter to life. It's the first time she truly acknowledges that what is between them is forever, that she's not afraid of it.

They have a quiet dinner with George and Adrienne, attend one of the many graduation parties at a friends flat just long enough to see everyone, say goodbye to those who have landed jobs elsewhere and will be leaving the area in the next few days and ten disappear back to their flat where they drink cheap champagne and talk and talk until the sun comes up.

* * *

 

Her parents appear again at her Passing Out Parade though again they don't stick around, she only knows they are there at all because her father is hard to miss in his full uniform. It is the McKinnie's who are in the photographs from that day. More her parents than her own at that point it's George who insists on taking them all out, buys a bottle of good quality champagne, says he just wants to treat his girls, buys Bernie two fingers of scotch in heavy crystal, clinks his glass against hers with a smile and a wink. Later, when they've all had a little too much to drink, George joins her for a cigarette, tells her how proud he is of her, how much he loves her and how happy he is that Serena has found happiness with her.  
  
This time she does get an email from her mother, it's brief, but Bernie supposes its a start, doesn't dare hope that this could be the start of an improved relationship. She tells her that she's proud of her, that she wishes her grandfather, a career soldier, had been alive to see her in her uniform, knows he would have been proud too. She mentions how pretty Serena is, that she's glad that Bernie has found someone who can make her undeniably happy, tells her she loves her. She doesn't mention her father and Bernie doesn't ask about him in her brief reply, doesn't say much really but attaches her favorite picture from the day, her and Serena, Bernie's had on the brunettes head, Serena pressing a kiss to her cheek while she grins into the camera.  
  
Just before she's shipped out for the first time she emails her mother again, lets her know where she is going, how long she'll be gone (ten months that ends up being fourteen) gives her Serena's information in case anything happens and they need to reach her. The reply comes a month into the tour and not for the first time Bernie wonders how much control her father has at home. The emails come from a newly created address, have done since her passing out parade and she's almost sure that her mother is keeping their brief contact secret.

* * *

  
  
They don't come to the wedding and Bernie isn't surprised, tells herself over and over that she doesn't care, but she does, Serena knows her well enough to recognize the fact and wonders, not for the first time, how anyone, parent or otherwise, could give up the chance to know and love this woman she now had the privilege to call her wife.  
  
They come home from their trip to Paris to a letter from Marsha Wolfe with a substantial cheque folded into it. Marsha apologises over and over for not being the mother Bernie deserved, for not standing up to her husband, for missing their wedding, says she knows that the money wont, cant, fix anything but wants them to have it, wants them to use it to buy a house, start a family. she apologises to Serena too, for never taking the opportunity to get to know her, thanks her for loving her daughter. For the first time in years Bernie cries over the loss of her parents, that feeling of never belonging she carried until she met Serena and her whole world clicked into place. The end of the letter warns her not to write back, suggests that she email but that it may be a while before it is picked up and Bernie knows for sure then that her father is controlling everything, or at least thinks he is.  
 ****

* * *

It carries on in much the same way, Bernie sends brief emails outlining her next tour, when she'll be back, when she finds out Serena is expecting, when they finally settle into their new house. In return Bernie receives letters that arrive just before or after each tour ends and Serena tells her on Skype one day that a beautiful crib and blanket box have arrived for Cam.  
  
When the first letter came after the wedding Bernie had made the trip home, intent on speaking to at least her mother only to find her family home standing empty. No matter how many times she asks she doesn't get a new address until eventually she stops asking. Her mother must have her reasons.

* * *

  
  
Everything changes when she gets blown up. Her parents aren't her first or even her second thought but when her mothers usual letter arrives the day before she was due to come home she feels immediately guilty, hates that she so easily could have died without seeing her mother one last time, without introducing her to her grandchildren.  
  
They do meet in the end, she insists on it, and although it is tricky to start with they soon settle into it. Marsha takes to Serena straight away and Bernie can tell that, beneath the wariness that Serena feels at introducing this unknown into their life, the feeling is mutual. The kids love her too, another adult to give them attention, shower them with love, and Bernie starts to believe that maybe it will all be ok. They talk much more, talk on the phone and try to see each other at least once a month. They rarely talk about her father, Bernie only knows that her mother has finally stood up to him, that he knows where she is going when she leaves to meet their daughter and her family but that he's too stubborn and stuck in his ways to give anything a try.

 

* * *

When her father days, without meeting Serena or the children, after not speaking to his daughter for almost fifteen years, Bernie is conflicted. It's sudden, a stroke when he was home alone and she feels robbed of the opportunity to make things right, even if that was just a fantasy she had. She's sad of course, but she knows it is more for his mother who loved him regardless of his faults, sad for him because he will never get the chance to know the love that was waiting for him if he could only just try. She feels a little guilty, knows that she could have tried with him harder than she did until Serena and her mother tell her to stop being so ridiculous.  
  
She wears her uniform to the funeral, the first time since she was medically discharged, stands stoic beside her mother, tries not to dwell on the fact that during George's funeral she cried while at her own fathers she doesn't even feel the press of tears. Serena offers her strength, stands with them as they greet the guests, thank them for coming, bears the mixed reaction when she is introduced as Bernie's wife with a grace that Bernie herself could not manage. She reconnects with her mothers side of the family, is reminded of how much she has missed when she is faced with her cousins all grown up and with families of their own, vows not to miss any more.  
  
The tears do come eventually, when they are going through her fathers things, helping her mother prepare to move closer. She's clearing out his desk when she finds a stack of letters all addressed to her. Her mother finds her still staring at them and the picture of the children that was with them, tugs her towards the battered chesterfield in the corner and pours them both a heavy measure of scotch. She reads each one, their apologies and their regrets and her heart breaks for the father she lost because they were both too stubborn to stand down and hear the other out. For the first time since she was a child she curls into her mother and accepts her comfort, relishes the soothing fingers in her hair and swears that whatever time she has left with her mother she will make the most of, no more regrets.

* * *

  
  
They lose Marsha and Adrienne within months of each other and it rocks the whole family to the core. Serena, who had been slowly loosing Adrienne to dementia is devastated and relieved in equal measure. Bernie is only pleased that she had the chance to mend her relationship with her mother, get to know her as an adult and a mother herself.  
  
Going through her things is tough but enlightening, she finds a copy of every email, picture and letter she ever sent, even the ones that Bernie never received a reply to, slips them in with the letters she herself kept.  
  
They find themselves with two huge inheritances at once, Serena a sister she never met, can never meet, a nephew with Aspergers who they both love to death. it's a time of great change but it makes them stronger, inspired by two tough women who shaped them in their own way.


	7. Chester's Replacement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a super short piece inspired by a Headcanon about them having pets and to make up for the fact I made a few of you cry yesterday, I hope this piece is just a little bit amusing!

She never wanted to get them fish in the first place, she thinks as she wanders along rows and rows of fish tanks looking for Chester’s identical twin brother. It’s all Bernie's fault really! She’d insisted on taking them all to the Fair three weeks ago and had then fallen prey to three sets of puppy dog eyes which automatically counteracted Serena’s worst glare. To start with they had all wanted cuddly toys, which they didn't need but Serena could live wth, bit then Bernie had won Charlotte a gold fish and that had been it, game changed. They had refused to leave until the three of them we clutching identical except bags of water with gold fish swimming tiny circles in each one.

The subsequent trip to the pet store had cost them a fortune, each child insisting on a different ornament, Charlotte wanting to add plants and then Cam spotting a deep sea diver that would move up and down the tank. Bernie had earned her second glare of the day when she had suggested that the kids pick out two mummy fish for herself and Serena so their new pets had someone looking out for them causing Serena to roll her eyes so hard that the nearly fell out of her head. Motherhood had made Bernie the most ridiculous person she knew and this was another time when she didn't know whether to kiss her or strangle her!

The first few days were great, the kids had agreed that they would help with the feeding and the cleaning. Serena was adamant that they would learn to look after the animals properly She’d never had pets growing up and there was a kind of unspoken agreement that, because of their jobs, they didn't have time to properly look after a pet, at least fish needed very little care in the grand scheme of things. Serena couldn't deny that she enjoyed watching the kids interacting with their new pets, Cam mostly tried to race them of pulled faces at them through the glass but Charlotte and Ellie would talk to them, tell them stories about princess’ and fairytale castles.

Then the deaths had started, Lotso was the first to go, Ellie’s fish named after her favourite Toy Story character. Serena had come home from an early shift to find him floating in the top of the tank and had immediately called Berne in a panic.

“Lotso’s dead,” she muttered the minute her wife picked up, the phone trapped between shoulder and ear while she scooped the poor thing out of the tank, “How on earth do we explain death t our four year old?!”

“We don't,” Bernie had said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, had mercifully contained before Serena really lost her temper, “At least not yet. I’m just finishing at the supermarket then I’ll swing by the pet shop and buy another, the kids will never know.”

It had been Ramone and now it was Chester’s turn, the won gold fish taking it in turns to it quickly, Serena only hope that the shop bought ones lasted a little longer, she didn't want to be visiting the pet store every week to pick up a new replacement.

“Can I help you with anything ma’am?” I voice says pulling her from her thoughts and she spins to face the teenager in the shirt which proclaims he works there. “Looking for anything in particular?”

“I nee a goldfish,” she says an the bot nods, encourages her to go on, “I need a fish that looks like this one.” She turns her phone so the boy can see it and he nods his understanding, starts walking along the ow of tanks, peering in to each one.

“He belong to one of your kids,” he asks as he looks and she follows him along the row,

“Our middle girl, she’s seven. My wife has come to replace the others, I didn't think it would be this difficult.” She really hadn’t, had been convinced that every goldfish looked the same until she was stood there faced with hundreds of fish and a picture of Chester who apparently has a darker stripe down his right side which seems to be uncommon. It takes twenty minutes to find the fish that is as close to perfect as they can get and she thanks the boy as he rings through her order, he shrugs, tells her she isn’t the first parent who he has had to help find a replacement for a child's pet, that goldfish are much easier than hamsters and my, much easier than the kitten he had to help replace once. She leaves feeling better, calls Bernie and tells her they definitely won't ever be getting anything bigger than a goldfish, that if the kids wants pets when they are older then they can wait until they move out, Bernie laughs, tells her she loves her and that the kettle is on ready for her getting home. She has plenty of time to get the new Chester into the tank before they pick the kids up from work together and, as she watches Charlotte come home and run immediately to the tank to tell Chester about her day, she realises, as ridiculous as her afternoon hunt had been, it's made worth it seeing the kids so happy and in love. 


	8. Get Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I really did want to keep it happy and fluffy for a while but me+exhaustion+writing never ends well and I've created an angsty mess instead. If you want something happy just skip this one honestly. 
> 
> This comes with a warning for depression, talk of suicide and Ellie death. Honestly, if you want happy just keep walking.

 

Bernie pauses outside of the consultants office and takes a deep breath. As soon as she stepped onto the ward she knew that something was going on; the door to hers and Serena's office had been closed, the blinds drawn and the usually chatty staff where going about their business with their heads down, barely uttering a word. A raised eyebrow at Fletch had earned her a shrug and a shake of the head and she sighed, wished briefly that she wasn't having to come on shift at all.

Things at home are tense, things on the ward are tense and Bernie is at a loss as to what to do. Serena is hurting, she knows that, but so is she and the kids, well, the kids are heartbroken. It's only two weeks since Ellie's funeral, she doesn't think either of them should be back at work but Serena had insisted that someone needed to be looking after the ward and had come back, Bernie had followed her, knowing that someone needed to be keeping an eye on Serena too.

A second deep breath and a squaring of her shoulders she pushes her way into the office, closes the door quickly behind her and leans against it. The only light comes from Serena's computer monitor, the woman herself staring at something on the surface of her desk.

"Get out," she says quietly, doesn't look up, and Bernie pushes herself away from the door, moves to perch on the end of Serena's desk.

"No," she offers quietly, this close she can see that her wife has been crying again and reaches out for her, tries not to take it to heart when Serena flinches away. She has the picture from Bernie's desk flat in front of her, the whole family at their vow renewal six years before, the pair of them, Cam, Charlotte, Ellie, both of their mothers, they all look so happy, they were all so happy.

"Bernie, please. Leave me alone." Serena's tone is rough and it breaks Bernie's heart, no matter how much this woman tries to push her away she'll never go far, will never stop loving her.

"I won't," she whispers, reaches for Serena's shoulder again and relaxes slightly when the touch is accepted this time, "you know I won't,"

"I wish you would," Serena whispers, looks up, and the anguish in her eyes tears at Bernie's already broken heart, "I wish you would so I could make this pain stop once and for all," Bernie's stomach twists, her heart freezes.

"Serena, what have you done?" She tries to keep her voice level but she can hear that it's ringed with panic as she reaches out and turns Serena's face back towards her, "darling?"

"I haven't. I couldn't." Serena's shoulders slump and her eyes fill with tears, and Bernie tugs her towards her, cradles her head against her neck, "I want to, so much it's painful, but I just can't Bernie, why can't I make it stop," Bernie hugs her fiercely, strokes her hair as she sobs, tries to keep her own tears in check because Serena needs her to be the strong one.

She's been aware of the return of Serena's depression, unsurprised given the circumstances, but she's been so lost in her own grief that she hasn't seen how bad it's got, wonders how many other times Serena has been close to doing something stupid, to ending her pain once and for all. It's time, past time, for both of them to see a counsellor, loosing a child isn't supposed to be easy and when you're trying to hold the rest of your family together too, it's damn near impossible. They need help before it destroys them both.

"Come on," she says after a while, once Serena's tears have stopped and she has slumped fully against her, her head pressed into her stomach, "let's get you home."

"The ward," Serena protests and Bernie's tilts her head up so she can look at her, strokes a thumb over her cheek,

"Isn't as important as you right now," she kisses the top of the brunettes head, reaches for the phone as has a brief conversation with Hansen, thanks him when he tells them to take as long as they need then pushes to her feet, pulls Serena with her. She's surprised when she is pulled into a tight embrace, it's the first real contact other than brief touches of hands they've had in weeks and she relishes it, holds Serena close to her and breathes her in.

"I don't want to go home," Serena murmurs when they break apart, though she doesn't move far, only far enough that she can look into Bernie's face.

"That's fine, where do you want to go?" She's willing, at this point, to do anything to keep Serena with her, would go home and sit in silence if that's what her wife wanted, but she's happier that she wants to do something, even if it is about hiding from her feelings.

"I think. I think I'd like to see the sea," she says, bites her lip, looks away, "I know it's a long drive, don't worry if it's too much,"

"No," Bernie offers a gentle smile, it feels foreign after so long, "if you want to see the sea then the sea you will see,"

"I bet you can't say that three times fast," Serena teases and Bernie pulls her in again, squeezes.

"Probably not, but I can make it happen. Come on."

* * *

 

Luckily the roads are quiet and it only takes them an hour and a half to hit the coast. It's cold and the sea is angry but the biting wind and the crash of the waves calms and grounds them both. Bernie parks as close as she can to the water and they huddle beside each other, wrapped in coats and scarves, Serena in her ridiculous hat, on the bonnet of the car.

"I think we need to start seeing someone," Bernie suggests after long minutes of silence, "together or apart, I don't think it matters, but we need to start talking."

"I'm sorry," Serena sighs, turns to look at Bernie and reaches for her hand, "I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and worry about me."

"I'll always worry about you but I'm not strong enough to handle this alone, to help the kids alone and Serena, I'm not strong enough to lose you," she hates that her voice sounds choked, that she can feel tears in her eyes, and looks up to the sky, tries to blink them away. "I know you're hurting darling and I know how much you want it to stop, I do too, every minute of every day, but you must know what losing you too would do to us all,"

"I'm sorry," Serena chokes out, "I'm so so sorry, I'll get help, I'll talk to someone, God I'll even go back on medication of it helps, I don't want to leave you Bernie, I really don't, but I just don't know how to cope with this."

"I know darling, I know," Bernie sighs, pulls her closer and presses their foreheads together, "but I'm here ok, you don't have to do any of this alone."


	9. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took some time out of teaching myself to crochet yesterday to go and pick the wife up from work and wrote this while I waited for her to finish. Just a little glimps at our ladies surviving a long distance relationship while Serena is studying in Boston. 
> 
> As usual, you guys are amazing and as usual, if you've got any prompts hit me up either here, tumblr or Twitter (:

"I'll take the couch," Bernie sighs, rubbing her hand over her tired eyes and dropping herself down into the cushions. She's exhausted and she just wants this day to end, to wake up tomorrow and try and salvage what is left.

"Why would you do that, there's a perfectly good bed down the hall and half of it belongs to you." Serena snaps and Bernie winces, curls her knees up to her chin and looks up at her girlfriend who is glaring at her with no sense of giving up.

"Forgive me if I don't fancy spending the night next to someone who is positively radiating anger. Go to bed Serena, we'll talk in the morning when we've both had the chance to calm down." She watches Serena hesitate, pause on her way out of the door as if she's about to say something before disappearing with slumped shoulders and a heavy sigh. Bernie waits until she hears the bedroom door shut along the hall before she moves, drags herself to the bathroom to remove her minimal makeup, strips down to her tank top and boxer briefs, before returning to the sofa. She stares at the ceiling for what seems like hours, pleased that it's a warm night and that she isn't shivering under the thin throw that is her only cover. It's been a long time since they've argued, even longer since they've gone to bed without sorting things out first, but Bernie knows that if they'd tried to talk about anything that night it would have only gotten worse, Serena was still angry, she could feel it coming off her in waves and Bernie was annoyed too and a little hurt if she was honest. She just hoped things would be better in the morning.

* * *

 

When she wakes it's with a crick in her neck and a mouth like sandpaper that reminds her she didn't brush her teeth before bed. She rolls into her back and scrubs at her face, she's still tired, wonders how much sleep she actually managed, wonders how long she lay awake before her eyes finally closed and stayed that way. It's light outside which means she's slept later than she normally would and she lies for a couple of minutes with her eyes closed, just listens, tries to work out if Serena is up yet. When she's met with silence she pushes herself up, rolls her shoulders, cracks her neck, and pads towards the kitchen where she drinks a glass of water, then a second, with the tap still running.

She still feels tense, the emotions of the night before still thrumming in her veins and she knows she needs to vent them before facing her girlfriend, knows that if she doesn't this argument could drag on and on and ruin their last few days together before Serena flies back to Boston. Rummaging through the ironing pile (who's she kidding, she's never going to iron it!) she pulls out a pair of running shorts and a tank top, rummages further down to find her sports bra, and slips into the bathroom to get changed, splashes cold water on her face and scrapes as much of her hair as she can into a pony tail. She considers leaving Serena a note, looks at the time and decides she has time to get out and back before the brunette is likely to wake, slips out of the door and onto the street as quietly as she can.

She takes her usual ten miles at a steady pace, feels the tension slide out of her as she gets lost in the rhythm of her trains hitting the pavement, focuses on keeping her breathing steady. By the time she gets back to the flat she feels 100% better, slips quietly back inside, plans to have a shower before Serena wakes up. Except when she closes the door behind her and pauses to toe off her trainers, she hears movement in her kitchen, head in that direction instead.

Leaning in the doorway she watches Serena move around the space, seemingly unaware that she has returned, in just an oversized tshirt and her underwear. It's a sight that never ceases to amaze her and she wishes she knew how it was between them, wishes she could close the space between them, wrap her arms around Serena's waist, slide her hands across her thighs, under the hen of her shirt. Instead she clears her throats lightly, doesn't want to startle the other woman, knows that to do that would invite her wrath even on the best of days, fixes a gentle smile on her face ready for Serena turning to face her, relaxed, non confrontational.

"I'm sorry," Serena crumples the minute she turns round, she looks exhausted, like she spent as much time staring at the ceiling as Bernie did, "about last night, I was ridiculous, it was ridiculous, so I'm sorry."

"It hurts to think you believe I was even interested in her," Bernie sighs, Serena has never been the jealous type, she's never felt the need to prove to the brunette that she wouldn't stray but last night had been different, it was like Serena really believed that Bernie was going somewhere. "I love you Serena, you're it for me, what I don't understand is why you suddenly doubt that."

"I don't, I..." Serena sighs and leans against the bench, drops her chin to her chest so her fringe falls over her eyes and let's out a slow breath, "she was so beautiful Bernie, why wouldn't you be interested?" Bernie thinks back to the previous night in the bar, tries to remember the woman who had been aggressively chatting her up, she was a brunette and tall, but she barely remembers anything else, doesn't for one minute think that she was remarkable in any way. Serena is almost curled in on herself, her arms wrapped over her own stomach, gripping the tshirt tightly and Bernie is across the room before she really thinks about it.

"Hey," she says quietly, tilts Serena's face up so she can look at her with gentle fingers under her chin, the brunettes eyes are wet and Bernie strokes her fingers over her cheek, "where is this coming from? I barely remember what she looked like." Serena looks up at the ceiling, blinks to try and clear her eyes, blinks again when it doesn't work, "Serena please?"

"I've put weight on," Serena murmurs, can't look Bernie in the eye, Bernie waits her out, knows there is more to it than just that, Serena is a confident woman, always has been, it's one of the things Bernie has always loved about her, has never seen her insecure about her body, "and I'm so far away, and I know I've been tired this trip, that I haven't been as interested in the physical, why wouldn't you look elsewhere?"

"Why would I?" Bernie murmurs, tugs Serena into her arms, presses a kiss against the top of her head, "we could never have sex again and I wouldn't care because I love you, because we are far more than the physical side of our relationship. I understand how exhausted you are and I understand that the anti depressants, well I understand the effects they can have on you. I'm not going anywhere Serena. I don't want you to worry about that." Bernie tilts Serena's head up to face her again, strokes her fingers through her hair, "I love you Serena." Slowly she trails her fingers down the brunettes neck, over her shoulders, down her arms, links their fingers briefly and squeezes before continuing to move. She grazes her hands from her armpits to her waist, hugs every curve with her fingers, her eyes never leaving Serena's. "you're beautiful," she mutters, trails her fingers further, hits the bottom of her tshirt and keeps on going, trails her fingers lightly over her thighs, grins when Serena's head falls back a little and she groans in the back of her throat, "that woman last night, I don't remember what she looks like because I was too busy looking for you coming back, she never stood a chance."

"I'm sorry I was so awful," Serena sighs and Bernie's leans down to press a lingering kiss to the corner of her mouth, trails her fingers further over her thighs, loops round to trail over her backside, "I'm sorry this trip hasn't been the best."

"You've been here, that's all I ever want," Bernie murmurs, presses their foreheads together, "now let's enjoy the next few days yes? Now what do you want to do today?"

"Take me to bed," Serena grins, loops her arms around Bernie's neck and presses onto her toes, kisses her slow and deep, "take me to bed." Bernie doesn't argue, hooks her arms beneath Serena's thighs and lifts her off her feet, starts to move in the direction of the bedroom. The kisses don't stop and Bernie pauses every now and again, presses her girlfriend against walls, both of their hands exploring. Bernie is intent to show Serena exactly how much she loves her, how much she wants her, regardless of her weight, her insecurities, the distance.


	10. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ellie's funeral one shot that no one asked for. I can only apologise, this isn't what I thought I was going to write when I sat down this morning...

It's raining and Serena is oddly satisfied, thinks it only right that, on the day she buries her daughter, it be grey and wet, would have felt almost insulted by the universe if the sun had been shining. She watches the rain drops slide and meet and continue to slid on the window pain, sees nothing beyond water and glass, not the garden or the house beyond or the sun trying to break out from behind the clouds. She can hear Bernie pottering around behind her, no doubt getting dressed, and knows she should be doing the same but a part of her thinks that if she just stays where she is none of this will have happened and she will be able to forget the fact that their baby is dead just like she would forget any other nightmare. She flinches when a hand lands on her shoulder, has no idea how long she's been stood there and it's not until Bernie's arm is round her waist, her forehead pressed into her shoulder, that she is able to relax even a fraction.

"The cars will be here in half an hour darling. You need to get ready." Bernie says gently and Serena sags, fights the press of tears building behind her eyes yet again, knows she can't afford to fall apart, not yet. She takes one deep breath, then another, pushes the tears far enough away that they won't fall for the moment then turns to face her wife. Bernie, her dear, sweet Bernie, looks exhausted, as hollow as she feels, and she wishes she had it in her to offer some comfort, some kind of reprieve, from how the other woman is feeling but she can't, Bernie is keeping her up but she isn't strong enough to offer her wife the same.

"Go and be with the children," she pushes out, reaches up to push Bernie's unruly fringe back out of her face, strokes a thumb over her cheek when she looks doubtful, "I'll be fine, go on, their going to need their mumma today." Bernie nods carefully, pulls Serena into a brief embrace and kisses her forehead tenderly, it takes everything Serena has not to break apart again. When she's alone she returns to the window, despite knowing that she must get ready she wants to put it off for as long as possible, knows she only needs to sip into her dress, there's really no point in make up when it will be cried off, she has time she thinks, time to pretend that this isn't really happening until she can't hide from it anymore. She tries not to think about the fact her daughter won't see her 21st birthday, won't get to enjoy the trip to New York herself and Bernie had planned to give her, the trip of a lifetime. She already finds herself forgetting the sound of Ellie's voice, her laugh, so like Bernie's it's hard to believe that they aren't related by blood, it's like with Ellie gone, the memories are already starting to fade and she isn't sure how she'll cope the day she wakes up and barely remembers her at all. As much as she barely recognised the girl in the end, after the drugs and the lies and the fights, she still loved her fiercely, hopes Ellie knew that despite how often they had fought and fallen out, despite the fact that when Ellie was wheeled into the ED, battered and bruised and unconscious, they hadn't spoken for almost a month. She hopes she knew she was loved.

* * *

 

She's just slipping her shoes on when Cam appears at the door at the door to tell her the cars have arrived. He looks so smart in his suit, his hair styled rather than left in its usual mess of curls, he's been such a rock the last few days and Serena wonders how they might have coped without him, without the soothing words, the cups of tea, she knows Charlotte would have fallen apart without her big brother by her side. She doesn't say a word as she slips past him, doesn't think she can, and down the stairs, Bernie is waiting for her at the bottom, holding out her coat to step into, Charlotte not far behind her and she has to stop and take a deep breath to tamp down the need to run and hide. Jason had decided that the funeral wasn't something he could handle, plans to say his goodbyes in his own way and she understands though part of her wishes for his straightforward manner, his stoicism in this moment.

They walk to the car, her arm firmly tucked in the crook of Bernie's elbow, flanked by their children. She casts her eyes over the coffin, the flowers, and immediately looks away, swallows down the bile that bubbles in her throat, her fingers digging painfully into Bernie's arm.

"I've got you," Bernie murmurs and Serena feels guilty because Bernie is there to catch her but who is there to catch Bernie? They don't separate when they get into the car, Serena sticking as close to Bernie as she can, knows her wife is the only person who can keep her afloat. The drive is silent, all four of them lost in their own thoughts, their own memories. When they pull up at the church Serena is vaguely surprised at how many people are waiting, the car park is full, the funeral cars struggle to pull up close enough to the building, later she will be able to remember how many lives their daughter touched and be thankful, for now she wishes they would all go away, let them say goodbye in peace.

* * *

 

Lieutenant Douglas, Fletch and Ric are all waiting in their immaculate suits to be pallbearers, all linked to their little girl in their own unique way, Raf a little further back with the kids. Cam leans over to kiss all three women before her slides out to join them, his eyes are already wet and it is almost Serena's undoing, no brother should have to carry their sisters coffin at her funeral, especially not at 28. Bernie allows them a few minutes silence in the car before suggesting gently that they get out, everyone else has made it into the church and the funeral directors are sliding the coffin out, the boys preparing to take the weight, they need to get out and follow Ellie one last time into the unknown.

Everything the priest says is a blur, she has totally zoned out, connected to the moment only by her families hands tangled together in her lap, she can feel Bernie shaking with the effort to hold it together beside her, hear Charlotte's sniffles, but she barely feels human, certainly can't reach out to any of them and offer comfort. She doesn't zone in again until Cam's hand leaves the tangle in their lap and he heads to the alter, he'd wanted to say something and Serena had known that she wouldn't be able to so she hadn't put up a fight, it seems an agreement was reached. She watches as he pulls some flash cards from his pocket (is proud on a barely recognisable level that some of her planning has rubbed off on him somewhere) look out into the crowd, take a deep breath and then look back down to his cards, in the moment he is her five year old baby boy nervous at his first nativity play and her arms ache to hold him and never let go, maybe then she could protect him from the world in a way that she hadn't been able to protect Ellie.

"My sister was a whirlwind," he begins, a sad smile on his face, "From the minute she arrived she was a joy, ours mums loved her as much as they loved me and Charlotte and she was the one who completed our family. It wasn't easy being the only boy in a house full of females and Ellie knew that and would tease me for it mercilessly, but the fact I loved her never changed. She was always my baby sister, even when she turned 18 and moved away to uni and I always felt it was my job to protect her. I wish I could have protected her from this too," he pauses, looks up at the ceiling, blinks away the press of tears and Serena almost chokes on a sob, feels Bernie shudder violently bestie her but when she twists her head to find her wife's eyes her head is bowed, her face entirely covered by a curtain of blonde hair, "She would have loved the idea that so many people came out to see her, she always enjoyed being the centre of attention, much more than any of the rest of us, and my family and I are so thankful that you've all come out to help us say our final goodbye to our little girl. It's my hope that however Ellie touched your lives it was for the better, that her memory can live on in every one of us, in the things we did with her, the things she said, she wasn't always right but she was often wise and I for one will never forget her." He takes a deep breath and looks to the coffin, presses his fingers to his lips and then to the wood, "Sleep tight little one," he murmurs and it's Serena's undoing, the dam breaks and the tears come though they surprise her in their silence, and she clings to the collection of hands in hers, buries her face in Bernie's shoulder which is shaking with her own tears.

* * *

 

The rest is a blur, the trip to the cemetery, the burial. She's almost constantly trembling, doesn't know if it's the cold, the wet, the exhaustion, the grief or a combination of all of them but, stood by the grave, she's sure that the only thing keeping her together are Bernie's arms, both of them, wrapped tightly around her. She's aware still of the kids flanking them, Douglas, Fletch, Raf and Ric at their backs, not family by blood but through shared experience, blood sweat and tears, something much stronger. Charlotte's sobs break through her stupor and she wishes she could reach her but her arms fee like stone and she can barely move. As always, it's Bernie who is there, Bernie who is holding them all together.

"Take your mum," she hears Bernie murmur and then those strong arms that have been holding her up since all of this happened are gone and she feels in the moment like she might blow apart, never to fit together again, until another set of arms replace Bernie's, Cam, and she feels the damm break again, sobs into his shirt despite being sure she ran out of tears hours, days ago. She takes solace in the fact that Bernie has gone to their daughter, that she's no doubt holding her as tightly as she has held onto Serena all day.

"You're ok mum," Cam soothes, his arms are strong, he's a solid presence and she feels grounded, "This is utterly shit but we've got you."

"Language," she chides and her voice is rough, she can't really remember the last time she used it but Cam chuckles lightly an tightens his embrace,

"I think this is one of those times when it's totally ok." He offers

"He's right," Bernie is back beside then and Serena twists to find Charlotte curled against her side, her eyes are red but she seems to have stopped crying again, "This IS utterly shit. We should get back to the house, people will be waiting."

"Charlotte and I will go in the other car and open up," Cam offers, "You two take your time." They share a family hug, all of them pressed tightly together and when they step away Cam and Bernie do a swap, "We love you guys, honestly, don't rush."

Once they are alone Bernie tucks her arm back around Serena's shoulder and they lean into each other.

"What are we going to do?" She asks quietly, her eyes fixed on the gaping hole in the ground,

"What we do best," Bernie sighs, her voice sounds brittle and it breaks Serena's heart, she wishes she had the strength to look after her wife the way she has been looking after them all, she vows in that moment that she will be better, she will be stronger so Bernie can be weaker, "we'll stick together, because if nothing else, we know that we are stronger together."


	11. Tiny Cam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, it's me, and I'm back with something that isn't hugely depressing! I finished all of my work an hour before the end of the work day so I've filled it productively! 
> 
> After that last little foray into angst Berenawillhappen hit me up on tumblr and asked me for some fluffy, happy stuff and here it is, well some of it at least, there's more fluff where this came from.
> 
> As usual, you guys rock and this fic is proof that, if you ask for something it will happen, eventually!
> 
> Next up, an update for Coming Home and more domestic/fluffy one shots :)

“Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine,” Bernie says as she bounces a wailing Cameron around the nursery, hopes her face looks as confident as she managed to make her voice sound. Serena is watching it all transpire as she clips in an earring with a furrowed brow and Bernie offers her a smile, “Honestly Serena.”

“You’re sure?” Serena doesn’t look at all convinced but then Bernie isn’t either, she’d love to tell her wife no, tell her she needs to stay but she knows Serena has been looking forward to this night out and she doesn’t want her to miss it, Cameron is her son too and it’s about time she spend some time alone with him.

“I’m sure,” Cam is just whimpering now, gumming at Bernie’s fingers between hiccoughing breaths and she moves to where Serena is standing in the doorway, leans across their son to kiss her lightly, “Look, he’s settling down already, and it would be a crime for you to waste that dress on the two of us.”

“It’s still a bit tight,” Serena sighs, slips her arms across her waist self consciously to cover the baby weight she is yet to lose, Bernie loves her, all of her soft edges, and juggles the baby so she can pull her wife close and kiss the top of her head.

“It’s perfect,” she murmurs, “you’re perfect.”

“I’m not, but thank you,” Serena mutters, stroking Cameron’s head lightly, snuggling into her wife’s embrace, “Now you’re sure you don’t need me to stay, I can call and cancel, no one will…”

“Stop.” Bernie interrupts gently, “We’ll be fine and I know you’re looking forward to this, it’s only a couple of hours and I can call you if we need anything but I’ve got this, I promise, please enjoy yourself.”

“I’ll try, but you will call me if there’s anything you need? Anything at all?” A car horn outside signals the arrival of Serena’s lift and Bernie kisses her head again before ushering her out the door,

“Come on, your lift is here, no backing out now,” She follows the brunette down the stairs, watches as she slips into her coat, accepts the light kiss and then gentle smile, smiles herself when she watches Serena kiss their son goodbye, tell him she loves him, tells him to be good and then Serena is slipping out of the door and it clicks shut behind her and then, silence. Or at least three seconds of silence before Cam starts screaming again.

Bernie tries not to panic, has soothed the boy plenty in her last two weeks at home, the only difference is that Serena isn’t there. They’ve spent every minute together since she got back meaning that although Bernie has been as hands on as possible with the baby, they are yet to be left alone and Bernie has to keep reminding herself that she can do this, she’s a mother too.

Her phone pinging on the bench draws her attention so she wanders into the kitchen, bouncing Cam as she goes, murmuring soothing words to him, kissing his head, unsurprisingly it’s a text from Serena.

If he won’t settle, try some skin to skin, it’s the only thing that would settle him in the first few weeks. I love you darling. S x

Bernie sends a brief reply, tells her she loves her too, before wandering back out of the kitchen and up the stairs, it’s not a bad idea and she’d loved the skin to skin time she had had when she first returned from tour. Slipping into their bedroom she settles Cam right in the middle of the bed, doesn’t take her eyes off him as she slips off her blouse and her bra and shrugs into Serena’s hoody. She rearranges the pillows so she’ll be able to get comfortable and then makes quick work of Cam’s little trousers and baby grow, leaves him in just his nappy. Once she’s situated on the bed, her phone next to her hip and the book from her bedside table tugged down beside her, she moves the little bundle to her chest, zips the hoody up around both of them to keep out the chill.

“Now then little man, that’ better isn’t it,” she soothes, stroking her fingers over his head, she still can’t believe that she gets to call this little miracle her own, can’t believe that one day he will call her mumma, tell her he loves her. “We’re going to have so many adventures you and me,” she continues, “I won’t always be here, sometimes I’ll have to go away and look after other little boys and girls who don’t have their mummy’s to look after them but I’ll always come home, I’ll come home for you and your mummy and we’ll explore. I’ll teach you to ride a bike, mummy might even let me teach you to climb a tree and I will always, always love you.”

* * *

 

  
Serena slips through the front door a little over two hours later, her shoes in her hand and a weary expression on her face. As much as she enjoyed seeing her work colleagues, having a little bit of time away from the baby, she is exhausted and wants nothing more than to check on her son and then slide into bed with her wife. The house is in darkness so she makes sure the door is locked, leaves her shoes on the rack by the door and pads up the stairs. The lamp is on in the master bedroom so she follows it, intends to stick her head in and let Bernie know she’s home before popping in to see Cam, the sight which greets her though stops her in the doorway and brings a smile to her lips. Quietly she slips her phone out of her bag and takes a few pictures as she pads across the room, makes sure she gets a close up because she doesn’t think there will be another image in all of her life that makes her burst with love as much as this one does. Bernie and Cam are both sleeping, Bernie had obviously followed her advice because, nestled inside her ratty work hoody is their little boy, curled up on his mumma’s chest and sleeping peacefully, Bernie is sleeping too.

Carefully she sits on the edge of the bed, strokes Cam’s head and let’s her fingers lightly trail over Bernie’s skin too, tickling her awake. Bernie blinks her eyes open and grins up at her, moves her hand from where it was resting against Cam’s back to stroke Serena’s cheek.

“Hi,” she smiles and Serena twists her head to kiss her palm, “good time?”

“Yes,” Serena agrees and it’s not a lie though she knows she would have rather been right here, “Glad to be home though.”

“Glad to have you home,” Bernie shifts slightly, her arm cradled under Cam’s bum so he doesn’t slip, until she’s sat upright, “Hadn’t planned to fall asleep,”

“It’s easy to do,” Serena chuckles, brushes Bernie’s fringe from her face, “But maybe we should get this little guy to bed so we can sleep properly?”

Once they’ve given Cam his feed and settled him in bed they curl up together under the duvet, Bernie stays in her hoody and not much else and Serena wriggles closer, slips her hand beneath the fabric to rest against the warmth of Bernie’s stomach.

“Did you two get up to anything but sleeping” she asks, rubs her face against the pillow then settles,

“We had a talk, told him all of the things I want to teach him when he’s older, then I told him her wasn’t allowed a girlfriend until he’s thirty!”

“Bernie he’s two and a half months old,” she chuckles, snuggles closer still, feels Bernie press a kiss to her head.

“He’s also half you so he’ll be flirting before he can talk!”

“Oi!” Serena pokes at her stomach and Bernie laughs, “Worked on you didn’t it?”

“Oh it did, all that McKinnie charm, I didn’t stand a chance.”

“You weren’t too bad yourself, you know, in your own awkward little way.” Serena kisses the shoulder under her cheek and sighs happily, “Who’d have thought this would be where we would end up though?”

“Me,” Bernie says matter of fact, “I knew, almost from the minute I clapped eyes on you I knew,”

“Oh darling,” Serena rolls onto her stomach, leans up on her elbows to kiss her, “Don’t ever change.”


	12. Nature vs Nurture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little something that came into my head last night while I was updating sabbatical, my wife has fallen asleep on me and I'm stuck where I'm sitting so now felt like as good a time as any to write it.

“Mumma?” Charlotte asks one day when they are walking home from school, Cam has gone off ahead with his friend, close enough that Bernie can still see him and Bernie has Ellie on her back in the sling, her little knees tucked tight against her mumma’s ribs and her tiny fingers toying with the hair at the nape of Bernie’s neck.

“Yes sweetheart?” Bernie prompts, looks down at the girl who is walking along beside her, swings her arm slightly, “What is it?” Lottie has been unusually quiet since they left school, Bernie is used to spending the walk home listening to everything the girl has done that day but she’s barely said a word and Bernie had been simply waiting her out.

“Mumma am I a freak?” Bernie stops dead at the words and crouches down, turning Charlotte to look at her, the little girl has her lip clamped between her teeth, looks on the verge of tears and Bernie reaches out to stroke her hair out of her face.

“No baby, no you’re not,” she says firmly, pulls the girl into a hug and kisses her temple, “Why do you ask that?”

“Lacey and Jessica said I’m a freak because I don’t have a daddy.” It takes all of Bernie’s considerable self control to keep the pure rage from her face, she’s used to the discrimination, the homophobia but she hates the idea of any of her kids having to deal with the same thing. She knows it’s naïve to believe that it wouldn’t happen, things have changed for the better but there are still closed minded people in the world, Bernie doesn’t want to believe that parents are still filling their children’s heads with this rubbish. She pulls the girl to her even tighter, slowly pushes to her feet and ignores the twinge in her back, continues to follow Cameron while she tries to process a response that will make sense to her little girl. She’s not sure if Serena ever had to have the same conversation with Cam, would be surprised if she hadn’t had to at least explain why his family was different to the other kids, but she doesn’t even know where to start.

“Do you want a daddy?” She begins with, thinks it’s as good a place as any and she chuckles lightly when Charlotte pulls her face back to look Bernie in the face, her expression aghast,

“No,” she exclaims, “I’ve got you and mummy and Cam Cam and Ellie, there’s no room for a daddy. But Lacey said its weird, that you and mummy are weird too.”

“Your mummy and I love each other very much, just the same as we love you and Cam and Ellie, we’ve loved each other for a very, very long time and we got married because we wanted to show the world how much we loved each other.”

“I wasn’t there when you got married?”

“No darling, you weren’t born then, Cam wasn’t even born then, it was a long time ago but that doesn’t mean we love each other any less.”

“You love mummy like Lacey’s mummy loves her daddy?”

“Yeah,” Bernie agrees, readjusts her grip on Charlotte slightly to take some pressure off her right side, “And some families have a mummy and a daddy, some have two daddies, some, like ours, have a mummy and a mumma and some even just have a daddy or a mummy. All families are different, just like you and Cam have different coloured hair, all families look different too. Does that make sense?” Bernie is pleased that the house is in sight, doesn’t think she could carry both of her daughters much further.  
“I think so,” Charlotte nods though her face is still unsure, “But why were Lacey and Jessica mean about me if everyone is different?”

“Because some people don’t understand or are scared of the difference?”

“Like I’m scared of the dark?”

“Just like that,” Bernie agrees, “Some people think that everyone should be the same, that only a man and a woman should be able to get married and have a family.”

“But that’s silly, I don’t want a daddy, I don’t need one because I got you and mummy and you love me this much.” Charlotte flings out her arms and Bernie almost drops her with the force of it.

“I’ll let you into a little secret,” Bernie grins, leans in so she can whisper in the girls ear, “we love you even more than that.”

 

* * *

 

“Mummy?” Serena looks up from her book to find Charlotte standing in the doorway to the bedroom scrubbing at her eyes, beckons her over to her side without a word, at twelve it’s a long time since she’s called her mummy and the very fact she’s fallen back on it means that something is on her mind. Closing the book around her bookmark she drops it onto the bedside table and turns her full attention to her middle child who climbs up onto the bed and curls up in Bernie’s space.

“What’s going on Charlie girl?” She asks lightly, brushes the unruly hair out of her face, “You should be asleep.”

“We started reproduction at school today.” Charlotte sighs, “and I realised, mumma can’t really be my mumma can she?” Serena’s heart breaks at the look on her girls face and pulls her close, is glad that it’s her dealing with this, knows how Charlotte’s words would have broken Bernie’s heart even though the were asked out of confusion.

“Do you remember what mumma told you years ago, when Lacey and Jessica called you a freak because you didn’t have a daddy?” She asks gently, feels her daughter nod against her shoulder, “And she said that all families are different,”

“Yeah, but she can’t be my mumma because you need a sperm to fertilise an egg and only men have those and I came from your egg didn’t I?”

“You did, but, that’s just biology and it takes more than biology to make a family, it’s important but it’s not as important as the other things.”

“What do you mean?” Charlotte asks, peering up at her from under her fringe and, not for the first time, Serena wonders at how alike her daughter and Bernie are despite their lack of biological link.

“I mean yes, you came from my egg and some sperm we got from a donor and that’s how you were made, you don’t share biology with mumma but from the minute she knew that you existed she has loved you and protected you fiercely and that’s what is important. She doesn’t care that your biology isn’t hers, she loves you like a daughter because you are her daughter and you’re so like her Charlie, you might not realise it yet but you and your mumma have so much in common regardless of the science stuff.”

“I never wanted a dad, even when the other kids thought I was wired I didn’t want to change you and mumma, I still don’t but I got worried today that maybe one day mumma wouldn’t want me anymore because I’m not really hers.”

“Never going to happen,” they both look to the doorway and find Bernie standing their, a sad smile on her face, “You are mine, all of you are mine in all the ways that matter.” Serena watches her cross the room and sit beside their daughter and Charlotte is in her arms faster than she can blink, “I love you baby girl, I’ve loved you for as long as I’ve known about you, though your mum kept you a secret for a little while.”

“What do you mean?” Charlotte looks between them puzzled and Serena laughs,

“You were a surprise,” she shrugs, “for your mumma at least. She didn’t know I was trying to get pregnant again until she came home from tour and I was already four months pregnant.”

“One of the best surprises I ever got,” Bernie grins and kisses her daughters forehead, “Never doubt how much I love you darling and if you do, or you’re worried, come and speak a to me, I’ll only ever be honest with you, I can promise you that.”

“I love you mumma,” she murmurs into Bernie’s shoulder and Serena reaches out to stoke her back lightly, “I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be sorry for asking questions,” Serena soothes and she locks eyes with Bernie over the girls head, her wife looks a little sad and she understands, Bernie has been worried for as long as she can remember about how the kids will feel about her once they realise that biologically at least she isn’t their mother, she just hopes this conversation with Charlotte has helped to ease that a little bit. They sit for a while longer until Charlotte can no longer hide her yawn and Bernie’s chivvies her off to bed after hugs and kisses all round, flops back onto the bed with a sigh once their daughter is out of site.

“Ok?” She asks gently, links her fingers with Bernie’s and squeezes lightly,

“Fine,” she nods, turns her head so they are facing each other and smiles, “Maybe with Ellie that conversation will be easier?” It probably won’t be but Serena doesn’t want to dash Bernie’s hope, knows that deep down her wife knows that that conversation wouldn’t get easier no matter how many times they had it although they wouldn’t be ambushed by Ellie the way they had been by Charlotte, she’d make sure that they spoke to their youngest before a biology lesson blew her whole world apart and made her reevaluate how her family fit together. 


	13. Tiny Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't planned to write more today but this happened and I am rubbish at sitting on fic that's finished so you get it today. This is kind of a continuation of Tiny Cam or a parallel or something, it's inspired by the same prompt anyway.

The first time Bernie meets Charlotte she's three days old, swaddled in blankets in the crib in hers and Serena's room. She can't believe she's a mother again, can't believe they have a little girl and although she knows she can do all of the basic things like change a nappy and sterilise a bottle, she's terrified that she has very little to give to a little girl.

Cam is already fascinated by the fact she's in the army, says he wants to be a soldier like his mumma one day, and although she hopes that's not the case, hopes that if he inherits anything from her it will be her love of medicine, but at least they have a common point of interest. He's only four and he's already practising press ups while she is away so he can impress her with how many he can do when she comes home, he's a constant companion on her runs while she's back, either running by her side or clinging to her back like a limpid, pretending he's a heavy pack she's being made to carry across the desert.

Of course there's nothing to say that this little girl won't grow up to be just as interested in her mumma being in the army as her big brother is, nothing to say that, had Charlotte been a boy, he would have had any interest in it either but all her life she's found it easier to interact with boys, with men and she's terrified that she just won't know how to interact with her little girl.

"Hello my angel," she murmurs, unwraps the blankets and lifts her into her arms, cradles her close and kisses her head. She snuffles a bit, almost a huff at being pulled out of her comfortable cocoon, before she settles again in Bernie's arms. "You being a good big brother?" She asks, turning to her son who has curled up beside Serena on their bed.

"Yuhuh," Cam says, puffs out his chest and looks proud, "I helped mummy change nappy this morning. It was stinky."

"Yeah they are," she chuckles, sits on the other side of her wife and grins at her, "but you're a very good boy for helping mummy while I wasn't here."

"You home now though?"

"Just for a little while darling, but then it really won't be long till I'm home again."

"You promise?" He pleads and Bernie sighs, the fear she holds of leaving her kids without their mother exponentially grown to encompass her new daughter. Leaving has always been hard, got harder the first time she held Cam in her arms and she knows this time it's going to be harder again, doesn't know how much longer she'll be able to keep doing it knowing the risks she is taking when she's so far from her family.

"I promise," she says eventually and Serena squeezes her thigh, gives her a knowing look. "Now, how about you go and ask grandma to help you fix a snack and I'll be down in a minute and we can watch a film together?" Cam grins and bounds off the bed heading for the door, Bernie knows that Adrienne was hanging around outside waiting to step in so Serena and Bernie could have a few precious moments alone with the baby, knows there's someone to see him safely down the stairs.

"Hey you," Serena says quietly and Bernie turns to her, leans to nuzzle their noses together,

"How are you?" She asks quietly, Serena looks exhausted,

"Tired," Serena shrugs, "but I'm ok. I'm glad to have you home darling."

"I'm glad to be home," she agrees, shifts so they are sitting side by side, "she's so beautiful, have you thought of any names?"

"Well I did have one but I wanted to run it by you first, how do you feel about Charlotte, after your grandmother?"

"Really?" Bernie feels a lump in her throats and tries to blame it on the exhaustion of two days worth of travel and the joy of meeting her daughter for the first time catching up on her. She had loved her Grandmother Charlotte, knows she would have loved Serena too despite the fact she was a woman, she was a bit of a maverick, very strong willed and of her own mind much to her grandfathers chagrin at times but she always told Bernie that happiness was the most important thing, that as long as she was happy everything else could be worked out. Bernie can't think of a better person to name their daughter after, can only hope she inherits some of her grandmothers independence and strong will.

"I know how much she meant to you and I know I never met her but from what I've heard about her, there's no better role model for our girl. You'll have to make sure she hears all about her great grandmother."

"Oh I will," Bernie twists and seals it with a kiss, "welcome to the worlds Charlotte Wolfe, your mumma already loves you very much."

* * *

  
Serena pads into the living room and finds Bernie lying on the floor beside Charlotte talking to her quietly. She pauses in the doorway with a smile fixed firmly on her face and listens.

"I love you baby girl," Bernie murmurs, "and sometimes I'll have to go away but I'll always come back, always and I'll do my best to keep you safe, to make sure you grow up happy."

"Have you told her she's not allowed a boyfriend until she's thirty yet?" Serena chuckles and Bernie turns to her with a smile.

"Or girlfriend," Bernie agrees, "is Cam down for his nap?"

"Yeah, he was adamant he didn't need to sleep but he's flat out."

"Wonder where he gets his stubbornness from," she chuckles, pushes herself up so she's sitting beside the baby pillow and tugs Serena down beside her,

"I don't know what you're talking about," Serena pouts, "I'm lovely."

"You are," Bernie's agrees, leans to kiss her, "lovely but stubborn." Charlotte breaks them apart with a cry, interrupting her mothers something she will get very good at in the course of her life, and Serena watches Bernie pick her up and cradle her close, "I think she's hungry."

"And that's something she gets from you," Serena laughs as she unhooks her nursing bra and accepts their baby.

"Not possible," Bernie sighs and Serena frowns, takes Bernie's hand in her free one,

"Totally possible. You are as much her mumma as I am, everything she does, what she grows up to be will be shaped by you as much as it is by me. Blood has nothing to do with it she'll grow up knowing exactly how much her mumma loves her, how hard she's fighting every day to get home to her just like Cam does and when they are old enough we'll explain to them how we came to have them and that will be ok too."

"You promise?" Bernie whispers and the uncertainty breaks Serena's heart, "because I love them so so much."

"And so long as they always know that we'll all be fine."


	14. Camping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've said twice this week that an update was my last before camp but this time I really mean it! This is a little bit happy, a little bit bittersweet, I hate the ending but I couldn't just leave it dangling.

Serena isn’t sure why she agrees to it, isn’t sure why Bernie wants to spend any more time in a tent after the tour she has just had but Bernie’s face had lit up so much when she’d been talking about the trip she wanted to take that she hadn’t been able to say no. Which is why she finds herself shivering in her waterproof jacket, rain dripping off her nose, toes freezing in her Wellington boots looking out over an angry lake she is sure would be beautiful if only the wind dropped and the sun came out.

“Feel free to give me a hand!” Bernie snaps from where she is battling the tent and the elements, her hood has fallen down and her hair is soaked, whipping around in the wind and sticking over her face and she looks soaked to the bone despite the waterproof jacket and trousers, “Or alternatively just stand there and gawp at me.” Serena takes a deep breath to stop herself snapping back and shakes off the annoyance, goes to her wife’s side. Bernie still ends up doing the lions share of the work, Serena has no idea what she is doing really and Bernie has never been particularly good at giving instruction, is very much of the opinion that it’s quicker to do it herself than to try and explain to someone else how it’s done. By the time the tent is up Serena is shivering uncontrollably and Bernie doesn’t appear to be doing much better but she shoves Serena into their home for the next few nights and heads back to the car for their bags and, Serena hopes, the kettle. It takes her two trips carrying much more than is probably comfortable but she brushes off Serena’s offer of help, encourages her to get out of her wet coat and boots instead and then, when she returns, pushes Serena into the ‘bedroom’ to dry off and change.

When she emerges, hair as dry as she can get it and cozy in her thickest flannel pjs and fuzzy socks topped off with Bernie’s training hoody zipped up to her chin, Bernie is crouched over her the stove waiting for the kettle to boil. Serena can see that she is shivering despite shrugging off her wet waterproofs and Serena slips her wellies back on and pads across the space, brushes her fingers as best she can through the tangles of blonde hair. Bernie looks up and her teeth are chattering, her lips are tinged blue,

“Go and get changed,” she suggested, runs icy fingers over an equally icy cheek, “I’ll make the tea, go on.” It says a lot about how cold Bernie is that she doesn’t argue, pushes herself up to her feet and heads in the direction Serena has just come, she looks defeated and miserable and it makes Serena determined to make this trip work out despite the unseasonable weather conditions. Instead of watching the kettle boil she starts to dig through their things, unfolds the two chairs and sets them up in the space and then the small table, finds the two tin mugs Bernie had bought specially and sat and wrapped the handles in string, then the tea and coffee. By the time Bernie is done getting changed Serena is stringing up the fairy lights and the kettle is just starting to whistle.

“I’m sorry for this,” Bernie sighs as she hands her her drink, “I totally understand if you just want to pack up and go home.”

“Don’t be daft,” Serena chides, kisses Bernie before taking the second chair, “We’re here now and who knows, the rain might stop soon.”

* * *

  
The rain doesn’t stop soon, in fact, for the following 24 hours it continues to pour down and Serena can’t help but be grumpy about it, can’t help but think that if they had stayed in a hotel, a b&b even, she would have been able to enjoy the views, the fresh air but she wouldn’t have had to put her waterproofs and wellies on when she woke up desperate for the loo in the middle of the night. The rain keeps her awake all that night, hammering on the tent roof, so by morning she’s sulking, over tired and under caffeinated, though she’s not convinced there is enough caffeine in the world to make her feel better. Bernie tries to keep cheerful, obviously really wants this to be a positive experience but Serena thinks that unless she has a direct line to the weather God and can stop the rain quickly, that’s unlikely to happen, it’s a shame really because, no mater how hard she resisted, she did want to enjoy herself if only for her partner.

Serena is so exhausted by the second night that she’s asleep before its fully dark, the rain has eased and she finds the gentle pitter patter much more relaxing that the hammering of earlier and she allows it to lull her to sleep while Bernie reads beside her and strokes her hair occasionally. When she wakes it is with a start and seconds later she knows why as the tent is lit up by lighting, the rain seeming to get heavier the moment it is passed. When she roles over she isn’t surprised to see that Bernie isn’t beside her, knows where she will be and pushes herself up with a small smile, this is something they can do that they can both enjoy. Zipping up her hoody she ducks through the door to the middle part of the ten, want Bernie keeps calling the living room while Serena rolls her eyes, and finds the blonde exactly where she expected. Bernie has put the awning up and pulled her chair as close to outside as he can get without getting wet so she can watch the storm over the water. Pleased to find the kettle still hot Serena pours herself a hot chocolate and drags her chair to join the blonde, wraps herself in a blanket and rests her head on the other woman’s shoulder, hands cradling her mug. She’s always loved a storm, was pleased when Bernie revealed she loved it too (is something she will miss in the coming years when the sound of thunder begins to trigger Bernie’s PTSD so that storms are spent cuddled up somewhere searching for a distraction rather than out in the elements) and she thinks that this is the best part of the holiday so far, no lights as far as the eye can see, nothing but the moon and the lighting illuminating the lake and the surrounding mountains.

“I’m sorry all its done is rain,” Bernie murmurs, twists to press a kiss to the crown of her head,

“I’m sorry I’ve been like a bear with a sore head,” Serena chuckles in return, “I spied a flyer for a whiskey tasting place yesterday, how about if the rain is still coming down I drive us out there?”

“You hate whiskey,” Bernie murmurs and Serena sees her curious grin lit up by a flash of lighting, “What’s your game McKinnie?”

“Can’t a woman treat her partner,” Serena shrugged with a smirk, “Especially one that will benefit her too, I know what you’re like on a skin full of whiskey, remember.”

* * *

  
Come the following morning the rain has stopped altogether and when Serena steps out of the tent to stretch the sky is blue, the sun shining. They enjoy breakfast outside for the first time all trip, nothing but the odd bird call and the lapping of the lake interrupting the peace.

“It’s blissfuly quiet out here,” she murmurs as she sips her coffee, “I thought I’d hate it but it’s actually rather wonderful.”

“I think if we’d come at the weekend it would be a little different, the site would be busier, more families it’s children and bigger groups, you’d be amazed how much sound travels out here.”

They agree that although it is dry, the route Bernie had planned for them to walk would likely be waterlogged in places and decide to try it the following day if the weather holds and Serena insists on driving Bernie out to the whiskey tasting experience on the proviso that in return, Serena is wined and dined to within an inch of her life afterwards and, that they have some fun when they get back to their sleeping bag later.

The rest of the holiday is bliss, Serena fully relaxes into the outdoor lifestyle, looks forward to waking up and having her breakfast outdoors and with a view to die for, even enjoys the two hikes that Bernie takes her on despite knowing that, for the blonde, they are a walk in the park and that she’s kept them easy for Serena’s sake. When they get home she feels hemmed in, stifled by the four walls and they end up spending a large part of the night in their tiny back yard, two fold out chairs pushed side by side as they drink wine and look at the stars, or what they can see of them. Unexpectedly Serena decides that camping trips are something she wants them to do as often as life, and the weather allow.

* * *

  
They don’t actually make it camping again until Cam is three and Serena is pregnant with Charlotte, Bernie suggests they cancel the trip, had booked everything before Serena had landed her surprise but Serena insists they go anyway, thinks it might be good for them to spend some quality time with their son before the arrival of his sibling, wants to make sure he knows he isn’t being replaced by a baby, that his mothers don’t love him any less because they have another child.

To Cam it’s all an adventure and he loves it, Serena is pretty sure that he would happily stay in the strain green tinged world of the tent for the whole weekend if he could but she’s glad that the weather is better from the start this time round, not a drop of rain for the whole trip, and they can actually get out and explore. They are woken on the first morning by a giggling Cam trying to slither his way between his parents and into their sleeping bag having clearly gotten bored of lying in his own. Bernie scoops him up, blows raspberries against his neck and stomach until he squeals and Serena can only watch and smile. With the addition of a three year old and a pregnant wife the walks Bernie plans are even more gentle but no less beautiful, taking in a circuit of the lake and a boat ride back which Cam is thrilled about but leaves Serena a little travel sick, a side effect of her second pregnancy. There’s country pub dinners and local dairy ice cream and sun, so much sun.

Again Serena doesn’t want to leave and, as soon as they have Cam settled in his bed the night of their return, Bernie pulls her out onto the patio, this time it’s comfortable garden chairs and a bottle of sparkling apple juice shared between them while they talk quietly and Bernie peppers her wife’s shoulder and neck with tiny kisses while her hands move endlessly over her rounded stomach.

* * *

  
Ellie is four before they get the chance again, between Bernie’s injuries, recovery and then finding a new job that fit into the family and Serena being moved to head up AAU its been a hectic few years and they’ve made time for Disney World but not much else And they haven’t managed camping anywhere other than the living room floor. Bernie proposes the trip one night when they’ve both had awful days and Serena has lost one too many patients for her sanity to hold up, they are both due a holiday anyway and the kids holidays are coming up, as soon as Bernie suggests it it’s the only thing Serena can think about. They are both disappointed to find that their old campsite, one which Serena could have happily camped at for the rest of their lives, has been converted into luxury glamping lodges with no space for actual camping but Bernie finds them somewhere just as nice a couple of lakes over and nabs them a similar spot down near the water.

They’ve had to get a bigger tent and because Bernie’s back isn’t what it used to be, an air mattress for the two of them. Cam and Charlotte are pleased as pie at the idea of having their own section of the tent and come the second night Ellie is insistent that she stay with them too. It rains a lot again and on the second night, a storm wakes her and she quickly finds herself buried under her whole family. She knows that having the kids to focus on helps Bernie keep herself grounded but, catching her wife’s eyes over the top of Charlotte’s head, she knows that this isn’t one of those times. Cam has dropped back off to sleep on her far side so Serena is able to juggle Ellie until she is lying on her stomach and shuffle further towards her wife who has Charlotte lying across her.

“You’re ok,” she whispers, presses her forehead to the blondes so they are eye to eye, all the while stroking her fingers over Ellie’s back to soothe her, “We’re in the woods, by the lake, we’re all safe, it’s going to be dry tomorrow and we’re going to take our kids up the mountain, show them the view.”

“We are,” Bernie breathes and Serena can see her trying to reign it in, fight the memories, can see the tension in her face and reaches up with her spare hand to stroke the blondes face, over her forehead, her cheek bone, her bottom lip.

“And we’re going to make this an annual holiday, whether the kids like it or not.”

* * *

 

It becomes the annual Wolfe holiday and Ellie is the only one who ever misses a year, misses the three before her death and then there is nothing for three years after that, regardless of their youngest’s apathy towards the trip the thought of doing it without her is too much for the both of them to comprehend. It’s Charlotte and Cam who reinstate the tradition the week of what would have been Ellie’s 25th birthday. They know how much Ellie loved the trips despite her teenage rebellion and they think it’s time, crave the making of more memories, happy ones.

There are three tents now, the kids too big and with their own partners to share with their parents, but they get the same spot as always, pitch the tents in a semi circle facing out to the lake and Cam pulls a disposable fire pit out of the bot of his car that he sets up in the middle. They sit around on the first night, the fire keeping them warm and share wine and stories and Serena and Bernie take great pleasure in telling all of the embarrassing stories they can think of about their children. The next day they hike the mountain they always did and Cam produces a picture of Ellie from his bag when they reach the summit and Charlotte a bunch of wild flowers she has been collecting along the way and through her tears Serena lays them at top the cairn, kisses her fingers and presses that kiss to the photograph.

“Do you remember the first time we brought her up here?” Bernie says quietly behind her, loops her arm around her waist and they stare out at the view together, “She thought she was so high she’d be able to touch an aeroplane.”

“And now she’s flying with them,” Serena whispers, leans back against her wife and looks out to the view, a view that their daughter loved from being fours years old.

It becomes tradition again after that, them, the kids, their grandkids, they visit Ellie until neither of them can make the climb anymore and then the kids continue to do it for them and on and on it goes, a family tradition started on a whim that quickly turned into the thing that kept their family together through everything.

 

 


	15. Holby Air Show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little something until I get the time to type the next part of Sabbatical up (hopefully this weekend) the new flat is getting there slowly and we've thrown a new puppy into the mix so there's a lot going on but I really want to get back into the habit of writing every day. 
> 
> This one, as far as I'm concerned, is just happy so if I make you cry that on you not me! 
> 
> I've missed this little space I've carved out on the internet and I'm ready to jump back in with all of you.

 

Cam has been excited about the air show since he saw a poster in the corner shop and, with the help of Bernie, read all the information out loud, sounding out the big words and asking his mumma to explain what the ones he didn't know meant. He asks immediately if they can go and Serena, who can only see Cam's face from her place at the till, knows that Bernie won't be able to deny his request despite the effect such an excursion might have on her.

Later that night when the kids are asleep and they are sat at opposite ends of the sofa, glasses of wine in hand and both pouring over paperwork, Serena brings it up, doesn't look up from her work as she speaks.

"Are you sure the air show is a good idea?" It's a gentle question and she sees Bernie turn to look at her from the corner of her eye, turns to her with a small smile, "I mean, the noise, the crowds, I know it's something you could struggle with."

"I don't want to let this beat me Serena, don't want to let it stop me doing things with the kids, things they really want to do."

"I could take him?" Serena suggests, knows that he offer won't be accepted but makes it anyway, "you can stay home with the girls, the noise will definitely be too much for them."

"No," Bernie shakes her head in that no nonsense way she has and Serena isn't surprised, "we'll get one of our mothers to look after the girls for the afternoon and we'll take him together. I'll be fine."

* * *

 

Famous. Last. Words.

She watches her wife more than she watches their son, Cam is excited, practically vibrating as they walk around the stalls before the practical part of the day starts. He begs and begs to queue to sit in the Spitfire and Bernie grimaces as the young lad from the RAF helps the seven year old in and lowers a helmet onto his head.

"Over my dead body," she mutters sadly and Serena can only squeeze her hand and twist to kiss her shoulder, knows that for Bernie, the thought of any of their kids joining the army or the RAF or event The Navy is a worse hell than any she saw serving on the front lines. It surprised her initially, Bernie comes from an army family after all, followed her own father up to Major before her discharge, who followed his father before him and on and on back in time, Serena had felt almost sure that she would want, or at least support, their first borns mission to the army.

_"No one should have to see the things I've seen," she had whispered the night she met Cam as they lay in bed, the cot pulled as close to the bed as she could get it, her hand resting on Cam's chest as he breathed gently, "not my little boy, not anyone's little boy. I went into the army because my father made me believe it was the only place I'd find belonging but I know that's not true now and I don't want that for our son."_

* * *

 

They settle on the grass with a picnic along with thousands of others and just wait, she watches Bernie and Cam, heads pressed close together, talk about every plane in the brochure, the way Cam's eyes light up when Bernie admits that she has seen one up close or has even been transported in one. It's not until the first plane goes up that Bernie tenses, it's only a bi-wing stunt plane, quiet and calm, but Serena knows her wife well enough to know that as each plane comes out she's crossing them off the list in her head, getting closer to the noisy jets, fighter planes and finally The Red Arrows.

Digging around her bag she pulls out a pair of foam ear plugs, leans across Cam who is laid in his stomach, his eyes flicking between the sky and the information in front of him, kisses Bernie's cheek and pushes the little foam pellets into her hand.

"Thank you," Bernie smiles, accepts the offer and pushes them into her ears. Serena settles back against the tree they managed to snag and pats her lap encourages Bernie to lay her head down, starts to rhythmically stroke her fingers through her hair when she does. Cam ends up lying beside his mumma, eyes facing up to the sky, pointing things out to them both. He's particularly impressed by the rescue helicopter demonstration, sits up and tries to follow every inch of the action with his eyes, if Bernie hadn't flinched at the noise it would have been a perfect moment.

* * *

 

Bernie has been tense since she lay her head in Serena's lap but with the first roar of the fighter jet she tenses even further, her fingers tending harshly against Serena's jeans. All she can do is run her fingers through Bernie's hair, massage her neck and hope that it doesn't get much worse. Cam's upset is a surprise, comes quickly after the first jet and her turns to them clutching his ears with tears in his eyes. Bernie has sat up before Serena can react, accepts Cam into her arms and pulls the ear plugs from her own ears and pushes them into their sons ears. Cam burrows into his mumma and Serena can hear the soothing words being whispered into the top of his head, her wife is still tense but her anxiety is eclipsed by the need to make sure Cam is ok.

* * *

 

They stay till the end, once the noise is blocked out and he's had cuddles from his mumma, Cam is excited all over again and by the time the Red Arrows finish their display he is bouncing where he sits on Bernie's crossed legs.

He chatters all the way to McDonalds, a special treat in his day, his request, only agreed when he promises on extra vegetables the next day, barely stops to eat his happy meal. When they get home he has a whole new audience in his Grandma Marsha and he repeats everything, move by move, swoops around the room like a jet and has Ellie trying to follow him as best she can.

"Ok?" Serena asks, sliding her chin over Bernie's shoulder when she joins her in the doorway watching it all unfold.

"Yeah," Bernie nods, twists to kiss Serena's temple, "though I think maybe you were right."

"What was that, I didn't quite hear you," she smirks and digs Bernie in the ribs, "did you just admit that I was right about something?" Bernie rolls her eyes and Serena kisses her until she turns serious,

"Honestly, if Cam hadn't needed me I don't know what might have happened, he barely pulled me back as it was."

"But he did," Serena soothes, brushes her fringe from her face, "and we know for next time, maybe it can becomes a grandparents day out and we can get the blow by blow when he gets home?"


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bialevin on tumblr asked for - how they deal with each one of the kids first telling them that they are dating someone so here it is, I hope it lives up to your expectations even just a little bit.
> 
> Not going to lie, I'm struggling with writers block a little bit this week but I can see an end to the torture so hopefully things will pick up again soon!
> 
> As always, thanks for all of the support you guys, it means the world x

Cam is two weeks off is eight birthday when he comes home from school and proclaims that he’s got a girlfriend, she’s called Rebecca and they held hands for the whole of afternoon play time.

“Oh really?” Serena chuckles, scoops him up despite his size and kisses hi on the cheek, catches sight of her wife over their sons shoulder and chuckles even harder at her mortified face. When he kicks to get down then scampers off to the garden she wanders towards where Bernie is stood leant against the kitchen bench and slips her arms round her waist, her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “Ok?” She asks, ghosts the question over her wife’s cheek and then kisses it gently.

“He’s eight!” Bernie squeaks, “How are you so calm about this?”

“Oh come on darling, like you say, he’s eight, it’s a school yard relationship, they’ll hold hands for a few days and then they’ll no doubt forget about each other. Surely you had a ‘boyfriend’ in school?”

“Of course I didn’t, don’t tell me you did?” If her wife didn’t look so honestly upset the whole conversation would be hilarious, her face must give her away because Bernie sighs, rubs her hand across her eyes, “What was his name?”

“Well there was Billy in year three, he bought me my first Valentine’s Day present, then Matthew Johnson in year four and then…”

“Ok, I get it, no need to continue,” Bernie chuckles, “I always was the late developer.”

“Wouldn’t change you for the world,” Serena grins, strokes her hair away from her face and kisses her lightly, “But I promise it will al blow over very quickly, you don’t have to worry about having the talk with him just yet.”

“And what on earth makes you think that it will be me having the talk?” Bernie asks, eyes wide and Serena smiles at her indulgently,

“I thought it might be something you would like to do, was I wrong…”

  
It doesn’t blow over as quickly as Serena promised and a month later Cam comes out of school in a terrible mood, Serena is on a late so Bernie is on the school run and she watches her son pout all the way home and then all the way through his homework (which, for the first time in known memory, he doesn’t complain about doing), he doesn’t even perk up when Bernie suggests that they watch a film after tea. It’s not until she’s putting him to bed that night that she gets anything from him, she’s just tucking him in when he turns to her with sad eyes and sighs,

“Mumma, do you think I look funny?” Heartbroken by the look on her sons face, Bernie sits down on the edge of the bed and pushes his hair away from his face.

“No darling, I think you’re a very handsome little boy, what’s brought this on?”

“Rebecca said she didn’t want to be my girlfriend anymore and today at break she was holding hands with Thomas, Kurt said that it was because he had better hair and a better face than me.” Bernie doesn’t know who she wants to give a piece of her mind more, Rebecca or bloody Kurt who has been the cause of more upset than he’s worth and has gotten her son into trouble on more than one occasion.

“Well everyone likes something different,” she says gently, “But that doesn’t mean you look funny, it just means that you don’t have the thing that Rebecca likes,” or she’s a little tart, Bernie thinks with a frown, how dare this girl upset her little boy so, “For example, I think your mummy is very beautiful, but there are people in the world who wouldn’t agree with me.”

“They’re silly,” Cam shrugs, “Mummy is the most beautiful!”

“Yes she is,” Bernie chuckles, “But it doesn’t matter what other people think as long as we make sure that she knows we think she’s beautiful.”

“I’ll tell her when she gets home,” he says seriously, “You’re very beautiful too mumma.”

“Thanks you darling,” Bernie leans down and kisses his forehead, “And you my darling boy, are gorgeous, even when your hair sticks up like this.”

“You did that mumma,” Cam giggles, tries to flatten his fringe back down, Bernie is just pleased to see that he’s smiling, she’s not sure she’ll ever get the hang of all of the little things you have to deal with as a parent, thinks, even when the kids are adults, there will be things that take her by surprise.

* * *

  
It’s no surprise to either of them that Ellie has boys running around after her from about the minute she can walk but it’s not until she’s fourteen that she gets herself a boyfriend, either that or Matty is the first boy important enough to tell her mothers about. She’s more adept at withholding information from her mothers than her siblings so it wouldn’t be a surprise if there had been other boys before that who she just hadn’t mentioned. Bernie finds that teenage dating is a much bigger worry than Cam and Rebecca at the age of eight, they’re actually dating and understand what it means for starters.

Bernie nearly dies the day she is picking the Ellie and Charlotte up from school and she catches sight of her youngest daughter kissing a spotty teenage boy who she can only assume is Matty because Ellie refuses to introduce them or even show them a picture.

“Oh god,” she groans and this time it’s Charlotte who laughs at her, Serena yet again safely at work, turns to her daughter with a raised eyebrow, “Something funny?”

“The look on your face,” Charlotte laughs and Bernie does her best not to pout, “What did you think, they just held hands and looked at each other.”

“I had hoped,” Bernie mutters, forces a smile onto her face as Ellie skips to the car and slides into the back seat, a huge smile on her face.

This time ‘the talk’ seems necessary and Bernie sits beside Serena across the kitchen table from their daughter and tries not to blush and for her part, Ellie sits across from them and rolls her eyes, tries o hide the fact she is clearly mortified.

  
The break up is much messier than with Cam and Rebecca too and takes a lot more to fix than a little chat at bed time. Ellie comes out of school and it’s obvious she has been crying though she snaps and tells them to leave her alone when they ask if she’s ok, stomps up the stairs when they get home and slams her bedroom door behind her. She refuses to come out for tea and it’s Serena who is despatched to try and talk to her, she is after all, out of the two of them, the most experienced when it comes to break ups. When Bernie goes up to bed hours later she sticks her head around Ellie’s now open door, finds her and her wife curled up together sleeping soundly surrounded by scrunched up tissues and chocolate wrappers, the menu for The Breakfast Club playing on a loop. Slipping round the door she turns off the TV, carefully kisses each of them on the forehead and pulls the duvet up over both of them, makes sure they are both tucked in and slips out of the room, is willing to sleep alone if one of the kids needs their mummy to look after them.

* * *

  
Charlotte takes so long to even suggest that she’s dating someone that Bernie begins to wonder if their middle child just isn’t interested in being in a relationship. When she does finally let them know that she’s seeing someone it’s in the roundabout way they’ve become used to when it comes to Charlotte, never a case of purposefully withholding information more a case of not believing it is important enough to warrant a conversation, in this way she is so like Bernie was at the same age that it’s hard to believe that they aren’t related by blood. It’s a few days before her eighteenth birthday and they are booking a table for a family meal when the blonde asks if she can invite someone else to the occasion and, when Serena raises an eyebrow though agrees, their daughter admits that it’s someone special.

Neither of them are all that surprised when they are introduced to Beth, a leggy brunette with an easy smile who presents their little girl with a bottle of whiskey (a girl after her mumma’s heart) and a simple silver bracelet with a tiny turquoise heart hanging from it. Beth is lovely, comfortable to join in with their conversation while always checking in with Charlotte to make sure she’s ok, seems to understand that Charlotte is quieter and often needs to be encouraged to join in or talk about herself.

Beth becomes a semi permanent fixture in their house, comes round after Sixth Form, joins in with family dinners, Bernie is never surprised to come home from work to find the girls sat on the sofa beside her daughter or sat at the kitchen table laughing and chatting with Charlotte and Serena while they prepare dinner, quite often peeling the potatoes or chopping some vegetables for the evening meal. Because she’s so present it becomes obvious when Beth’s visits start to dwindle and Charlotte talks about her less. When Bernie asks Charlotte just shrugs, tells her that, with exams coming up, they are taking a step back from each other to study, both want to make sure they get the best they possibly can out of their A Levels. When, after exams are over and the summer stretches out before them and Beth doesn’t return Bernie tries to ask but Charlotte shrugs, says they just grew apart and she’s ok and for all Bernie actually believes her she pulls her daughter into a tight hug, kisses her temple.

“I love you darling,” she murmurs, leans back to meet her eyes and smiles, “And I’m so proud of you for being true to yourself.” 


	17. Tiny Ellie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of Tiny Cam and Tiny Charlie and finishes the unintentional trilogy.
> 
> I feel like I might be getting back into my groove again, fingers crossed...

By the time Ellie was born there wasn't that much left to be scared of. Bernie had proven to herself twice that she could be a mother, that she was actually good at it and with Charlotte she had shown herself that she had it in her to raise a girl not just a boy.

The fear of Ellie's birth came with actually being there, while she had missed both Cam and Charlotte being born they had planned with time to spare the third time round and when Serena was induced Bernie was right there beside her. She didn't know what to expect, only knew the aftermath that giving birth had wrought on her wife before and Serena had been very against discussing it further, only ever saying that it had been ok, she had been ok. For all she did a rotation on a maternity ward during her training, watched women give birth, watched complications arise and be dealt with these women were strangers, their unborn babies strangers too but Serena was her wife, the baby she was carrying their unborn daughter and even the small possibility of losing one of them made her feel sick to her stomach.

It doesn't help that Ellie is reluctant to enter the world, they make four trips to the hospital in the weeks following the due date with false starts so that by the time two weeks have passed Bernie is a jittery mess, constantly tensed and waiting for it finally to be time. They try everything, pineapple, hot curries, long walks but Ellie has made herself comfortable and three weeks passed due they find themselves admitted into the hospital for an induction. Ellie still doesn't want to budge until 24 hours later when she can't seem to come fast enough and, although Serena is exhausted she is forced bring their girl into the world quickly.

Despite the stress of it all Bernie is glad she managed to be there this time, thinks she's never been prouder of her wife, never more in love with her than she is right in that moment, exhausted but with their daughter laid against her chest and a serene smile on her face.

"Here, you take her," she offers after the first successful feed when she can barely keep her eyes open and Bernie scoops her up, bends to kiss Serena's still sweaty forehead.

"I love you darling," she murmurs against the skin, "I'm so proud of you."

"Get to know your daughter, I'm just going to close my eyes for five minutes." Serena murmurs and Bernie strokes her face, kisses her forehead again.

"Get some rest my love, we'll be right here when you wake up." She's not convinced Serena hears the last of it, convinced that she's already asleep but she kisses her wife one last time, lingers to look at her a little longer then turns her attention to their daughter, lifts her to kiss her forehead before lowering her to the cot beside Serena's bed. When she's sure Ellie isn't going to make a fuss she slips into the adjoining bathroom, quickly slips out of her hoody and strips off her tshirt and bra before slipping the hoody back on and moves back into the room, strips Ellie down to her nappy then settles them both in the easy chair in the corner, lays Ellie against her chest, her blanket over her back, then zips the hoody (worn specifically for this reason) around them both.

"Hello little one," she murmurs, strokes her hand over Ellie's fuzzy little head, "I'm your Mumma and I've loved you since the minute I knew you were on your way. I might not always be around to say it but I love you very much and I'll do everything I can to protect you..."

* * *

  
The real fear comes the day the world explodes around her and she wakes up in the back of a helicopter unable to move anything much at all. She's scared for all of her kids, that she might not make it to tell them she loves them one more time but she's terrified to leave ellie without seeing the person she will turn into.

Even when they touch down at Holby and Serena is there to meet her she's still scared and she can see her own fear reflected back at her from her wife's face and in the way Serena clings to her hand until the last possible second. It's days afterwards that Serena admits that they had nearly lost her, that she'd crashed in theatre and hey hadn't been far from giving up on her, in an uncharacteristic show of emotion she cries for what she almost lost without knowing, hates herself for ever putting her family in a situation where they might lose her to war.

The day before she is discharged from hospital Ellie is grizzly, Serena says she is teething, and Bernie is frustrated and snappy, she hasn't been able to hold her daughter, hug her wife since she came out of surgery and the fact she's been confined to the bed is doing nothing for her temperament. As usual she can count on Serena to soothe her the best she can, moves some pillows around, pulls back the blanket and settles Ellie in the crook of her arm.

"I'll just be along the corridor, shout if you need anything," she says gently, kisses Bernie's forehead, strokes Ellie's head and then disappears, leaves Bernie staring down at their little girl who is staring back at her with wide, brown eyes, Serena's eyes.

"Hello little one," she murmurs, twists as best she can to lay her hand against the babies chest, her thumb stroking backwards and forwards against her side, lets the simple act soothe her frayed nerves, "I'm glad you won't remember all this when you grow up, I'm so sorry that I did things that meant you and Cam and Lottie might lose a parent, I'm sorry I kept going away and leaving you all. I love you with all my heart and I promise I'll make up the last few months that I've missed and I'll keep making them up to you for as long as I live."

Even though, after the surgery and the physio, she gets to walking again she worries for a long time that she'll never be quite as fit as she was, that she'll never get to teach her youngest how to climb a tree like she did her older brother and sister, that she'll never get to carry her little girl on her shoulders or carry her up to bed when she falls asleep on the sofa after a long day. It's this fear, and Serena's constant reminders of the things she wants to be able to do again that keep her going even when it seems hopeless, even in the days she is in so much pain she doesn't think she can move from bed and, although she doesn't share it with her family, she vows to herself that she will never knowingly endanger herself again, that she will keep herself safe so she can keep them safe.


	18. Stereotypical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it was BlueBeetle who asked for something about Serena knowing Bernie was a lesbian because of the way she dressed and Bernie being clueless, this is it, kind of...
> 
> I've been struggling to wind down enough to write much of anything at all recently so this might not be my best but I'm just happy to have gotten it out!

“But how do I know she’s interested?” Charlotte asks with a sigh, her head in Serena’s lap, her feet in Bernie’s. They have eaten their weight in pizza and ice cream, listened while Charlotte nervously told them that there was a girl at college she thought was cute and she wanted to ask out.

“You don’t,” Bernie says and Charlotte looks at her scandalised, “you just have to try it.”

“But what if you don’t even know if she likes girls that way.” Charlotte turns to Serena for support and she simply chuckles, rubs her fingers through Charlotte’s hair.

“Your mumma isn’t the best to ask in these situations darling. I could have worn a sign around my neck and I don’t think she’d have realised I was interested.”

“Oy!”

“Tell me how you knew then,” Serena challenges and Bernie rolls her eyes, sighs and Serena knows she has won, knows she will always win on this point because Bernie was clueless, even after Serena gave up with the subtle hints and just kissed her she was clueless. When Bernie isn’t forthcoming she chuckles, “point proven, if I hadn’t just bitten the bullet and kissed you we wouldn’t be sitting here today.”

“So how did you know mum? If mumma didn’t know how could you tell she was interested in you, how could you tell she was even gay?” Serena taps her daughters shoulder to sit and pushes herself to her feet, wanders towards the shelves in the corner that hold the photo albums and pulls out one from hers and Bernie’s early relationship that she doesn’t think has been out since the children were tiny.

“Sometimes it’s just obvious, your mumma very kindly wore her sexuality on her sleeve even if she was totally clueless. The looks helped too, you can work out a lot from the way a person looks at you, sometimes the fact that they look at you at all is a big indication.”

“I never thought it was that obvious,” Bernie pouts and Serena strokes her cheek as she passes, drops down beside her daughter and puts the album in her lap,

“We’ll let our daughter decide shall we?” She smirks and watches Charlotte begin to flick through the album.

“Mum your hair was so long!” She says, turns to Serena with a frown, “why on earth did you cut it?”

“It was just easier,” Serena shrugs, “and once you lot came along I never would have had time to do anything with it.”

“That’s one surprise I wasn’t sure how I felt about for a while, your mum went to America and was gone a term, came back with her hair cropped up to her chin, the next term she came back with a pixie cut,” Bernie says, drapes her arm across the back of the sofa, twists her fingers in the back of Serena’s hair, slightly longer at the moment.

“Oh,” Charlotte chuckles and draws her parents attention back to the album in her knee, “mum is right mumma, Sorry. You might as well have been wearing a sign!”

“I knew you’d take her side,” Bernie pouts and Serena laughs outright, Charlotte chuckling too,

“Mumma, there are thirteen pictures on this spread and you are wearing a plaid shirt in,” She counts under her breath, bouncing her finger over the images, “nine of them.”

“They were comfortable,”

“I can’t believe one of my parents was such a stereotype I mean, I know that now you have this soft butch thing going on but I assumed it was a style you just grew into.”

“Soft butch?!? What on Earth...”

“Mumma honestly, you really need to learn the lingo, you’re part of a community,”

“I’ve survived this long,” Bernie shrugs, turns what Charlotte would refer to as a soppy smile on her wife, “and I managed to get the girls,”

“Ugh!” Charlotte mock heaves then turns to Serena. “Thanks mum, you’ve made me feel better, if someone as clueless as mumma can manage to find someone, I’m sure I can struggle my way through!” 


	19. Robbie the Bobbie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @bo748 on tumblr asked to see how Robbie might fit into this universe. At first I thought I couldn’t do it but the more I thought about it the more the ideas came. Not only does this explore Robbie but also unpacks some things that happened before Sabbatical that I’ve onky alluded to in the past. 
> 
> Thank you guys as usual for all the amazing support and feedback. You all rock.

The drive back to Ellie's halls is silent, the girl twisted in her seat so she can watch the world outside the car and ignore her mother completely. Bernie isn't surprised, knows the mood her daughter is in isn't aimed at her but instead at Serena whom Ellie feels is being totally unreasonable and although she would never speak the words out loud, Bernie is beginning to agree with her. They've sat through an awkward lunch then Serena had gone to work, leaving the house in an uncomfortable silence while Ellie packed up more of her things and Bernie did anything she could to ignore the tension radiating from every pore of her youngest. It's not often she disagrees with Serena's parenting choices, always knew that her own parents mentality of just leaving her to get on with it from quite an early age didn't necessarily work, she also knew that Ellie was their baby and no matter her age that would never change but she could also see that Serena's behavior was stifling the nineteen year old and it was pushing her away in a way that Serena couldn't seem to rectify, the trouble was, it was starting to drive a wedge between her and Serena too. It wasn't just Ellie, there were other things, things at the hospital that for some reason or another they couldn't manage to leave at work in the way they always had done, disagreements over patient care, hospital procedure that were morphing into disagreements over who drank the last of the milk and whos turn it was to take out the bins, they'd never argued like this, not in their whole life together and Bernie can't help but worry that maybe this is the beginning of the end for them, desperately doesn't want it to be true but isn't sure why any of this is happening, feels like Serena is almost trying to drive her away.

"Ellie wait," she says quietly when they pull up outside of her daughters flat and she immediately moves to get out of the car, "Doesn't your old mum get a hug?"

"I was hoping you'd help me take this stuff in?" Ellie says gently, turns to Bernie with a frown on her face, she smiles reassuringly at her and moves to climb out of the car,

"Not worried I'll embarrass you?" she laughs and Ellie smirks in a way that is all Serena,

"No one else is in mumma."

* * *

 

Bernie tries not to flinch at the state of the place, tries to remind herself of how her own student halls looked before she met Serena and the brunette made her clean up her act (and whipped the rest of the flat into shape too, they'd all been terrified of her!), follows Ellie into her room which is blessedly tidy in comparison, is glad that she got her neatness from Serena at least. She drops the box she's been carrying onto the bed and moves to leans against the edge of the desk, already piled high with text books and work, casts her eyes over the shelf above it and smiles at the pictures there, the faces of the most important people in her life smiling back at her from behind the glass, she's pleased that, despite things being a little strained between mother and daughter, Ellie still keeps them close, keeps them where she can see them.

"What's going on with mum?" Ellie asks after a long silence, Bernie turns to her where she's sat herself on the edge of the bed and frowns, "She's crazy at the moment and Charlotte says it's not just me getting it in the neck, that you and her are arguing too and mumma, we've never seen the two of you argue. None of us have ever seen you argue, Charlotte says she feels like she's living in a war zone."

"Honestly?" Bernie sighs, drops herself onto the bed beside her daughter and loops her arm around her shoulder, "I've got no idea, I don't know if it's your mum, or me, or both of us together, work is a nightmare at the moment and it's spilling over into home and, honestly, I think your mum is terrified that the last of her babies has grown up and is out in the world on her own."

"But none of that is your fault, or my fault, she was never like this when Charlie moved away, all these rules and sanctions, I'm almost twenty mumma, I thought she would ease off after I managed the first year without getting hospitalised or arrested."

"I know darling, look, I'll try and talk to her again, but she's just worried about you, it might not feel like it but she loves you sweetheart and she just wants what is best for you."

"It's like she's forgotten how much we all love her, she's so stressed with work and I get that, honestly, I can't fathom that you are as chill as you are, but it's not our fault."

"I worked in an active war zone for years and for better or worse, not much flusters me," Bernie shrugs, "Things will calm down and then maybe we can all try for a weekend away together, see if we can't work out some of the tension?"

"As long as its after I get back from Maga," Ellie grins, kisses Bernie on the cheek, "Love you mumma,"

"We still need to have a serious conversation about Magaluf Eleanor Wolfe," Bernie chuckles, squeezes her daughters shoulder, "But I'll make sure you can come too, wouldn't want our princess feeling left out now would we?!"

"Be honest, if you were allowed favorites I'd be it," Ellie chuckles and Bernie laughs pure and loud,

"Whatever you need to tell yourself to help you sleep at night baby girl."

* * *

  
Bernie fills her afternoon with cleaning and doing the food shopping, is hoping that if she gives her wife nothing to complain about they might be able to manage a slightly civil evening. She makes fresh pizzas, the only thing she knows she could make with her eyes closed, buys all of Serena’s favourite toppings, her favourite bottle of Shiraz, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s for afterwards. She’s just put the last of the tea prep dishes in the dishwasher and set it away when she decides she might as well surprise Serena too, meet her at the hospital and drive her home so she can start relaxing straight away so she checks the time, pulls on her running gear and sets off at a gentle jog.

It’s not far to the hospital and she’s got time so the run isn’t too strenuous, just enough to get her heart rate up a little, out a glow in her cheeks and release some endorphins. By the time she reaches the hospital she’s barely out of breath, queues at Pulses for coffee for both of them and then heads up to AAU.

The first thing she hears when she steps out of the lift is Serena’s laugh, the slightly dirty, totally flirty one that never ceases to make Bernie smirk and she wonders which poor bastard her wife has her claws into now, has known all along that flirtation is one of the brunettes best weapons, is happy just to hear the other woman laugh because it feels like so long since they laughed together.

She pauses slightly when she rounds the corner and the nurses station comes into view finds her wife in the chair she chooses when she’s out on the ward, a man she doesn’t recognises bent low over her shoulder, grinning like an idiot and talking to her in a low murmur. Bernie hates the sleaze ball on sight. Clearing her throat she is gratified when Serena looks up, finds her in the slight bustle of the ward and smiles at her, her smile widening when she sees the coffee in her hand. It’s the first genuine smiles she’s seen in days and she relishes it, returns it, eats up the space between her and her wife in two long strides, deposits the coffee in front of her with a grin, can’t help notice the way this mans hand sits over Serena’s smaller one on the computer mouse, can’t stop the taunting voice that suggests that Serena is only extricating her hand because Bernie herself has appeared.

“Hello, can we help you?” The man asks and the we makes her bristle although at least her appearance makes him stand, he’s still too close to her wife as far as she is concerned, his hip pressed into the back of her chair, his hand resting there too.

“Oh no, Robbie, this is Bernie, she’s a consultant here, my co-lead actually. Bernie this is Detective Metcalf.” Bernie holds out her hand to shake, might squeeze a little tighter than normal, smirks when the man winces, is glad to be out of his limp handshake.

“A pleasure,” he smiles but he’s barely looking at her, only has eyes for Serena, not that she blames him.

“You aren’t on shift today are you?” Serena asks, her attention half on Bernie, half on the PC in front of her, she knows Bernie isn’t on shift, writes the rota herself, but Bernie knows it’s her way of asking what she is doing there, can see the weariness in Serena’s eyes, can see that she’s as tired of the fighting as Bernie is, that she hopes this might be the end of it. Bernie knows it probably won’t be the end, tensions are running too high at work and at home for them not to argue again but Bernie is determined that that night will be about them reconnecting with each other.

“No no, I came to pick my wife up, thought she might appreciate not having to drive herself.”

“Very lucky woman your wife,” Serena smiles gently and Bernie can’t help but return it, sighs when Robbie interrupts with absolutely zero tact.

“Two female consultants. One a lesbian. Well, the hospital are certainly ticking off their equality and diversity quota with you two, now if only one of you were black! Your wife one of the nurses is she?”

“Not quite,” Bernie smirks, a smirk that turns vicious when Robbie just keeps on talking,

“You don’t mind it then Serena, that your co-lead likes the ladies, never worry she’s watching you while you change?” It’s Serena’s hand covering hers that stops her fist leaving it’s resting place atop the nurses station, a good thing really because she doesn’t think she’s get out of assaulting a police officer unscathed.

“Raf,” Serena calls and Bernie can tell she is fighting to keep her tone even, forces her own breath steady, focuses on Serena’s thumb stroking over her knuckles. Robbie still appears clueless, has a smug look on his face like he’s told the funniest joke ever and Bernie has to battle the urge to smack it right off his face, “Bernie’s here to take me home, can you help Detective Metcalf with whatever else he needs and then see him out.” Not looking back at the man in question Serena slides gracefully to her feet, tangles her finger with Bernie’s and pulls her across to the office, closes the door behind them.

“Breathe Berenice,” she soothes, turns and presses Bernie lightly against the door, runs a soothing hand over her cheek. “As much as I would love to set Major Wolfe on that idiot I don’t fancy my wife getting arrested.”

“He was extremely taken with you,” Bernie breathes out, “I mean, I can’t blame him but the way he was carrying on it was like he thought he was into a promise.”

“Not even a little bit,” Serena murmurs, mounds herself against Bernie’s front, “no matter how much of a cow I’ve been I know how lucky I am to be able to come home to you every night. Robbie the Bobbie didn’t even hit my radar.”

“You haven’t...”

“I have darling, I know I have,” Serena smiles sadly, “think you can forgive a grumpy old woman?”

“Without thought,” Bernie nods, leans down and brings their lips together for the first time all week, it’s gentle and warm, it’s like coming home. “I made pizza and there’s a bottle of Shiraz with your name on it. I figured since we care both off again tomorrow we could get disgracefully drunk.”

“Or you could take me to bed.”

“Well,” Bernie chuckles, pushes her fingers through Serena’s hair and cradles her skull in both of her hands, “that’s an option too. It’s just us tonight, we can do whatever we want, wherever we want.”


	20. Aunt Bernie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie deals with the societal assumption that she must be Charlotte’s Aunt. Because who has ever heard of a girl having two mums...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s taken me so long to type this up that I actively hate it now but it’s written so you guys might as well have it. My half term holiday starts today so I’m really hoping to get some decent productive writing done!

Bernie hears a groan from the en suite and rolls until she can see the clock, frowns when she sees that it's only five thirty. She hears the toilette flush a few moments later and Serena appears looking fragile, hugging Bernie's training hoody tight around her body.

  
"Ok?" Bernie asks, reaches her arm out, tugs her wife back towards the bed when she takes her hand,

"Period," Serena grumbles, perches delicately on the edge of the bed beside Bernie and the blonde rubs circles on her lower back,

"Bad?" she asks gently, knows that Serena's periods can go one of two ways but also knows it's only been a month or two since they settled out after having Ellie, 

"It's building up to be," Serena sighs, rubs a hand across her face lightly, she looks exhausted already and Bernie reaches up to brush her cheek,

"Get back into bed darling,"

"I have nothing in," Serena mutters, hangs her head, "I need to go to the shop,"

"I'll go," Bernie says, pushes herself to sitting and kisses her wifes shoulder, "You get back into bed and I'll run out and get what you need."

"Sure?" Serena asks, looks so hopeful that Bernie is glad that she offered, 

"Sure, now, into bed and text me a list of what you need." 

When she's finished getting dressed Bernie leans over the bed and kisses Serena's forehead lightly, her skin is hot and she's pushed the duvet down to her waist, she looks deeply disgruntled and Bernie strokes her cheek with a smile. 

"I wont be long and I'll bring home breakfast,"

"Be careful please, I'm still not thrilled about you driving."

"They've cleared me to do it and I'm ok, it's not far I'll be fine I promise. Try and get a little more sleep."

 

* * *

 

It's still dark out and there is a pre dawn chill in the air so Bernie jogs to the car, turns the heater right up as soon as she gets the engine going to warm everything through. The 24hr supermarket is only a short drive away and she heads in that direction, watches the sun come up as she goes until she is climbing out into the car park and the sky is shot through with pink. She makes quick work of Serena's list, picks up a few extras that she knows Serena wouldn't ask for but will appreciate all the same, adds pastries for them for breakfast and hopes they have time to eat them in the early morning quiet before the kids wake up. On her way home she detours to the Strabucks drive through, buys them both the biggest coffee she can and hopes it gets them through the morning.

 

* * *

 

The house is still blessedly quiet when she gets back and juggles the two bags and two coffees all the way up the stairs, shoulders the bedroom door open and isnt surprised to find that Serena hasn't gone back to sleep.

"Hey," she says gently, deposits the bags at the end of the bed and the coffees on the drawers so she can slip out of her trainers and jeans. She rummages in the bags and finds the painkillers, presents them to Serena along with her coffee than grabs her own coffee and the bag of pastries, hovers at the end of the bed with one in each hand, "Do you want a heat pad?" 

"Not at the moment," Serena shakes her head, chases down the painkillers with a mouthful of coffee, "What's in the bag?"

"Pastry, purely medicinal, obviously," Bernie smiles, slides back into bed and hands the bag to her wife, gives her first choice of the goodies inside.

"You spoil me," Serena smiles and although she looked exhausted it lights up her face a little,

"No more than you deserve," Bernie shrugs, isnt surprised when the bag is handed back to her minus the Pain au chocolat she knew Serena would favour, happily tears off a chunk of the remaining croissant and sips at her coffee. "How are you feeling?" it's been years since she had a period herself, so long that the thought no longer stings, but even when they were a regular (ish) part of her life they never hit her as hard as Serena's could.

"Exhausted," Serena sighs, shuffles slightly closer to Bernie, "I don't know why I'm surprised by it every month."

"You were pregnant for nine months and they only just started up again, but I'm home and pretty mobile now so you don't have to do everything yourself."

Bernie reaches for the DVD remote and hits play, is pleased when Will and Grace starts and not one of the kids films. Neither of them go back to sleep but they enjoy the last quet moments before the kids wake up curled together in the middle of the bed.

 

* * *

 

Charlotte is the first one up, wanders into the bedroom still rubbing her eyes and clambers onto the bed and over Serena.

"Careful darling," Bernie says when Serena winces, tugs Charlotte so she is nestled between them, "Mummy has a sore tummy so we need to be gentle with her,"

"Sorry mummy,"

"It's ok darling," Serena says, leans to kiss the top of her daughters head, looks concerned when she heaves a huge sigh, "What's wrong darling?” 

"Does that mean I can't go swimming today?" 

"I can take you," Bernie says, smiles at Serena's frown, "The PT said that swimming might be good and it's not like I'll be doing laps,"

"Really?" Charlotte's face lights up at the thought of her mumma being able to do these things with her now and Bernie knows that although she doesn't understand why or how much Bernie has missed of her life she's obviously happy to have her home, that it's still new and exciting.

"Yes darling, if that's ok with you."

 

* * *

 

Of course it's ok with Charlotte and despite wanting nothing more than to curl up on the sofa and alternate between sleeping and crying Serena gets Ellie ready and goes with them, ignores Bernie's look that says she knows exactly what she is doing, that she knows her wife is keeping an eye on her. She regrets it almost the minute she's settled in the viewing area above the pool. She's over warm already so the heat and humidity is stifling, the hard plastic chair unyielding and uncomfortable on her already sore back. She's pleased that Ellie has stayed asleep in her car seat, tries to get as comfortable as she can while sipping at a cold bottle of water, will herself to last the whole of Charlotte's lesson without throwing up.

She thrills slightly despite feeling awful when Bernie appears with their daughter balanced on her hip, her lean, tanned body encased in a sporty black bikini, when she realises her wife has drawn the attention of several other parents and at least one of the life guards. The best of it is Bernie is totally oblivious to it all, has eyes only for their little girl, helps Charlotte find Serena where she is sitting and the pair of them grin and wave before continuing to the junior pool where Charlotte's class mates are gathering with their parents.

 

* * *

 

Bernie tries not to feel self conscious as she walks towards the pool with Charlotte on her hip. She knows the bikini she is wearing will be totally out of place amongst the mums in their sensible one pieces but it's been years since she's been anywhere near a pool except on holidays but Serena had reassured her that it would be fine and she tries to hold onto that. She tries to ignore the stares, knows it probably has a lot to do with the still pink and puffy scar that bisects her chest, is pleased when she spots a mum she recognises amongst the faces of strangers.

"Bernie!" the woman waves and Bernie racks her brain, knows the woman's son is Matty, her wife is Jac which means she is...

"Eve," she grins, hopes that being home will help her get better and remembering the people that have been around for Serena and the kids when she has been away, help her get to know them in her own right instead of in fleeting visits home where her focus was always on her family. She lets Charlotte down to go and pick a pool noodle from the pile and lowers herself onto the edge of the pool beside the redhead, dangles her feet in the water. "How are you?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Eve says, quirks an eyebrow, "Serena has been keeping us informed but it's good to see you with my own eyes. That's going to be some scar."

"Mhm," Bernie says noncommittally, self-consciously fingers the scar, looks at her toes where they are trailing in the water

"Shit, sorry," Eve says, scrubs at her face, "Jac always tells me I should think before I speak."

"It's ok," Bernie says on a long breath, knows that people are going to point it out and that at least Eve wasn't being malicious, "How is Jac anyway?"

"Working hard just for a change," Eve shrugs, looks wistful, "She's in France at the moment but she's due back at the end of the week. Where's Serena today?" Bernie chooses to point her out, smiles when Serena waves at them both, tries not to dwell on the pang she feels at how much Serena probably empathized with Eve, two women left to look after the family while their wives were away working, has to remind herself that that isn't their life anymore, that she will never willingly Serena to do it alone again.

They chat a little longer, Charlotte and Matty sat on their laps clutching their chosen pool noodles, purple for Charlotte and Yellow for Matty, while they wait for the rest of the class and the teacher to arrive. Bernie is surprised when something resembling The Rock rounds the corner, had just assumed the kids swimming instructor would be a woman, not this beefcake who clearly things he's gods gift to the world, quirks an eyebrow at Eve who is sat beside her rolling her eyes.

"Tell me about it," the other woman mutters, "Watch them swoon." Bernie struggles to hold back a honk of laughter when she sees the way the other mothers react to the man so she's surprised when she turns to look at him and finds herself the center of his attention.

"I don't believe we've met," he says, holds out his hand and Bernie shakes it with a smile,

"Bernie," she offers, "With Charlotte Wolfe."

"Nice to meet you," he's crouched down beside her and she resist the urge to shuffle further from him, "So are you Charlotte's aunt?"

"No, no, I'm her mum," she says, tries not to bristle at the assumption, hates that it isn't the first time that this has happened

"Oh, I didn't realise she had a step mum, Serena never mentioned a divorce."

"That's because there wasn't one, Serena is my wife, Charlotte is my daughter."

"Oh, Serena just mentioned a partner in the army and I just assumed."

"Remember what happened the last time you assumed Ric?" Eve interjects and Bernie is glad, isn't sure what she have said otherwise, "What Jac said applies in this case too, except Bernie is actually trained to kill a man."

"Oh, um, my apologies," Ric says and shuffles away, gets ready to start the lesson,

"Do I want to know what Jac said?" she asks, tries to relax her shoulders, "And I'm not technically trained to kill."

"He doesn't know that,” Eve chuckles, slides into the pool, "And you know what Jac is like, I'm sure you can imagine what she said. Lets just say he's now terrified of my dear lady wife and has very much stopped his flirting with me, he has a type and it seems to be thirty something lesbian with devastatingly beautiful, and slightly dangerous, wives."

* * *

  
"Mummy, mummy, I swimmed!" Charlotte calls the minute she comes into view and Serena grins at her,

"I know darling, I saw," she smiles, swaps with Bernie so she is carrying Ellie in her car seat so she can pick the girl up and kiss her on the cheek, "I'm very proud of you."

"Can we go for ice cream?" she asks and Serena chuckles, rolls her eyes at Bernie over Charlotte's head,

"I think it's a little cold for ice cream baby," Bernie says, brushes over Charlotte's pet lip with her thumb, "How about hot chocolate instead?"

"With marshmallows?"

"Oh I'm sure we can manage that." Serena smiles, kisses Charlotte's temple then lowers her to the ground when she dangles her legs to be down, reaches a hand out to take the car seat back from Bernie,

"You're ok, I've got it," Bernie says, loops her arm around Serena's shoulder, "How are you feeling?"

"Hot. Sick. I'll live," Serena shrugs, "How did you find that?"

"Well Ric is a delight," Bernie rolls her eyes, "Assumed I was Lottie's aunt, then her step mother."

"For Gods sake, I really thought he would have learnt after meeting Jac! I thought I was past having to explicitly state that I had a wife."

"That's what Eve said," Bernie chuckles, presses a kiss to Serena's cheek, "Don't worry, we set him straight. I've invited Eve and Jac for dinner soon, as soon as Jac gets back from her latest travels." Serena smiles, is glad that Bernie seems to be remaking connections now that she's home, can only hope that she keeps going, that leaving the army can be a positive for all of them, not just Serena and the kids.

 


	21. Trick or Treat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had every intention of having this done in time to actually post on Halloween but it ran away with itself and I didn’t want to rush it. I hope you don’t mind that it’s twentyfour hours late! 
> 
> Quite a few of you gave me some ideas for Halloween one shots so I hope this fulfills most of them in some way. Even if it’s just a small mention. 
> 
> Now I need some ideas for one shots to fill the space between now and Christmas. 
> 
> You guys rocks. Honestly, thank you for always encouraging me.

Bernie misses more Halloweens than she's home for when the children are young, puts more effort into trying to be home for Christmas or birthdays when she can than the small holiday but knows from the pictures and letters she gets around that time of year that Serena is keeping the Halloween fires burning, instilling in their children the same love for the holiday that she passed on to Bernie all those years ago. True to form Serena themes their costumes every year (except the one year where Cam insisted on being a character from his favorite cartoon of the moment and Charlotte refused to play along) and in place of the couple costumes of old are family costumes that never fail to put a smile on Bernie's face.

It's not until she's blown back home that she has enough time around the holiday to be involved with her family, enjoys letting Serena do all of the planning in private, has learned to enjoy the surprise of the costume reveal. They decorate the house as a family the weekend before and spend the Sunday afternoon carving pumpkins with the kids, wait until they've put them all to bed to carve their own with mugs of hot cider and the fire on.

"I've missed this," Serena sighs, leans back to take in her handy work before moving in to do some more, Bernie has long since given up trying to make hers look like anything but a slightly lopsided grimace and has settled back into the sofa, her hands wrapped around her warm mug, she's been enjoying just watching Serena enjoy herself, she's missed this too but for different reasons to her wife.

"You aren't going to tell me what the costume is this year?" she asks, knows that she's more likely to get an answer from the brunette when she's doing something she enjoys and she is relaxed,

"Don't think you can trick me into it that easily Major," Serena chuckles, brandishes her carving knife in Bernie's direction, "But I promise you'll be more comfortable in it than you were in the Xena costume."

"That wouldn't be difficult to achieve," Bernie smirks, "Was worth it for afterwards though."

"Mmmm, that it was," Serena fixes her with a look, her eyes darken and Bernie reaches across the space between them to push the hair out of her eyes, caress her face, "But this will be just as pleasant I think."

* * *

  
The kids get about as excited for Halloween as they do for Christmas it seems and Cam pouts all the way to school that morning, doesn't understand why he should have to go in, never mind in normal clothes, when he knows there is a costumes waiting at home for him. It takes Bernie promising that he can change the minute he gets home for him to agree to walk through the door and even then it is with a pout on his face that forces Bernie to hide her face so he doesn't see her chuckle. Charlotte is much easier, it's fancy dress for nursery so she has donned her skeleton onesie and Bernie had spent half an hour trying to paint her face to match, it was nothing like Serena could have managed but Charlotte had insisted that Bernie be the one to do it and seemed thrilled with it, in Bernie's mind, that was all that mattered. Ellie is too young to be bothered by any of it but seemed pleased when Bernie had dressed her in the pumpkin onesie she'd bought her the previous week and Bernie knows she'll have no choice but to get in the Halloween spirit when she's older as long as Serena is around to make sure they are all celebrating.

Once the kids are dropped off and Bernie has dropped Serena at the hospital for her shift the blonde has a to do list a mile long from her wife that needs to be completed before she picks the children up at the end of the day, Serena is going to be slightly later home so it comes down to Bernie to add all of the finishing touches and perhaps most importantly, buy all of the food. She spends about an hour in the supermarket making sure she has picked up everything Serena asked for, candy for trick or treaters, apples for bobbing and more pumpkins and then comes the task of finishing the decorations, carving the last of the pumpkins.

* * *

 

By the time she picks up the kids from school everything is ready and she is ready for a nap, she's pleased to see that at least Charlotte and Ellie feel the same when they come out of nursery, ends up pushing Charlotte in the pram and putting Ellie in the sling on her chest so her middle daughter doesn't need to walk. By the time Cam comes out both girls are asleep and even Cam looks a little tired and she wonders if maybe she'll be able to close her eyes for a little while after all. Cam perks up a little bit when he sees the pumpkins lining the path and the bowl ready to be filled with sweets by the door but surprises Bernie when he doesn't immediately demand his costume.

"What time will mummy be home?" he asks, his sentence broken half way by a yawn and Bernie reaches down and ruffles his hair.

"Not for another hour or so darling, she's coming home as early as she can."

"Can we watch Hocus Pocus until she gets here?"

"Of course we can," Bernie breathes a sigh of relief, heards the older two into the living room, Ellie still sleeping in the sling across her chest. Charlotte lies down, pulls Bernie down so she is lying with her, it takes some maneuvering but they manage to all fit on the sofa while Bernie stays on her back so she doesn't have to disturb Ellie. It's where Serena finds them a little under an hour later when she arrives home early from work expecting to be greeted by a mad house and instead following the sound of the TV to her sleeping family. She wakes Bernie first, strokes a hand over her forehead and downs her cheek, smiles when the blondes eyes flutter open.

"Sorry," she mutters and Serena leans down to press a kiss to her forehead, "What time is it?"

"Still early, don't worry, the garden looks wonderful, you earned your nap." the kids start to stir at the sound of their parents talking, come awake rubbing their eyes and Serena leans to kiss them all hello. "Who's hungry?" she asks, isn't surprised when everyone replies in the affirmative, "Come on then, I brought pizza home, washed hands and then to the table." Serena reaches down and lifts Ellie onto her hip, helps Bernie to her feet when she winces as she moves, "Sore?"

"A little, nothing I can't handle," Bernie shrugs, pulls Serena and their youngest daughter into a hug and kisses her cheek, "Ok day at work?"

"Manageable," Serena shrugs as they wander to the kitchen where the pizza is already on the table and the kids have pulled themselves into their seats, Serena puts Ellie into her highchair while Bernie pours them all drinks and then they are sitting down together for tea, the kids getting more excited as the meal goes on and they get closer to being able to put their costumes on.

* * *

  
Bernie knows as soon as she sees Charlotte's collared black dress what Serena has done this year, can't help wonder which of the two parental roles her wife will have given her, thinks it wouldn't be the first time that Serena had changed things up a little and done the exact opposite of what she expected, can already see a long black wig and crushed velvet dress in her future, isn't sure how she feels about it. She replaces Charlotte's skeleton make-up, slightly smudged from a days wear and their earlier nap, with a white face and dark eyes, plaits her hair into pigtails after she has sprayed it with black hair spray, has visions of sending her daughter to nursery the next day with chunks of her hair still a dirty black. Cam appears in his stripy top and shorts and she paints his face the same, whites him out then smudges black around his eyes, helps him style his hair, lets him tuck the plastic slingshot into his back pocket after he has promised not to use it.

She leaves the kids in front of the TV, finds Serena in their room and isn't surprised to see that her wife is already dressed in a well tailored Gomez Addams style pinstriped suit and her own black dress hung on the wardrobe door.

"Kids ready?" she asks, turns away from the mirror to smile at Bernie,

"Yup, watching the end of Hocus Pocus. Where's Ellie?"

"She fell asleep while I was dressing her so I've put her down for a little while. Come sit and I'll sort your makeup out."

* * *

 

Bernie can't get over how much she enjoys the night despite feeling slightly uncomfortable in the dress and wig, feels a warmth at the knowledge that she never has to miss this again. The kids love every minute of it, go to all of the neighbors with their plastic pumpkin buckets, are polite and happy. They meet up with their friends on the way and everyone comes back to their's to bob for apples while the adults drink hot cider. It's getting late by the time everyone leaves and Bernie knows that the kids are going to be grumpy as all hell when they are woken for school in the morning but she thinks it was worth it, they had fun and they've made some memories as a family and Bernie thinks she can cope with the grumps for a little bit if that is what they all get out of it. Since being blown up she's realised that sometimes you just have to do things even if they don't necessarily fall at the right time and she's determined to make memories with her kids, doesn't want to look back on their childhood and wish she had done more. She knows she probably will of course, knows that however much they do she'll look back and regret something, wish she'd done something differently, but she's willing to do the best she can do and she thinks that that's what matters in the end.

She lets Serena head up to bed while she locks up, snags the bucket of sweets that Ellie can't eat from the table in the hall as she makes her way up the stairs herself, sticks her head in on all three kids and isn't surprised to find them all fast asleep. Her wife is already in bed when she makes it to the bedroom, a photo album open on her knee and Bernie changes quickly, her curiosity getting the better of her.

"What's that?" Serena asks as she settles beside her, nestles the novelty candy bucket between their thighs,

"Candy," Bernie shrugs as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, leans into her wife's shoulder and takes in what she's looking at, smiles when she sees them both looking back at her, younger but equally happy, she wonders if all this album does is document their Halloweens together.

"Well that much I got," Serena chuckles, nudges Bernie in the shoulder, fishes out a black jack for herself, "What I meant was, I know we had no sweets left so where did these ones come from?"

"Well Ellie can't eat them can she and lets be honest, the other two don't need any more sugar so I thought we might as well share them," Bernie shrugs, snags a miniature bag of haribo for herself, "More to the point, what's this?" she asks, gestures at the album.

"This my love, is Halloween," Serena smiles, twists to kiss the blonde on the cheek and then flips the book closed, starts flipping pages so Bernie can see. Bernie is amazed, hadn't even known that some of these pictures existed but it is Halloween, every Halloween they have ever shared from that first year when they had only been together for six month but were very much the it couple in their year and Serena insisted on their first couples costume, had insisted on Aphrodite and Sapho. Bernie chuckles at them dressed as Thelma and Louise, flushes at them dressed as Xena and Gabrielle. The family pictures make her heart hurt a little at how much she has missed and she hates that she's only on one or two of them, hates that she's missed so much but can't help remember that she's not going to miss any more. "We've done pretty good?" Serena nudges when she reaches the end, clasps the book on her knee and leans into Bernie's side, Bernie wraps her arm around her shoulder and kisses the crown of her head.

"No darling, you've done good, all I've done is follow you into the unknown."

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh God, this is it guys! This one comes with all the warnings and all the tissue recommendations. I've moved away from cannon a bit here to fit in with what I've alluded to in the rest of this universe. 
> 
> I started writing this because I'd had a bit of a rubbish few days and I always write the depressing stuff when I'm low and when I felt a bit better I wasn't sure if I would be able to finish it, but it just kept coming and coming and I honestly had to make myself wind it in and finish it.
> 
> I promise I'll try and write some lovely fluffy, happy one shots now that I've got this out of my system (or maybe some smutty ones if anyone has any suggestions...)
> 
> You guy rock, honestly. Feel free to come over to Twitter and shout at me for this and also for updates on what I'm working on next (plus puppy spam till the cows come home!) @LibbySmith_Reed.

Bernie throws her car into the usual parking space and dives out, doesn't take the time to make sure she's parked between the lines, only just remembers to press the lock button in her haste, her only thought is getting to her wife and daughter. When asked later she wont remember the drive to the hospital, wont really remember the phone call that took her there but wont be able to forget the reason, none of them will. She doesn't bother to wait for the lift, knows the standing still, the waiting, even for a moment will drive her insane, takes the stairs two at a time to ITU, buzzes impatiently until someone listens, someone lets her in.

No one stops her, they've become quite the powerhouse couple around the hospital her and Serena, and if she was more with it she would notice the pitying looks, the knowledge in the eyes of those present, but she doesn't and its probably a good thing, probably would have been her undoing otherwise. It's the ward nurse who dares get in her way, doesn't flinch at the barbed words she spits at being stopped on her mission, changes direction as soon as the words filter through, as soon as she realises that neither of the people she needs to see are there, that they are both along at CT, ignores the suggestion that she sit and wait because she can think of nothing worse.

She slows her pace when she gets near, tries to slow her hammering heart but knows it has absolutely nothing to do with the physical exertion and everything to do with walking into the unknown. She rounds the corner slowly, finds her wife standing outside the observation glass ringing her hands, she doesn't look round even when Bernie's trainers squeak on the floor. She doesn't know where to put her eyes, torn between looking after her wife and seeing her daughter with her own eyes, doesn't know she really wants to see her daughter with her own eyes. She calls herself a coward when she stays side on to the glass, keeps her eyes trained firmly on her wife's profile, takes her twitching hands between her own and rubs her fingers over her knuckles, wants to soothe in any way she can, wants the distraction from feeling like she might vibrate apart. It's only when she initiates the physical contact that Serena seems to notice her, turns her head so their eyes meet and she watches Serena crumble in front of her eyes, is only just fast enough to catch her around the waist and pull her the short distance to a visitors chair before she hits the floor.

"I've got you," she murmurs against the top of her head, "I've got you, you're ok," They are nonsense words, useless, because Bernie knows they are a lie because she knows that whatever comes from this, they will all be changed in some way. She doesn't ask Serena to tell her what she knows, isn't sure she is ready to hear it and knows Serena is in no state to repeat it, thinks she'll wait for the consultant, hopes by then she will be able to listen to and process the facts.

* * *

 

She thinks it's a nurse who tells them that Ellie is being taken back to the side room when the scans are all done and she helps Serena to her feet so they can follow numbly. She's shocked into feeling when they are alone and she can see her little girl with her own eyes, hadn't been able to see an awful lot through the observation glass, wishes she didn't have a professional knowledge of the human body, wishes her brain wasn't automatically cataloging Ellie's injuries, what they mean as part of the wider whole.

"What have they said?" she manages, her voice hoarse, when it becomes apparent that nobody is in any rush to come and see them, Serena has all but collapsed into the chair by Ellie's bed and taken their daughters hand between both of her own, she doesn't take her eyes off Ellie's face as she answers.

"Not much," the frustration is evident in Serena's tone but she also sounds empty and bleak and Bernie moves up behind her, drops her hand onto her shoulder, is pleased when Serena frees one of her hands to cover her own, she can see Ellie's face even more clearly from there, can further catalog her injuries, two black eyes, a clearly broken nose, probably a broken cheek bone too, they are obviously worried about a head injury too otherwise the CT wouldn't have been rushed through, she doesn't think their little girl has ever looked so small, "They are still waiting on all of the test and scan results to come back, she almost definitely has internal injuries, a broken wrist too they think and then there's the damage to her head. I finally understand why relatives get so impatient, this is torture," Bernie knows what she means, bends down to kiss the top of her wife's head, squeezes her shoulder, "But the worst of it is the police are here and they want to speak to her, to us, want to photograph and record, they've already taken her bag."

"Why?" Bernie asks, knows that its partly because their daughter has clearly been beaten but has a bad feeling that there's more to it, something that she can't quite put her finger on, something that has been lurking on the periphery of every interaction with their daughter for montsh. They are interrupted before Serena can answer by the consultant coming back and it's all a blur from then.

* * *

 

With some distance and time to grieve and process she'll realise that she knew, or at least her body knew, the exact moment that they lost her, but in the moment all she knows is that she goes from feeling physically ok to being physically sick with very little warning, feels like she's been punched in the stomach, like she's been winded afterwards. The winded feeling is one that wont leave her for a long time. Serena is by her side, rubbing her back the minute it's clear what is happening, hands her some tissue and a glass of water once she has stopped throwing up. They've said very little to each other since Ellie was taken into surgery other than Serena confirming Bernie's fears, that their daughter was involved in something that has gotten her into this mess, that it was something illegal. She doesn't care though, thinks they could deal with anything just as long as their little girl was ok, doesn't want to guess but thinks she probably knows what Ellie has gotten herself involved in and wishes she had felt like she could come to her mums for help, thinks that it explains a lot about the attitude and the tension over the last several months.

The kids arrive at the same time as the surgeon, Bernie called Cam the minute she got off the phone to Serena that first time, asked him to round up Charlotte and get there, not knowing then what to expect but understanding the tone in her wife's voice. She'd called Jason too, let him know what was going on and gave him the option, didn't want to make him uncomfortable, didn't want to make him feel like he needed to be there if he would be happier waiting at home. When she sees the look on the surgeons face, hears Serena crumple behind her, she's glad he stayed at home, knows he wouldn't have been able to deal with this and that none of them would have been able to support him.

She barely registers what the surgeon is saying, feels like her head is full of white noise but doesn't need to hear the words to know what they are being told, to know that she'll never be able to tell her daughter that she loves her again. Serena is sobbing, it's the only sound that breaks through the static, but she feels trapped where she stands, is scared to move for fear of breaking apart, wants to go to her wife but knows that she doesn't have the strength to hold them both up, not in this. It's Cam who goes to his mums side, he's white as a sheet but he's holding it together better than any of them, not for the first time taking his role as man of the house seriously, and he slides to the floor with Serena when her legs give out, cradles her against him as she sobs. Bernie's tears haven't come and she's glad for it, thinks that if she starts she might never stop again, snaps herself out of her stupor when she hears Charlotte whimper and crosses the room in two long strides, pulls the girl to her and lets her fall apart in her arms, meets her sons sad eyes across the room and has to turn away when the tears threaten to fall.

* * *

 

It feels like hours before anyone comes to ask if they want to see Ellie before she is taken downstairs, Bernie is sat in the corner with her head in her hands, doesn't feel equipped to deal with any of this, doesn't know what to do, how to look after her family, the kids have flanked their mum, and Bernie is ok with that, Serena has stopped crying or at least she is no longer audibly sobbing, but Bernie can't bring herself to look at her wife's face. She looks up briefly to give the nurse a nod, hates the look of pity that flashes in the girls face, hates that she is someone she recognises, who sometimes works with them on the ward, but doesn't move, knows what she needs to do but doesn't think she'll ever be ready to do it. She looks when a hand appears in her field of vision, finds Serena looking down at her, heartbroken but determined,

"We have to." she says but her voice is barely there, lost to her grief, and Bernie knows she is right, takes the hand in hers and lets herself be pulled to her feet. It's the first time they've touched since she heard the news and the contact is grounding in a way only Serena's touch can be and she pulls her wife to her before they move anywhere hopes to convey all of the things she doesn't have the strength to say in that moment. "We'll go and then you can go and see her if you want to," Serena says when they've drawn apart, though Bernie is pleased that she has stayed close, can't bare to be without the contact now that she's allowed herself to have it.

"Take as long as you need," Cam says, he sounds strong but Bernie can tell from the look on his face that he's barely holding it together, knows that he is only doing it to spare them. Serena nods, draws Bernie towards the door by the hand, only stops when Charlotte's quiet voice breaks the thick silence.

"We love you mums," It's nearly Bernie's undoing and she hears Serena choke on a sob by her side, frees her hand to wrap her arm around her shoulder and pull her close to her body.

"We love you too, both of you," she says sadly, is struck by the heartbreaking realisation that she will never hear Ellie say the same, will never be able to tell their baby girl how much she is loved.

Bernie has never felt uncomfortable in an operating theater, not since the first time she observed a simple surgery as a student doctor, she's never found the smell of antiseptic cloying but after this she's not sure she will be 100% comfortable in the environment again. They've cleared away the detritus of surgery, the monitors, the used equipment, the blood, because she has no doubt there was blood and probably a lot of it, the room has been returned to the pre surgery standard, all except the bed left in the middle of the room, the body covered in the white sheet.

She surprises herself by stopping in the scrub room to throw up, heaves over the bin for several moments before she feels like she can straighten up, wipes across her mouth with the back of her hand. Serena is watching her from a distance, her eyes sad and Bernie feels foolish for her reaction.

"Sorry," she says self consciously, casts her eyes through the glass window into the OR and shudders,

"No don't be," Serena sighs, crosses the room to stand at Bernie's side, shoulder to shoulder at the sinks, a position they have mirrored numerous times over the years, "I need to do this but that doesn't mean you have to." She understands what her wife is saying and there is a part of her that wants to shy away from the whole thing, to take the invitation to avoid it but she also knows she needs to do it, that she'll only regret it if she doesn't so she takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders and tangles her fingers with the brunette's.

"No, we both need to do this," she says, feels Serena squeeze her fingers, squeezes in return then lets herself be lead through the door, is glad that Serena is being strong for the both of them in this. She watches her wife pull back the sheet with shaking hands and chokes on a sob, her beautiful girls face is bruised and broken, her skin pale beneath the dark purple and yellow, but aside from the injuries it's just as if she was asleep and God how Bernie wishes that was the case. She dashes away the tears that blur her vision, isn't ready to fully open that door yet, isn't sure she ever will be, and moves closer, strokes her hand over her girls cheek, hadn't realised how shaky she was until her brain processed the image of her hand completing the option.

"Oh darling," she says brokenly, is aware of Serena across from her shaking with her own tears but knows there is nothing she can do to help her wife or herself.

"I hope she knew how much we loved her," Serena says and Bernie covers the hand resting on their daughters lifeless chest with her own, meets her eyes with as much surety as she can muster, thinks haven't been great between them and their youngest for a while now but she knows the relationship between Serena and Ellie has been more strained than her own, knows that the other woman will be blaming and regretting every angry word she has spoken in the whole of Ellie's life, but she also knows that their daughter, none of their children, could doubt how much they are loved.

"I have no doubt she did," she offers, "Even when we were cross with her she knew we loved her, they all do."

"Can we sit with her for a while?" Serena seems unsure, small and Bernie wants to do anything she can for this woman, wants to protect her because she needs to prove to herself she can protect someone after all of this, "I'm not ready to..."

"Of course," Bernie says when she trails off, pulls the anesthetists chair over for Serena then finds a stool for herself, doesn't care or even consider that he back will protest from the lack of support. They sit in silence for a long time, Bernie has no idea what is going through Serena's head but she is trying to find the words, scientifically she knows that Ellie wont be able to hear what she has to say, emotionally she knows she should have grasped every chance she had to say them when her daughter was alive, but her heart knows that she needs to say something, get it out into the universe, to save it eating her up inside.

"I knew from the minute you started to develop your own personality that you were going to be a little princess so different from Cam and Charlotte." It's no surprise to Bernie that it's Serena who finds the words first, her wife has always been the more verbose of the two of them, Bernie much more comfortable expressing herself through actions, for better or worse. "So like me that I knew you would be your mumma's little girl, your mumma's favorite if she was allowed them." Bernie can't help the chuckle that slips out along with the beginnings of more tears because it's true, she loved all of her children with everything she was but Ellie had been her little princess from the first moment she held her in her arms. "See, she agrees with me, and I know she was your favorite too and I didn't mind, seeing the two of you together always made my heart swell with joy and it never meant I loved you less, because I do love you Ellie, I know that in the last few months you might have struggled to believe it but there's never been a time when I didn't love you, when I wouldn't have done anything to help you if you'd just come to me. I know I've always been the shouty parent but god Ellie, I wish you'd spoken to me." Serena dissolves, presses her face into Ellie's side and sobs and all Bernie can do it stroke her hair, try and find her own words.

"I made a promise to you on the day that you were born," she starts eventually, can do nothing to banish the tears now, nor the hoarseness of her voice, "A promise that I would always protect you, that I'd always make sure you were safe, I've broken that promise." she sobs, leans her head against Serena's shoulder and tries to breathe, tries to push away the feeling of drowning, "And I'm so sorry darling because now I never get to make it up to you, I never get to say I'm sorry. I love you darling, I've loved you from the minute I knew you existed and I'll love you until I draw my very last breath. We are so, so proud of you and your passion and your drive, I'm just sorry I couldn't protect you well enough to let you cultivate it and grow."

* * *

  
It's starting to get light again by the time they return home, exhausted and all out of tears, Bernie's eyes feel gritty and sore, the skin of her face feels tight and she feels washed out, she knows she must look it, sees exactly how she is feeling reflected back at her in Serena's face, Serena who shies away from her every time their eyes meet or their hands brush. The house is quiet, Jason chose to go and stay with Allan after he heard the news, didn't want to be at home alone but didn't want to be at the hospital either and Bernie feels guilty for being glad he isn't there, not because she doesn't want to see him because she does, but because she knows that none of them have the strength left to help him in the way she knows he will need it, not yet anyway.

Cam ushers them upstairs, Charlotte too, insists they get into their pyjamas despite their protests that they wont sleep, he agrees with them but also knows they need to try, even if it's just for an hour. Bernie knows that Serena is already compiling a list in her head of all the people they need to tell, wishes there was a way they could skip all of that, doesn't think she will ever be ready to utter the words.

When Cam makes it upstairs with sweet tea they have all changed, Bernie is sat in bed with Charlotte curled into her side, but Serena wont settle, is flitting around the room picking things up and putting them down right where they came from because she doesn't know what else to do, Bernie knows how she feels, is only staying in one place because Charlotte needs one of them and she was the first one dressed. Even with the tea in hand Serena continues to wander, it isn't pacing, it lacks the purpose, but she is unsettled and doesn't know where to put herself. Eventually she wanders out of the room and only Cam's hand on her arm stops Bernie following her, she's sure she knows exactly where she's headed.

"Stay with Lottie," he says gently, gestures to his sister who has practically fallen asleep, "I'll go." she doesn't argue, doesn't want to disturb her daughter when she's managing to get some rest, watches him leave the room as she runs her fingers rhythmically through Lottie's hair. She has no doubt that Serena's feet will have taken her to Ellie's room, has no doubt that it's the place she will feel closest to their daughter even though it's been over a year since she lived there permanently.

"Do you think she was in pain?" Lottie asks quietly, her eyes still closed and Bernie looks down at her sadly, can't bring herself to be honest like she should be. She's the only one who knows the full extent of their babies injuries, wanted to protect the rest of her family from the full extent of the truth, and she knows that up until they put her under for surgery, Ellie would have been in agony, regardless of any pain killers they gave her before they realisedthe quantity of drugs already in her system.

"She never woke up from the anesthetic sweetheart," she murmurs, "And they will have given her morphine when she was brought in." she doesn't mention the other things that were in her system, doesn't mention that if they hadn't been she might have survived.

"We didn't know, you know," Charlotte continues, "Me and Cam, she never told us, about any of it. I knew she was a party girl but I never thought..."

"It's ok darling," she soothes, leans down to kiss her girls head, to breathe her in, tries to ground herself in the living, breathing child in her arms, but her arms ache to hold Ellie, ache with the desire to never let her go.

* * *

  
She doesn't realise she has drifted off until the dipping of the mattress rouses her and she blinks her eyes open to see Cam straightening out, Serena laid awkwardly on the bed beside her.

"She cried herself out," he whispers and she nods, holds out her hand, squeezes his when he accepts it,

"You should get some rest too." she says gently, he looks exhausted, like he's carrying the weight of the world and she knows he hasn't let go of anything yet, that he's been keeping it together and taking on all of their grief, that he needs an outlet too. She wishes there was space for him in bed with them even though she knows he would never accept it.

"Go back to sleep mumma," he murmurs, leans down and kisses her on the forehead, she doesn't let her eyes close again until she's seen him settle in the armchair in the corner with the throw tucked around his shoulders, not until she has readjusted her grip on Charlotte to make it possible to cover her wife's hand with her own, at least in sleep Serena allows the contact.

She doesn't sleep again, not really, not deeply, is aware of every creak and noise, every movement of her wife and daughter in the bed beside her. Serena sleeps long and deep and she's glad, knows that she can survive on little sleep but knows that Serena will struggle without catching up on what she has missed. After about an hour her bladder forces her out of bed and she slides from beneath Charlotte, is pleased when she barely stirs, and slips into their bathroom. She tries to avoid her reflection in the mirror above the sink but can’t help but be drawn in by her hollow eyes, her pale skin. She pauses in the door way to the bedroom, watches sadly over her fitfully sleeping family but can’t bring herself to join them again just yet. Her feet take her down the stairs and to a little used drawer in the corner of the kitchen, Serena calls it the catch all drawer, the rest of them call it the crap drawer and Bernie puts her hand right to the back, grasps a box that has been buried in there for over a year, grabs a lighter from beside the candles on the dining room table on her way to the back door.

It’s where Serena finds her three cigarettes later, cuddled up in one of their grey Holby hoodies on the back step, there’s an excuse, or maybe an apology, half way out of her mouth when her wife settles down beside her and snags the last of it from her fingers, puts it to her lips and takes a long, steady pull. Bernie hasn’t seen her wife smoke since they were students, if it were under different circumstances she would have paused to appreciate exactly how much she had always enjoyed the brunette with her head tilted back, breathing a column of smoke up to the sky, her features slack and relaxed.

“The kids are still asleep,” she says quietly, passes the cigarette back to Bernie who takes the last draw and then stubs it out, reaches for the pack by her feet and lights up another, passes it to Serena who barely hesitates before taking it again.

“Good, I’m glad,” she’s surprised when Serena’s head lands on her shoulder, tucks her arm around her back and lays a kiss on the crown of her head. They pass the cigarette back and forth between them both lost in their own thoughts, Bernie is just glad they can be lost together.

“What are we going to do?” Serena murmurs and Bernie squeezes her shoulder, keeps her held tight to her, “How do we deal with all of this?”

“Together.” Bernie says simply, she doesn’t have an answer past that, doesn’t know herself how they are supposed to deal with this, is sure their isn’t a manual for loosing a child, but she’s confident that as long as they’ve got each others back, they’ll come out the other end ok.

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure what this is except that it's happier than the last one shot I gave you and I did promise happier after all! Read this way for random family fluff!

Bernie would love to know who put the idea of figure skating into her daughters head, thinks she could maybe blame the recent winter Olympics or her wife's sudden obsession with Dancing on Ice, curses both as she sits and shivers at the edge of the rink early one Saturday morning. She's not sure how she drew the short straw either, how Serena had managed to wangle taking Cameron to football and then Charlotte to her piano lesson in a nicely heated studio and she had had to get up at the crack of dawn to make the hour and a half drive to the only skating instructor they had been able to find in the area. It could be, she thinks, because she was the one to cave first, as she was in everything Ellie wanted enough to keep pestering them about, but she ignores that little voice for now, doesn't need a reminder that she's a sucker for her whole family, knows that all it takes is one of them fluttering their eye lashes at her and she's wrapped around their little fingers.

 

She winces when she sees her daughter hit the ice, is half way out of her seat before she stops herself, knows that she is in safe hands, that a few falls are to be expected and Ellie brushes herself off quickly and is back on her feet with a determination in her face that, even from the distance, is so Serena that Bernie knows that this wont be a passing fancy, the she has got her teeth into it now and she is going to succeed no matter how hard it is. She's gained confidence even in the first half an hour, looks like she is a natural on the ice when in fact they have only been ice skating as a family at the pop up Christmas rink a hand full of times, Bernie wonders if her dance training helps, thinks that it probably has an awful lot to do with it. 

Stamping her feet to try and get the blood moving she fumbles to get her phone out of her pocket so she can take some pictures to take to Serena, her hands are probably the coldest part of her and she makes a mental note to make sure she brings gloves next time, has no doubt that this is what her Saturday mornings will look like from now on, doesn't think for a second that Serena will swap her warm comfortable Saturday mornings for this cold. She groans slightly when the picture she receives in return is of Serena's hands wrapped round a take out coffee cup, clenches her thighs together when it's followed by  _don't worry soldier, you'll be rewarded for braving the elements later,_ has a few ideas of what her wife might have planned but knows for certain that the brunette is always good to her word, always gives rewards where she feels they are deserved. 

Ellie hits the ice a few more times, once bending her wrist in such a direction that Bernie is sure it will be at least sprained, but each time jumps back up and attacks what she is being asked with a renewed vigor. Her old spinal injury ignored, Bernie knows that she wouldn't be getting up at all, add her dodgy back into the mix and she would be being carried off the ice on a stretcher and stiff for days, she remembers when she was young enough to throw herself around a hockey field then around a war zone and not even think about the bumps and bruises she picked up along the way, is glad that she can, at the very least, still run when the feeling takes her. 

* * *

 

She feels like she's frozen solid by the time Ellie comes bounding off the ice, a grin spread wide across her face, Bernie knows immediately that figure skating is going to become her daughters latest obsession, that they are all going to be tortured with every video clip, book and piece of information Ellie can find on the sport, her addictive personality ensuring that she will be fixated on the subject for as long as it still holds its sparkle, after that Bernie knows that the ice skates they will no doubt be expected to fork out for, will join the rest of the detritus collected from all of the hobbies their youngest has worked her way through.

"Enjoy yourself?" she asks with a smile when the blonde drops herself down beside her, hands her a bottle of water from the bag by her feet.

"Yeah," Ellie grins, "Thanks mumma,"

"You're welcome darling, why don't you go and change into your dry clothes then we'll go for a hot chocolate to warm up before we drive home?"

"Ok," Ellie bounces back out of her seat and kisses Bernie on the cheek before bounding off to the changing room, leaving Bernie to gather together her things.

"Are you sure she's never done that before?" the voice draws Bernie's eyes up from where her bag is resting on the floor by her feet to where the teacher is stood in front of her, she's slipped off her boots, lost some of her height but she still cuts an impressive figure but Bernie supposes skating every day, even if she's just teaching, might have something to do with it.

"Aside from a handful of times on one of those pop up rinks at Christmas this is her first time, she's danced from being four though," it's the only hobby that has stuck for longer than a year,

"Well she's a natural,"

"She certainly looked like she was enjoying herself," Bernie smiles, "I suppose I'll get used to her hitting the floor."

"And as she gets better those instances will decrease dramatically," the women sits in the plastic chair below Bernie, folds herself up so she's facing the blonde and Bernie takes a fair amount of time trying to work out where she has twisted her limbs to get into that position, "Figure skating doesn't come without its risks and injuries though," she adds, "When we start doing more than just skating, start trying jumps and spins, well, the chances of something needing medical attention increase and even once she's got the hang of it, there's still a chance of breaks, sprains, this came from my partners blades not landing in the right place." she rolls the sleeve of her black fleece up and shows Bernie a wide scar that stretches from wrist to almost elbow in an arch, Bernie can see that it has been treated effectively, that it will heal away to almost nothing given time, "It doesn't matter how careful we are, accidents happen sometimes, but I'll do my best to teach Ellie all of the ways I know to land safely even when she falls and to avoid other skaters blades to limit the chances as much as possible."

"My partner and I are surgeons, we know all about accidents," Bernie shrugs, "Having watched you with her and having read your reviews, I trust you with her safety."

"He didn't fancy coming along to watch too? I know the cold puts people off sometimes."

"She has taken our other two to their respective Saturday activities, she's sitting watching our daughter play piano with a latte as we speak." Bernie chuckles, isn't even bothered by the assumption, has gotten more than used to it over the years,

"Oh shit, I'm sorry, I should know better than to assume, I'd go crazy if anyone did the same thing to me."

"You get used to it," Bernie offers with a shrug, "You shouldn't have to but you do, Serena, my wife, will think its hilarious that you thought I had a husband, she's always been of the opinion that I wear my sexuality on my sleeve!"

"Now you've mentioned it," the younger woman blushes, looks away and Bernie can't for the life of her work out what has got her so embarrassed, gets distracted by Ellie coming back from the changing room back in her jeans and jumper.

"Ready to go?" she asks as Ellie plonks herself down beside her,

"Yeah, can we get hot chocolate and a toastie?"

"Oh, I think we can manage that," Bernie pushes to her feet, tries not to wince when her back protests at being sat for so long in the cold and on an unyielding seat, "Thanks Vicky, I don't think I need to ask this one if we'll be back next week!"

 

"I recommend gloves and a thermos of coffee," Vicky offers, unfolds herself from her seat and reaches to shake Bernie's hand, "Or talking your wife into doing this trip next week."

"Mum won't do it, no way," Ellie laughs and Bernie slings an arm round her shoulder, tries not to think about that fact she is getting so tall, "Thanks Vicky, I really enjoyed today."

"You're welcome," Vicky pats her shoulder and Ellie beams, "I'll see you next week ok? And Bernie, if you or your wife have any questions or worries you have my contact information." 

* * *

 

Ellie doesn't stop talking about how amazing the lesson was, how much she enjoyed it, all the way through their lunch and Bernie is glad that she falls asleep half an hour after she starts driving home. It’s not that she doesn’t enjoy hearing how much her little girl enjoyed herself, she lives to hear all of her kids happy and content in what they are doing, but she knows she will have to listen to the same blow by blow account when they get home and she has Serena as an audience and she was there, she knows how it went!

Her phone rings when they are about twenty miles from home and she nudges Ellie to check the caller ID and pick it up when she say’s it’s Serena.

“Mum wants to know how long we’ll be,” she says, pulling the phone away from her ear and blinking sleepily at Bernie,

“Half an hour tops,” Bernie says as she checks the time, it’s already nearly two and she knows Serena wanted the five of them to do something together before Ellie goes off to her sleepover and Charlotte goes to stay with Adrienne for the night. She keeps her eye on the road and her ear on the conversation as she weaves her way through the afternoon traffic, chuckles when Ellie starts telling her wife all about her first lesson, at least once they get home the story will be over and they can get on with the rest of their day.

Ellie doesn’t hang up the phone until Bernie is pulling into the drive, bounds out of the car and into the house before she has even switched the engine off. Bernie looks up from locking the car to find Serena leant in the doorway, a gentle smile on her face.

“Ok?” she asks when Bernie is closer, presses up onto her toes to kiss her wife gently on the doorstep before leading the way into the house,

“I’ve just about managed to get the feeling back in all of my extremities,” Bernie chuckles, loops her arms around the shorter woman’s waist and tugs her back to her front, presses a kiss to the back of her head, “I’ll take gloves next week.”

“She enjoyed it though?”

“Loved it,” Bernie agrees, “And the teacher thinks she’s a natural, which means my back is going to have to get used to those chairs and the cold.”

“Promise I’ll fix you later,” Serena murmurs, spins in Bernie’s embrace and smiles up at her, “I thought we could all curl up on the sofa and watch a movie? I think all of the kids are too tired to do much else, Cam is practically asleep on his feet,”

“Sounds good,” she leans down to kiss her wife again, lingers slightly, “Let me go change and I’ll bring the blankets down.”

* * *

 

By the time they’ve dropped Ellie off at her friends, had tea with the other two and dropped Charlotte off with Adrienne for the night Bernie can barely move, her back having well and truly seized up, a mixture of sitting in the cold for so long and the way she’d fallen asleep on the sofa that afternoon. She tries not to wince as she lowers herself onto the sofa beside Serena, fails miserably, and Serena turns to look at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Ok?” she asks, rubs her hand lightly over the small of Bernie’s back as she settles into her seat, “Are you in pain?”

“A little,” Bernie shrugs, never wants to make a fuss, always feel she needs to just keep shut and get on with it, “It’ll pass.”

“Score it for me,” Serena prompts and Bernie rolls her eyes, all she receives in response is a raised eyebrow and relents,

“Three or four,” she tries, it’s a lie by two, maybe three  points but she doesn’t want Serena to worry, doesn’t  want her to feel like she has to offer the massage Bernie knows will help when she has just sat down after feeding them all and helping with the clean up.

“Berenice,” Serena chides and not for the first time Bernie wishes she wasn’t so easy to read sometimes, “Try again.”

“Seven,” she sighs, isn’t surprised when Serena pushes to her feet and holds out a hand to help Bernie back to her feet

“Come on soldier, lets get you some pain killers and then see what we can do.”

 

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lou on twitter asked for something around remembrance and a parade with Bernie in her uniform and Serena being proud. This is...half that...
> 
> It started off as that but then, I think Serena turned into all of us in the face of Bernie Wolfe in uniform...maybe.
> 
> Look, I never said I was great at totally fulfilling prompts yeah!
> 
> That said, people keep telling me that it's nearly christmas so throw your Forever Kind of Love AU Christmas prompts at me and I'll try not to turn them all into totally unrelated smut!

It's a surprise when her old commanding officer gets in touch years after she has left the army and asks her to lay her units wreath at the cenotaph for the upcoming Remembrance Day. When she queries the decision he admits that most of the units active members are serving overseas, those who aren't doing so because they aren't fit to, but he tells her that she is the first person who came to mind. She doesn't even think about saying no.

She has a week so she gets her parade uniform dry cleaned despite the fact it was clean when it was put away in it's garment bag the last time. She spends an hour one afternoon polishing her boots up to parade standard at the kitchen table. The medals are the last thing to be added, taken reverently from their boxes the night before and pinned onto the breast of her jacket, each one polished to perfection.

“I'm sorry I can't make it,” Serena says, slides up behind her and wraps her arms around her waist, rests her chin on her shoulder.

“It's ok,” Bernie leans back into the touch, runs her fingers gently over each medal, the bitterness, the sadness she used to feel when forced to remember the reasons why she had to leave the army no longer bothers her and all she has are good memories, proud memories. “One of us needs to work,”

“Ellie says she wants to go with you though,”

“Really?” Bernie spins in her wife's embrace, can't hide the surprise on her face, Ellie has wanted to do less and less with her parents recently, stating that they are too uncool and Bernie would have imagined that going to a Remembrance Day parade would be the uncoolest thing of all.

“Really,” Serena smiles, presses up onto her toes and kisses her lightly, “You're her mumma and you are her hero.”

* * *

 

Things get a bit manic the morning of and for a change it's not really Bernie's fault. She set her alarm early enough to get showered before Serena gets up for work so she doesn't get in her wife's way which would have meant that there should have been no major problems except she never counted on Serena breaking character. Serena who never gets up before her own alarm goes off even if Bernie's is only set half an hour earlier pings awake the minute Bernie's alarm goes off and insists they share a shower. That in itself isn't a huge problem, or it doesn't need to be except Serena can't seem to keep her hands to herself.

“Darling,” she sighs when she has to bat away the brunettes wandering hands hands for the third time, opting to grab both of her wrists in one hand when it's clear she isn't going to stop, tries to ignore the way the other woman's eyes darken at the move, “What's gotten into you this morning?”

“You know what the uniform does to me,” Serena grumbles, buries her face in Bernie's neck and the blonde chuckles, presses a kiss against the top of her head.

“I'm not even in it yet and I never will be unless you let me wash my hair. If I let go do you think you can keep your hands to yourself?” she says and Serena nods against her shoulder, Bernie kisses her head again the squeezes her wrists much tighter before letting them go. “Tonight,” she murmurs, smirks at Serena's groan as she sets about washing her hair.

Of course Serena's hands don't stay anywhere near an appropriate place for long and its nearly forty minutes before Bernie gets herself out of the shower, kicks Serena out of the bathroom and locks the door behind her, knows it's the only way she'll manage to be ready on time now. Getting her hair into a smooth bun is more of a chore than she remembers and she's glad Serena thought to buy her some hair grips otherwise she'd have some real problems but it still takes her a while to wrestle her hair up, her fringe smooth against her forehead.

When she steps out of the bathroom, her dark green t-shirt tucked into her fatigues ready for her shirt to be buttoned over the top of it she watches Serena's hands pause in doing up her own slacks and her eyes darken.

“Mind out of the gutter Mrs Wolfe,” she chuckles as she shrugs on her shirt and buttons it efficiently and tucks it into her trousers. Her wife's fascination with her uniform has always been something that confused her given that as far as she was concerned it was _just_ a uniform but she had never once complained about reaping the benefits, they were always deeply, deeply satisfying. “And don't pout,' she smirks doing up her belt, “It's very unbecoming of a woman of your age.”

“You're such a tease,” Serena sighs and Bernie rounds the bed in a few long strides, cradles her head between her hands and leans down to kiss her, light and lingering.

“I'm just getting ready, it's not my fault you have a filthy mind. Now I need to be going, I'll finish getting ready downstairs to save you the distraction and I'll see you tonight, remember Ellie is staying at a friends, I'm dropping her off after the parade, we'll have the whole house to ourselves.”

“God Bernie,” Serena surges forwards, brings their mouths together, grips at Bernie's lapels and kisses her long and deep, “Now go,” she says huskily when they break apart, pushes distance between them with her grip on the blonde's shirt, “I'll see you tonight and I'm proud of you.”

* * *

 

Ellie surprises Bernie by being more enthusiastic about the whole day than she has been about anything to do with her parents in months, asks questions in the car the whole way into town, wants to know about Bernie's medals, what she did to get them, questions she hasn't asked for so long that she can no longer remember the answers she was given as a young child, she insists on a selfie too, presses her cheek against her mumma's and grins and Bernie grins too, wide and pure, her grin widening when she realises that Ellie immediately changes her background on her phone and than sets about uploading it to her instagram. She feels full with her daughters pride in her, thinks it will get her through the next several weeks when she goes back to being uncool, when she is accused yet again of sucking the fun out of everything, of ruining her teenagers life.

It's a funny sort of day but she's used to it now, has served or been ex army for more Remembrance Days by now than she lived through before her service. The atmosphere is unsurprisingly somber, the weight of the losses experienced by most of the people their evident in every move. Bernie herself has lost count of all of the people she has lost, both in active service and since she was medically discharged from active service, colleges and civilians alike who crossed her table out in the desert their bodies blown apart far beyond her considerable skills, fellow soldiers who kept fighting after she couldn't, lost to roadside bombs, to enemy fire. Ellie is a constant by her side, is respectful and quiet when it is needed, is charming and engaged in the face of Bernie's ex superior officer, squeals when she sees Lieutenant Douglas and allows herself to be swept up into his arms for a bear hug, even lets him ruffle her hair and wax lyrical about how much she has grown since he last saw her (it's only been four months).

She manages to lay the wreath without stumbling, something she is terrified of every time she has to do something out in the open when she is under scrutiny, salutes crisply at the cenotaph before marching back to her place beside her daughter. Later she'll discover that Ellie took the opportunity to snap a picture, will chastise her for it but will again glow with pride regardless when she finds out that she made it onto her daughters social media twice in one day. It shouldn't mean much but when its been months and months of being uncool, of being the last person her youngest wants to spend time with, it feels like a small victory.

“Can we go for a hot chocolate before you drop me at Becky's?” Ellie asks when they are heading back to the car once it's all over and Bernie has spoken to all of the people she spotted who she knew, men and women who had served with her as well as the wives of a few of the men she served with, their husbands either still posted or lost to the war, she feels emotionally exhausted but wont pass up the chance of spending time with Ellie when it is being so easily offered.

“Of course, I'll pop home and change then we can do whatever you want.”

“No, you're ok,” Ellie shrugs, doesn't shrug off Bernie's arm when she drops it around her shoulder and squeezes. “You don't need to worry about changing.”

“Sure?” Bernie asks, is sure that her daughter has been body snatched, “Because I don't mind.”

“Sure.” Ellie grins, pokes Bernie in the side then mutter, “Love you mumma.”

* * *

 

By the time they've had a drink and Ellie has pointed out a pair of trainers she would _really like for christmas mumma_ (she might have known their would be an ulterior motive) and she's dropped her daughter off for her sleepover it's almost time for Serena to finish work and she is closer to the hospital than she is to home, decides she might as well surprise her wife at work than head home and get through the door minutes before her. She pulls into her designated parking space beside Serena's car and climbs out, she's still in full fatigues but she's taken off the beret, tucked it into the top pocket of her shirt and stowed the medals away in the glove box.

She stops at Pulses and picks up tea for them both and then heads up to the ward, chuckles when Fletch snaps to attention the minute she steps through the doors onto the ward.

“At ease Nurse Fletcher, before you snap something,” she says, pats him on the shoulder as she passes the nurses station, “Boss in her office?”

“She is and now I understand why she's been so distracted all day,” he laughs and Bernie shoots him a mock glare, pauses at the office door and smirks,

“Remember Fletch, this uniform means I'm trained to kill a man, clear.”

“Crystal,” he chuckles, then turns serious, “Its been a busy day, she'll be glad for the lift home.”

“Noted.” she nods then slips into the office silently and closes the door behind her.

“This had better be an emergency Fletch because my explicit instruction was that I wasn't to be disturbed until home time.” Serena says without looking up from the paper work spread out across the desk, it looks like a bottle of Shiraz night to her.

“I brought tea,” Bernie tries, grins and wiggles the cups in her hands when her wife looks up.

“Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes,” Serena smiles, drops her pen and sags back in her seat,

“Can't work out if you're talking to me or the tea,” she chuckles, moves to perch on the edge of Serena's desk and hands her the paper cup,

“I'm not sure either,” Serena winks, takes a long drink and sighs, relaxes totally, grasps Bernie's hand where it is resting against her thigh, tugs until she gets the hint and moves to sit in her lap, “Hello soldier.”

“Behave,” Bernie laughs, kisses the brunette chastely, “Fletch said it's been busy.”

“Mhm, it's going to take me days to clear the back log of paperwork. But I'm assuming you've come to take me home?” the hopeful look in Serena's eyes softens Bernie and she strokes her cheek.

“Of course, come on Mrs Wolfe.”

The drive home is mostly quiet, Serena gets what she needs for her car and throws it in the back of Bernie's and then flops into the passenger seat, twists so she can watch Bernie as she drives, reaches out to smooth the wisps of hair starting to escape from her bun back against her head.

“There were certain promises made this morning...”

“I don't remember promising,” Bernie smirks, takes her eye off the road for a minute to watch her wife pout, “But I could be persuaded.”

“Now that sounds like a fun challenge,” Serena purrs, lets her fingers trail from the blonde's hair to her neck, tickling the nape where she knows Bernie is particularly sensitive.

“Without making me crash the car,” Berne suggests though she arches automatically in the touch, feels the goosebumps erupt from the point of contact and track down her spine, “Which means hands to yourself McKinnie.”

“Well then I guess I'll have to tell me all about what has gotten me through the day.” she murmurs, shifts slightly in her seat, makes a show of unbuttoning the top few buttons on her shirt, stroking her fingers across the newly exposed skin, “About how I want you to pin me up against the wall by my wrists and fuck me till I can't stand in your full uniform. How I'd drop to my knees and make you cum with just my mouth.” Bernie groans, screws her eyes closed then thinks better of it, snaps them open and keeps them firmly on the road, knows that if she looks at her wife will be at least smirking, at the very most her hand will have slipped further into her shirt. It's a good job they are nearly home because she's not sure she can make it much further. It's also a good job they have the house to themselves.

“This what you were thinking?” Bernie asks, the minute she's kicked the door closed behind her, takes both of Serena's hands in one of her own and wrenches them above the brunette's head, pins her in place with the one point of contact. Later in bed, when they've both got this out of their system, she will rub Serena's wrists where they are read, maybe a little bruised, massage her shoulders stiff from the awkward position but for now she continues, will stop only if Serena asks her to, knows that this is exactly what her wife has wanted since their shower that morning. Serena's only response is a whimper and Bernie smirks, crowds her personal space without getting close enough to touch. Serena has opened her own shirt just enough that Bernie can trail her lips and tongue across her collar bones, down to the dip between her breasts, finds herself impatient for more and uses her free hand to tug one side, bra and all, to bare more skin to the world, watches her wife's nipple pebble at the attention and the cold before taking it in her mouth.

“Bernie,” Serena moans and it's filthy and wanton and shoots right between the blondes legs, she wonders if maybe this is what she has wanted since their shower too but it has taken the action for her to realise. “Don't tease me, please.”

“No, you've been teasing your self all day haven't you.” she says and her voice is husky, almost unrecognisable to her own ears and she trails her mouth back up, takes Serena's ear lobe between her teeth, “I bet you're practically dripping already.”

She doesn't wait for a reply, isn't sure that the other woman would even be able to give her one, trails her whole hand down Serena's body, with just enough pressure that it sits on the border between pleasure and pain, unfastens the buttons on her slacks with a flick of her wrist, slips her hand straight inside. She isn't wrong, her wife is soaked and she groans into her neck at the feel of her warm and wanting beneath her fingers, nips at the skin of her throat with her teeth and then laves over it with her tongue, doesn't hesitate in slipping first one, then two fingers into her, sets up a slow steady rhythm. As her fingers move she allows herself to take in the vision before her, Serena pinned to the wall by the two points of contact, her eyes hooded, her skin flushed, Bernie wishes she could take a photograph, never wants to forget this for as long as she lives.

“You're a goddess,” she murmurs and Serena fixes her eyes on her though her gaze is unfocused and glassy, “I wish you could see yourself right now darling, you'd get off on it, I know you would.” it's not often that Bernie is vocal during sex but her uniform makes her feel powerful and she can't seem to keep her mouth shut.

“Bernie,” Serena groans and she can tell by the tone of the brunette's voice that she's close, crooks her fingers just so, feels the first shudders of her wife's orgasm and captures her lips in a fierce kiss, puts strength behind her thrusts and squeezes Serena's wrists, pressing them into the wall, tears her mouth away to press their foreheads together, meets her wife's dark gaze with her own heated one,

“That's it my love, cum for me.” it's all it takes, Serena's eyes screw shut, her whole body goes taught and she knocks her head back against the wall, fighting against the restraint for the first time as she arches, moans long and low and filthy as Bernie eases her through it, only stops her movements when Serena goes completely still, makes a show of removing her fingers, sliding them into her mouth just as the brunette's eyes flutter open, finds herself quickly pinned against the opposite wall, Serena's tongue sweeping into her mouth, chasing the taste of herself on the blonde's tongue. As soon as her mouth has been thoroughly kissed Serena slides gracefully to her knees, undoes Bernie's belt with the steady hands of a surgeon, looks up at her, her eyes still dark and grins, wide and ferral.

“You got off on that didn't you?” she rumbles, slowly lowers Bernie's trousers down her legs until they pool around her ankles, kept in place by her boots, then skims her hands back up over the blonde's bare legs until they rake over her backside and Bernie groans, tangles her fingers in Serena's hair and pulls receives a wicked grin in response, “Patience soldier, did they teach you nothing in the army?” Despite her protestations Serena leans in and presses an open mouthed kiss against Bernie's underwear, presses and face into it and inhales, groans at the proof of her wife's arousal. “Oh dear, you did enjoy that didn't you, now what am I going to do with you...”

 


	25. Bernie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a kissy fic prompts whatsit on tumblr and Bluerbeetle asked for number 13 - stomach kisses. This is what happened and I'm honestly not mad about it!

Bernie thinks she has loved Serena since the moment she first laid eyes on her, has certainly been attracted to her since that very first moment, imagined and then didn't have to imagine what the brunette hid beneath her clothes. For as long as she could remember she'd had a fascination with Serena's stomach, if she thought about it properly she would realise that maybe she was just a stomach kind of girls, that she had enjoyed worshipping the stomachs of the two sexual partners she had had before she fell in love and never looked back, but she didn't think about it, wondered when she did if it didn't make her a little bit weird.

When they first met Serena was slim, still a little sporty, but her stomach was soft and welcoming and Bernie had loved pressing her face into it breathing her in while her body settled since the first time she brought the brunette to orgasm with only her tongue. As they grew together Serena became uncomfortable in her skin, almost paranoid that Bernie would stop loving her because she had gained a little weight, a little roundness, a few stretch marks, that she had to hide herself away under layers of baggy clothes, getting changed in the bathroom behind a closed door, keeping the light off if they went to bed. All it means is that Bernie makes sure to pay tender attention to her still favourite part of her love, pressing tender kisses against the skin, trailing her fingers along scars and stretch marks as she tells her how much she loves her, how beautiful she is.

Then Serena gets pregnant, hates herself even more the fist time with Cam and all Bernie can do is reassure her over patchy phone lines and even more patchy video calls, tell her she loves her, that she's beautiful that she'll be home with her soon. As far as she is concerned Serena has never been more beautiful that she is pregnant, but making her wife believe that is difficult, almost impossible. When she comes home, misses Cameron's birth by two months she takes one look at her wife and knows that she still doesn't feel comfortable in her own skin, still hates herself enough to hide herself away, to make deprecating comments about herself so Bernie sets to work, makes a point of slathering her wife's stomach in expensive creams she's bought to try and diminish them even while telling her that she loves her with her tiger stripes, the signs of what her body has been through, how strong it has been. By the time she has to leave again, not long after Cam's first birthday, she thinks that Serena is maybe a little better, has certainly started undressing in front of her again, doesn't request the light go off when they are having sex, but that doesn't mean Bernie tells her any less how much she loves all of her, how beautiful she thinks she is.

Charlotte is a surprise but Bernie arrives home just as her wife is beginning to show, her belly beginning to swell and grow with their little girl and she thinks it might be the most wonderful thing she has ever witnessed. She missed it with Cam, makes up for it with Charlotte. She makes Serena giggle by pressing kisses to her stomach at every available opportunity, lying with her head in the brunette's lap alternating between whispering words to their unborn daughter and pressing kisses to the skin, picks up the habit of rubbing cream into the stretching flesh and finds that Serena particularly likes when she runs her lips and tongue over her growing belly when her fingers are buried between her thighs.

With Ellie, Serena is much further along when Bernie gets home, her stomach huge and round and Bernie finds a new game, chases the footprint and handprints, the obvious kicks and nudges, with fluttering kisses, makes her wife laugh even when she is two weeks past her due date and desperate to give birth if only so she can bend over and pick one of the kids toys from the floor.

Serena will never have the perfect figure she thinks she should have, she thinks Bernie will love the most, never gets close to the coveted abs even when she's at her slimmest but Bernie couldn't care less, wouldn't change her for the world because to her, Serena's stomach is a road map of experience, of life, of pain of strength and each and every time she presses her lips to that skin, blows raspberries against her belly button, trails her tongue over it on her way further south she is reminded of everything Serena has been through in her life, everything she has given her and she loves her that little bit more

 

 


	26. Serena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is another kissy prompt from tumblr, help-im-a-medstudent asked for the same stomach kisses prompt and I'd already written how Bernie feels about Serena's stomach, I figured turn about was fair play!

Bernie has the body of a goddess, or at least that is what Serena thinks the first time they meet, the first time she gets her naked. She's been with men who were athletic, who had muscle underneath a layer of hair that she didn't know she didn't like until she shared a bed with a woman, with Bernie and realised how much nicer it was to trail her fingers over smooth, hair free skin.

Bernie has a body that Serena could only dream of having herself, tall and lean and with a abs to die for. Serena's hands itch to touch it the minute Bernie pulls her tshirt over her head and she knows that although she's a little bit drunk and a lot horny, the image of the blonde stood before her in nothing but jeans, her breasts pert her stomach taught, will be burnt into her brain for the rest of her life.

If possible it gets better when Bernie joins the army and starts going through basic training, is spending a couple of hours every day outside on cardio, another few hours in the gym lifting weights. The first time Serena comes back from America to visit, after Bernie has been training for five months. The blonde picks her up from the airport and she barely recognises her, thinner, blonder, more tanned but no less beautiful.

Later, when Bernie stands before her and tugs her tank top over her head, looks down at her in jeans and a sports bra Serena growls, there's no tan line and what was once a wash board stomach with a little give is now solid with perfectly defined abs and obliques that practically make her mouth water. Without thinking she tugs the blonde closer by the hips, presses her face into the skin, enjoys the warmth against her cheek and then begins to pepper the surface with kisses, is only encouraged to continue when Bernie tangles her fingers in her hair, tugs her face impossibly closer.

It doesn't matter that they get older, that Bernie leaves the army, works out less, eats more, she remains long and lean, the envy of many women her age and her stomach remains flat. Serena loves every inch of her, the scar that bisects her chest, the freckle under her left breast that is a little ticklish if she flicks her tongue over it just so, every mark, every scar. She doesn't believe for one minute that there will ever be a day that she doesn't relish her wife's body with all of it's battle scars, doesn't think she'll ever get bored of Bernie taking off her shirt, of pulling her closer by her belt hoops or her hips or the front of her sweats and pressing kisses to that skin before trailing up or down or simply staying where she is for a little while.

 


	27. You're Just My Type

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a group chat about what our 'types' were. I couldn't get it to come out of my brain the way I wanted it to and I'm not totally happy with it but you guys deserve something cheerful before I write any more angst!

Serena smiled slightly as she watched her wife’s eye get caught by a pretty brunette jogging across the street. She was a little younger than Serena, a little thinner, but in all the ways that counted they were very much a match.

“What?” Bernie asks, turning round when Serena gives a chuckle, fixing her with a look over the top of her sunglasses before she moves her eyes back to where she is walking, “What’s funny?”

“I just still can’t believe that you don’t think you have a type,” Serena shrugs, squeezes the hand in hers before letting go to rummage in her bag for her house key.

“I don’t have a type,” Bernie looks indignant and Serena chuckles again, pats her cheek lightly on the way past into the flat and starts to shrug off her coat, “What’s brought this conversation around again anyway?”

“The wandering eyes on the way up the street,” Serena throws over her shoulder as she wanders into the kitchen to flick the kettle on, “And don’t get defensive before you even start, you’re human and you’re allowed to look.”

“I still don’t understand how that means I have a type,” Bernie pouts, leans in the kitchen doorway, her sunglasses pushed onto her head, her arms folded over her stomach.

“What did you notice about her?” Serena pushes, this is a much loved conversation of hers, she’s always loved to tease her wife about the simple things she misses, the social cues that she is so dense about.

“She was brunette, shorter than me a guess, I don’t know, I don’t really remember her.”

“She looked like me when we first met, that to me suggests you have a type,”

“Well I guess that means you’re my type,” Bernie shrugs, moves towards Serena pinning her lightly against the bench with a smirk “But that begs the question Mrs Wolfe, what’s your type? Because to my knowledge everyone you dated before me was completely different.”

“You’re my type, obviously,” Serena shrugs, the blonde is right, all of her partners before Bernie had been different, tall, short, blonde, brunette, one red head male and female, they’d all be completely different but when she met Bernie she knew that she was the one, that if she had a ‘type’ Bernie was hers.

“No, come on McKinnie,” Bernie nudges, “What makes me your type?”

“Well,” Serena purrs, a glint in her eye because this, this is something she can do and something she can make sure they both enjoy. “You’re taller than me,” she starts, moves her hands to her wife’s shoulders and strokes down her arms, squeezes lightly at her biceps, “You’re athletic and strong, I can curl into you and feel safe, protected, but you also have the strength to pin my arms above my head, to dominate me in a way I didn’t know I enjoyed until I met you, until that first time you pinned me down and took exactly what you wanted from me.” She shifts her eyes from watching where they move over Bernie’s arms and meets the blondes eye, eyes that have already darkened lightly at her word. “Then there’s your hands,” she continues, slides her hands all the way to Bernie’s wrists, tugs her hands until she has them cradled in her own, until she can trace the long fingers, “A little bigger than mine long, capable fingers, a little rough and worn, surgeons hands, soldiers hands. Hands that can build me up and break me apart only to build me back up again hands that can soothe, hands that can set me on edge in the best possible way”

“God Serena,” Bernie groans and Serena’s smirk deepens,

“Want me to stop?” She purrs, presses their bodies together and squeezes the fingers in her own, “Or do you want to hear what else?”

“Keep going,” Bernie murmurs, “Please,”

“Want to hear about your hair?” Serene whispered against her ear, moves one hand to tangle in the blonde waves and tug, “About how it’s the perfect length to tangle my fingers in and tug so I can keep you exactly where I want you.” She illustrates her point by tugging on the strands wrapped around her fingers, tilting the blondes head back so she can trail her lips over her neck and jaw, “Then there’s your jaw,” she murmurs against the skin, peppers it with kisses and nips, “So strong, so defined, so beautiful. Then there’s all the traits you have,” she trails back down the other woman’s neck, Bernie is moaning out every other breath, her hands have slid around Serena’s waist, up the back of her shirt, her nails digging half moons into the brunette’s skin, “You’re kind and you’re funny,” she murmurs, her lips moving further as she noses Bernie’s shirt apart, “And you laugh at my awful jokes,”

“They aren’t awful,” Bernie chuckles, yelps when Serena nips at her collar bone with sharp teeth, “OK, a few of them are funny,” nip, “OK, OK, you just aren’t that funny darling.”

“Good girl,” Serena laughs, soothes the bites with her tongue, “Don’t make me take your honesty of my list of positives.”

  
“So,” Bernie says later hen they are curled up on the sofa together, the fleece from the back tugged down over them to keep the chill from their cooling skin, “if I’m your type, what we’re all those others before we met about?”

“I don’t know,” Serena shrugs, trails her fingers over the tiny purplish bruise she has left on the blondes collar bone, “Experiments, a way to work out what I like,” she rubs her nose against her wife’s kisses the corner of her mouth, “But it turns out what I liked was you, just you.”

“Just me huh?”

“Don’t be smug Berenice, but yes, just you.”


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly this comes with a massive trigger warning for talk of miscarriages, depression and infertility. I'd have this in big flashing lights if I could because it's so important to me that I don't trigger anyone.
> 
> This came about because someone (I forget who) asked if Bernie had ever thought about carrying one of the children. It's gone through several different ideas and has become an amalgam of two or three in a way that I never could have imagined. 
> 
> There's a whole load of you on Twitter who have cheered me through this, who have given me ideas and who have been totally supportive of the angst I'm about to drop on your heads.
> 
> I promise after this there will be some fluff and a fair bit of smut!
> 
> As usual thank you all for your support, comments and kudos and again, I'm sorry for the angst.

“Have you ever thought about having another baby?” Bernie asks one day totally out of the blue, they’ve only just got Ellie settled, their youngest cutting three teeth at the same time, and they are sprawled on the sofa, Bernie’s head in Serena’s lap, her fingers gently separating the tangled blonde strands.

“I have,” Serena shrugs, runs her index finger down the bridge of the blondes nose before bouncing it lightly off the end, “It’s the very last thought in my head after two nights of teething baby and hardly any sleep.”

“What about when everything is perfect, when you’ve had your full eight hours, all the kids are doing ok, when it’s a sunny day and we’ve spent it in the park as a family?” Bernie pushes, a twinkle in her eye that Serena recognises as one that has gotten her into trouble numerous times in the past, they’ve had a few days off together though with Ellie teething and Charlotte inexplicably grumpy they haven’t quite been the days off they hoped, but it seems, lying there that night, just the two of them, the house finally peaceful, Bernie is finally content.

“I think we’d need to move house,” Serena chuckles, tries to deflect how she’s really feeling, hide the truth because she knows if she’s honest she’ll wipe the smile straight off her wife’s face.

“No, honestly,” Bernie prompts and she thinks she should know better than to try and hide anything from the blonde, Bernie pushes herself up so they are facing each other, cups Serena’s cheek in her palm and maintains eye contact, “What’s on your mind?”

“Can we open a bottle of wine?” a glass of Shiraz is just what she needs after the last few days but mostly she needs the time it takes to open and pour to organise her thoughts.

“If that’s what you want,” Bernie nods, not that she’s surprised, Bernie would walk through fire if she asked her to has survived through worse to get back to them, she would never deny her a simple glass of wine, “I’ll go get yourself comfortable.”

When Bernie comes back, a glass of wine for Serena and a bottle of beer for herself the brunette has drifted towards the mantle piece where their family pictures are lined up amongst some trinkets from Bernie’s travels, Bernie silently hands the glass over and kisses her shoulder before returning to the sofa, gives Serena her space and she’s glad of it, glad of the time to breathe, the time to line up her thoughts, the fact that she doesn’t’t have to look at the hopeful look in the blondes eye, the one she knows she’s about to extinguish.

“Darling?” Bernie prompts after a while and Serena rubs her free hand over her face, turns to look at Bernie but stays glued where she is stood across the room, “We really don’t have to have this conversation if you don’t want to, it was just a passing thought I’ve had recently.”

“If it’s something you’re thinking about then it’s something we need to talk about.” She says gently, because as much as she hates that they aren’t going to agree on this, that it might cause a rift between them, if Bernie is thinking about it, and to mention it she must have thought about it more than once, it’s something they need to discuss sooner rather than later.

“OK,” Bernie nods, leans forwards and rests her elbows on her knees, steeples her fingers under her chin, she looks worried and Serena hates it, moves so she’s perched on the edge of the coffee table, reaches to brush her fingers over the blonde’s wrist, “Be honest, but be gentle?”

“Oh Bernie,” Serena sighs, takes hold of her hands and pulls them into her lap, “I love you and I love our family and yes, I’ve thought about us having another baby, even more since you came home for good but the more I think about it, the more I just don’t think I could do it all again.”

“Oh,” Bernie looks like a kicked puppy and Serena swallows against the lump in her throat, “OK,”

“You going to let me explain?” Serena nudges, wants to explain because while it won’t change how she feels, how Bernie feels, at least the other woman will know why she feels the way she does.”

“You don’t need to, it’s ok.” Bernie slumps back in her seat, breaks the contact between them, tips her head up to the ceiling and swallows hard and Serena feels suddenly on the verge of tears, “I know you’ve had to do it alone with all three of the kids, I understand why you wouldn’t want to do that again.”

“Bernie look at me,” she says gently, waits until the blonde’s eyes meet hers before she continues, “will you let me finish, please?”

“Is it because…is it because I can’t?’ She murmurs, loses the fight with her tears and let’s out a sob, Serena is beside her in a second, folding her in her arms in an instant, her heart shattering at the memory, at the pain she still feels but she knows Bernie feels more.

“Oh god darling, no, god no,” she murmurs strokes her wife’s hair and rocks them slightly back and forth, it’s been a long time since they’ve talked about what happened the year after Cam was born, self preservation on both their parts she thinks.

She doesn’t think she’ll ever forget that night as long as she lives, knows she won’t forget what followed, how their family nearly feel irreparably apart in the space of 72 hours, how Bernie ran away to a war zone and stayed away for over a year came back different, harder, how much it took for her to break down the walls again.

After Cam was born Bernie had decided that she wanted to be the one to carry their next child, that she wanted to do it soon, it hadn’t been as easy as it was for Serena, had taken three attempts but the joy in Bernie’s face when she’d told her over a video call that she was pregnant had made it all worthwhile. She was back home within a fortnight, Serena had never imagined she would see her wife happy to be dropped down to desk duty but Bernie was willing to do anything she needed to to make sure their second child came into the world safe and healthy, it’s perhaps why what happened in the end was as heart breaking as it was.

That night would be one she would replay and what if for weeks and months afterwards. She’d been on the late shift at work and it had been a busy one. She’d managed to send a quick text to tell Bernie she loved her and make a quick call to her mother’s to make sure Cameron had settled OK on her break but she hadn’t stopped all evening, hadn’t been that surprised when the end of her shift came and she hadn’t heard anything from her wife, Bernie had been struggling with the tiredness for most of the pregnancy, not used to her energy levels being so low, but the last few days had been particularly bad and so, Cam had gone to stay with his grandmother and Serena had instructed her wife to do as little as possible, to sleep as much as she needed.

Later she will wonder if she hadn’t decided to stop and pick up a take away, if she’d got into her car and made the ten minute drive straight home instead of taking almost forty five if things could have been different but in the moment her only thought was that she wanted to treat her wife to something she knew she would enjoy while also saving herself the need to cook after a long shift. When she does eventually get home the place is in darkness, it’s silent when she pushes through the door, she’s a little surprised, had expected there to be at least a TV or radio playing somewhere, Bernie has never been comfortable with absolute silence, but there isn’t even a murmur. She’s the process of taking off coat and shoes when she hears the whimper, stops in her tracks and listens hard, doesn’t stop again until a full sixty seconds have gone by with no further noise, tells herself the silence is playing tricks on her and heads towards the kitchen with the take away bags and a bottle of sparkling water instead of their usual wine. It’s the scream that fully alerts her to the fact that something is wrong, has her dropping the bags where she stands and taking the stairs two at a time, ignores the smash of the water bottle as it hits the floor, she’s never heard Bernie make a sound like that in her life, she never wants to hear it again.

She finds Bernie on the bathroom floor, curled in on herself and sobbing in pain, her arms wrapped over e by that, just that morning, Serena had pressed a kiss to before she left for work, there’s blood too, Serena is aware of it as she kneels beside the blonde and it soaks into the knees of her trousers.

“Bernie darling, what’s happening?” She says gently, tries to keep her registrars mask in place, tries to keep an emotional distance so she can help Bernie the best she can, but her voice shakes a much as her hands and when Bernie’s eyes meet hers, blurry and terrified, she struggles to hold back her own tears because they are both doctors, they both know what is happening.

“The baby, I, it’s wrong, somethings wrong.” Bernie screws her eyes shut against more pain, curls even tighter in on herself and groans long and low, fresh tears squeezing from the corners of eyes that are screwed tightly shut, “My phone was downstairs, I couldn’t…”

“It’s ok, I’m here now,” she tries to soothe when in her head all she can think is that there’s nothing she can do, that if its what she knows deep down it is there’s no stopping it, no reversing it no matter how quickly the ambulance can get to them, “I’m going to call an ambulance but my phone is downstairs,”

“Please…”

“I know darling, I’ll be just a second try and keep your breathing even for me ok?” She runs, curses herself for not grabbing her phone when she took off her coat like she usually would. She’s out of breath by the time she gets through to the emergency services, tries to stay calm and practical while she relays what is happening, that her wife is 21 weeks pregnant, that she’s bleeding, that she’s very much experiencing labour pains.

It’s all a blur after that, all she can do I sit with Bernie, make her as comfortable as possible until the paramedics arrive. They deliver in the ambulance, Serena can’t look, tries to section herself off as much as possible from what’s going on, keeps her hand against Bernie’s cheek, her eyes on her face, even when her wife’s eyes are screwed shut in physical pain, in heartbreak.

Afterwards, after Bernie has been treated for the physical issue and given information for help with the mental backlash, after Serena has held their too little boy and Bernie has refused, after they’ve picked Cameron up from his grandmothers and gone home, after Serena has bitten back bile cleaning up the mess in the bathroom they fall into some kind of limbo. Bernie won’t speak, will barely look at Serena, has stopped interacting with Cam unless it’s completely necessary and Serena can feel the all too familiar darkness creeping in as she tries to deal with it all, process it all. She hadn’t cared about the gender of the child before, had just wanted Bernie and their baby to be healthy and happy, but the second she had known it was a little boy she’d seen all the possibilities, all of the things that Cam could have taught his baby brother. Before she knows it Bernie is telling her in whispered tones that she is leaving, that she has spoken to her superior officers and they have found somewhere that could use a world class trauma surgeon, she doesn’t even meet Serena’s eyes, spends the few days she has left at home staying on the sofa, separating herself even more for her family. And then Serena is alone with Cam to look after and her own grief to contend with along with the bone deep worry about not only Bernie’s physical safety but also her mental well being.

“Serena?” Bernie’s voice polls her to the present and she blinks the memories away, scrubs at her face, only then realises she is crying,

“Sorry,” she says, has to cough to clear her throat, blink a few times before Bernie’s face comes into really focus

“Don’t be,” Bernie shakes her head, pulls the brunette into a long embrace and they cling to each other, “I’m sorry for how I was then,” Bernie mumbles, “I’m sorry I ran away from what was happening.”

“We dealt with this then and we agreed no more apologies, that still stands ok” Serena pulls back and presses their foreheads together, cups Bernie’s cheek and offers her a weak smile, “Maybe we should take this conversation up to bed? Get comfortable.”

They split up to lock up the house, come together again to head up the stairs hand in hand and change in silence, brush their teeth and wash their faces side by side, curl up together under the duvet, Serena shifted so close that they end up sharing Bernie’s pillow.

“I have thought about another baby, now you’re home for good, now that you’d be here for it all.” She starts quietly, is pleased when Bernie takes her hand under the covers and squeezes lightly, “I’ve thought about it and I’m sure that it’s not what I want. I’m sorry darling.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Bernie offers gently, “It’s not fair of me to expect you to go through all of that again even if I am home now, it’s just something I’ve been thinking about, something I’d want to do if I. Well, if I could.”

“I know darling, God I know,” Serena soothes, nuzzles their noses together, “But honestly, there’s a part of me that is just being selfish,”

“Selfish?” Bernie frowns and Serena chuckles, brushes the crease from between her eyebrows with her thumb,

“Totally selfish,” she nods, “in wanting to have the time with your and our family that we’ve been missing all these years. Yes another baby would be loved just as much as its brother and sisters, yes it would be an adventure, different to what I’ve experienced in previous pregnancy, but I don’t want to start again from the beginning, I don’t want the morning sickness, the mood swings, I don’t even want ow incredibly horny I was with Charlotte.” She laughs and Bernie grins, “because I want the adventures, the family holidays, more camping with the kids, more dirty weekends with my wife. I want Saturday’s in the park, at the cinema, Cam’s football games and Charlie’s dance classes and also, well, I’m finally getting where I want to be at work and if we had another baby, if I got pregnant again, I would lose that. Selfish, aren’t I.”

“No you’re not,” Bernie shakes her head and Serena is relieved to see that she really does understand, “I get it, I’d just never really thought about it that way, I’d only thought about what I had missed not what I was gaining by being home”

“We would have to move house too,” Serena laughs, “And I do like our house.”

  
“If I could have a baby for us would this conversation be different?” They are lying in the dark, Serena just about to drift off to sleep and she rolls over, drapes an arm over her wife’s stomach, nuzzles into her neck.

“Maybe,” she murmurs, “But some of the facts still remain, the only thing that would be different would be that you were carrying, we’d still have to move house.”

“You really love this house don’t you?” Bernie snorts and Serena shifts even closer,

“Not as much as I love you and our family. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about that little boy that we lost,”

“Jacob,” Bernie whispers and Serena pushes herself up so she can look into her eyes, they are sad, she can see it even in the dark, but Bernie has a small smile on his face.

“Jacob?”

“It’s what I call him, when I think about him.”

“Well then, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about Jacob, about the things we could have taught him, the trouble he and Cam could have gotten into. But having a baby now, that wouldn’t change what happened, it wouldn’t change that we lost him before we could know him. I think we owe it to him to give his brother, his sisters the best life we can”

“Yeah,” Bernie sighs though the smile is still on her face, “I love you darling,”

“I love you too,” Serena settles back against her wife, her head pillowed on her shoulder, her hand resting on her stomach. “We all love you.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a follow on from the last one shot I posted so the same trigger warning apply though to a lesser degree, there is mention of depression, miscarriage and injury. 
> 
> I fully blame two individuals in particular for this, they know who they are and are pretty much responsible for throwing prompts and me and then encouraging me to write them. 
> 
> The request was ‘following Bernie’s miscarriage they talk about trying for another baby’ it took on a mind of its own and stretched out to almost 5000 words but I’m actually pleased with it. That said, this hasn’t been edited so any mistakes are mine and mine alone. 
> 
> Thank you as always for all of the support and as usual my tumblr ask box, twitter and comments box are always open for prompt ideas.

The Bernie who comes back from tour this time is one Serena doesn’t think she’s ever met, doesn’t think she wants to meet again. She’s lost weight, more than she would on a normal tour, she’s tanned to but the colouring does nothing to cover the dark rings under her eyes, the hollowness of her cheeks and if anything, she look ill. She barely looks at Serena in the airport, simply nods, her eyes skittering over the brunettes face as she adjusts her pack on her shoulder and keeps on walking. It’s not the home coming that either of them are used to, lacks the lingering hug, the kiss on the cheek, the murmured hello and Serena is glad it is a late flight, glad that Cam is staying with her mum for the night because if Bernie can’t look at her she has no idea how she might have interacted with their son.

  
The last ten and a half months haven’t been total radio silence but it’s been as close as Serena has allowed it to get and her heart had broken every time they’d hung up the phone and Cam had cried for his mumma, had asked in his own way why she was so sad. Conversation between them had been stilted and uncomfortable, Bernie saying as little as she could get away with, clamming up altogether whenever Serena asked her how she was, implored her to look after herself, to get home safe. Serena understood, she did, and she hadn’t found the last eleven months easy at all, she had lost weight, lost sleep but in the end Cam had needed his mummy and so she had gone to the doctors, started taking her fluoxitine again, had been in touch with a counsellor who came recommended though she still hadn’t decided if that was a direction she needed to go in. She’s been glad for their son because without him there’s no telling where she would be given her wife’s distance.

  
The drive home is uncomfortably silent, Serena fighting every urge to reach out and touch her wife, reassure her that she is home and safe for now. The silence is only broken when she asks if Bernie wants to stop and pick up a takeaway and the blonde replies in the negative, still doesn’t meet the brunette’s eye, doesn’t draw her gaze away from the world outside of the car. Again she’s glad that Cam isn’t home when Bernie dumps her pack by the door and takes straight for the stairs without a word, Serena lingers in the hall until she hears the shower start running, tries not to be bothered by the fact her wife hasn’t once asked where their son is. It’s clear that Bernie isn’t planning to speak to her any time soon so, with a sigh, she half drags the pack that’s been left in the hall towards the kitchen, thinks she might as well get a head start on the washing. She resists the pull of a glass of wine for the time it takes to half empty the bag, the floor around her piled with darks and lights. She’s glad of the alcohol when she pulls out the last item, one of Bernie’s white tank tops covered in blood, more gruesome brown/red than white, she has to steady herself against the bench because without being told she knows the blood belongs to Bernie.

  
It’s an hour before Bernie comes back down from her shower, her frame shrouded in baggy sweatpants, an oversized t-shirt and a hoody zipped up to her chin. She looks cold and Serena briefly considers that she should put the heating on for a little while to help her acclimatise back to British spring time but then thinks that Bernie isn’t a guest in this house, that if she can help herself to a beer from the fridge she can remember where the thermostat is if she wants it. Serena isn’t used to feeling this anger, this resentment when Bernie gets home, would usually spend days in a bubble of contentment because finally Bernie was home and safe but this Bernie isn’t the woman who left almost a year ago, heartbroken and running, she’s a woman Serena has never met, one she has no idea how to get through to.

* * *

  
The days that follow are hell on earth and Serena doesn’t think she’s ever felt so tense in her own home. Bernie only speaks when she needs to, winces every time Cam runs at her for a cuddle, climbs up onto her knee, tries to get her to interact with him in any way to the point where their little boy is disengaging too. She hasn’t touched Serena, not even in passing, not even by accident, can’t look at her even when they are speaking to each other, not that there’s ever really much in the way of actual conversation. Meal times are probably the worst, sat across the table from each other not speaking, Cam babbling in his highchair between them to fill the silence while Serena watches her wife push her food around her plate while eating very little. She doesn’t think Bernie is sleeping either, knows she isn’t coming to bed but has no idea what she is spending the nights doing but the guest room isn’t being used either. She’s at a loss, doesn’t want to cause a confrontation but doesn’t know how else to get through to her wife, can’t pretend that there isn’t a part of her that isn’t terrified that if they can’t fix this, this might be the end for them.

  
“You need to speak to her,” Sian says one night on the phone, Serena is upstairs, has not long settled Cam and is pottering around between nursery and bedroom, sorting out laundry, putting away toys, more out of a desire to avoid the tension that fills any room that she shares with the other woman than any real need for it to be done there and then. “Because darling, if you don’t try and work this out and she goes back into the field, this will tear you apart.”

  
“But the problem is, I don’t know what to say,” she sighs, sinks down into the arm chair in the corner of the nursery, one of Cam’s toys hugged against her chest, her heart breaks a little when she realises it’s the first bear that Bernie ever bought their son, one that arrived a week after Serena told her she was pregnant, the one that usually sat in the corner of his cot. “I understand that she’s hurting but this is killing me Sian and Cam just doesn’t understand, only knows his mumma wont hug him anymore.” The tears are no surprise, she’s been holding them in for days and she lets them fall unchecked, presses her face into the bears head and breathes, “I love her but I don’t know how to get through to her, I’m so scared that this might be it for us, that if I can’t fix this before she goes away again she might never come back. The worst is I have no idea what’s going through her head, I can’t read her anymore, the whole time I’ve known her she’s been an open book to me, but she’s different this time and I don’t know if she blames me, if she blames herself, if she thinks I blame her. She can’t even look at me Sian, it’s like she hates me.”

  
“I imagine she doesn’t quite know how she’s feeling either, lets face it she hasn’t dealt with this at all, she’s been running away from it for nearly a year and now she’s home she doesn’t know how to face up to it. One of you needs to start the conversation.”

  
“I don’t...I...she was injured when she was away, I found the clothes in the bottom of her bag but she never mentioned it, I have no idea what happened, I have no idea how bad it was but what if I’d lost her Sian, what if I’d lost her and this was still hanging between us.” She sounds desperate, feels desperate tries to get a handle on herself when Cam starts to snuffle in his crib.

  
“But that’s not what happened,” Sian soothes, “She’s home, she’s safe, but you need to fix this before she goes away again sweetheart, for your own mental health as well as hers.”

  
“Sian, I’m going to have to go, I’ve woken Cam up, I’m sorry for getting like this, I’ll talk to you later in the week ok?” she finishes her conversation quickly, scoops Cam up from his crib before his agitated snuffles turns to full blown cries.

  
“I’m sorry my little love,” she soothes, holds him close against her chest, wipes at her face with her spare hand, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  
“Mummy,” he mutters, takes her face in both of his pudgy hands and scowls, “Mummy sad?”  
“I’m ok darling,” she says gently, “Now you need to go back to sleep.”

  
“Mumma?”

  
“Your mumma is downstairs darling,”

  
“Mumma no love us?” his face was innocent, open, because he didn’t understand the weight of his question, how it pierced through Serena’s heart, highlighted all of her very worst fears.

  
“Mumma loves you very much sweetheart, very much indeed.”

  
“Mumma love mummy ‘ery much?” she chuckles to hide her sob, is glad her son isn’t old enough to read her tone and understand it,

  
“Yes darling, now come on, back to sleep we go.” I hope she still loves me she thinks, I hope she comes back to me.

* * *

  
  
It doesn’t take long to settle the boy again and when she does, once she’s laid him down, kissed his forehead, told him she loves him, she knows that she can’t avoid going downstairs any longer, if anything she feels like she needs a glass of wine.

  
“Night darling,” she murmurs, kisses his forehead one last time, “I know your mumma is in there somewhere, I just have to work out how to find her again, how to bring her home to us and I promise you I’m trying.”

  
She decides to change and get comfortable before she does anything, slips into her pj’s, pulls Bernie’s old training hoody over the top because even when things are so uncertain between them its still a comfort, especially when Bernie has been wearing it recently, keeping it at the back door to pull on when she needs a cigarette or three. One look in the mirror tells her the effect her tears have had so she steps into the bathroom, takes off the last of the mascara, the dark smudges under her eyes and splashes cold water on her face to try and soothe the redness, there’s no covering up that she’s been crying but she doesn’t remember the last time Bernie actually looked at her face so she doesn’t feel like she’s about to be found out.

  
She isn’t surprised to find that it’s quiet downstairs, when Cam is asleep or at nursery the house is silent these days and Serena tries not to let it make her feel uncomfortable, this is her home too after all. Bernie is sat in the kitchen when she wanders through in search of a glass of water, her face feels puffy from crying and she feels a little dehydrated, thinks the water is much more sensible than the glass of Shiraz that has been calling her name. The blonde is hunched over the kitchen table, her hair lank and falling forward to cover her face and Serena feels only a small amount of guilt for ignoring her for now, knows any attempt at talking to her would likely be ignored anyway.

  
“I’m sorry,” she’s just turning to put the water jug back into the fridge and thinks she might have imagined it if not for the sob that follows and she spins to look at her wife, her mind racing to work out what has changed in the last hour or so that means communication lines are open and the answer is there, plain as day, in Bernie’s white knuckle grip, the baby monitor fallen silent except for the odd snuffle from their son upstairs. “I didn’t...I don’t” Their eyes meet for the first time since Bernie came home, for the first time since long before she left if Serena is honest for herself, and stick and Serena can see everything that her wife is feeling, everything she is holding back, knows Bernie can see the same in her. The blondes face is pale, wet with her own tears and it brings the dark circles, the hollow cheeks into stark relief, paints a painful picture of how physically ill this is all making her.

  
“Oh darling,” now that it’s coming down to it, now that she’s actually being acknowledged, that Bernie is willing to speak, she can’t stay mad at her, can’t hold on to the anger that has been bubbling under the surface throughout this whole ordeal because her wife is hurting, is lost and she’s sure for the first time that she is the one to help her, “I’ve got you,” she murmurs, crosses the room in three long strides and folds Bernie in her arms, holds her tighter when the other woman grips the back of her hoody and sobs into her neck, allows herself to cry into the blonde waves beneath her cheek.

  
“I was sure you must hate me,” she says quietly when the worst of the sobs are over though she doesn’t let up her grip on Serena’s clothes and the brunette doesn’t loosen her hold either.

  
“Why, how could I?” Serena murmurs, pulls back enough that she can look her wife in the face, strokes her cheek, her finger tips coming away damp, “I don’t blame you for what happened darling.”

  
“But...”

  
“No Bernie, not but, there was nothing you did, nothing you could have done to change the outcome, I don’t blame you for it because it wasn’t your fault.”

  
“But if I’d had my phone with me that night...”

“The ambulance would have got there quicker, but darling, we’re both doctors, you know, deep down you know, that it wouldn’t have made any difference.” She doesn’t realise she’s crying until Bernie wipes at her face with her thumbs, cradles it in her hands, “But talking to me might have avoided everything that followed.” Bernie looks ashamed but Serena knows it needs to be said, knows they have to get it all out in the open in order to move on from it.

  
“I was so sure you hated me,” Bernie looks down at her hands, “And I didn’t feel like there was anything I could say that might change that so...”

  
“You ran,” Serena supplies, “You left your wife and your son and threw yourself into work and into danger and you tried to push us away, tried to make sure that I hated you, that I wouldn’t care what happened to you.”

  
“I...”

  
“It wasn’t a question and thank god it didn’t work. I love you Bernie you big idiot, there’s very little you could do to change that but I need you to come back to me, I don’t think either of us have the strength to do this for much longer.”

* * *

  
They talk for hours, talk through the issues, make plans to deal with them and then Serena starts to catch Bernie up on what she has missed while she has been gone, eleven months is a long time but with a son under the age of five it might as well be years and although Bernie has been able to observe some of the changes, the fact he’s walking with much more confidence, the fact that he’s talking much more but she wants to hear about them too and Serena is only too happy to tell her, to share the videos and the pictures.

  
It’s nearing midnight when the baby monitor springs to life with Cam’s whimpers and Serena frowns, it’s not often now that he wont sleep right through the night.

  
“Wait,” Bernie says when Serena goes to rise, puts a halting hand on her shoulder while she takes a deep breath, “I think. Can I go?”

  
“If you’re sure?” Serena wants nothing more than for mumma and son to regain the relationship they once shared but she also knows that the night has taken a lot out of Bernie already, doesn’t want her to push herself too far too fast.

  
“I am,” Bernie nods, leans down bravely to press a light kiss to Serena’s cheek, just shy of her mouth, before she disappears, Serena watches her go with a gentle smile, she knows a few hours of talking wont fix it all but at least now she feels like they are on their way back to where they were before this nightmare began, that maybe they can grow from it and finally start to move forward.

  
“Hello my little soldier,” Bernie’s voice crackles over the monitor and Cam’s snuffles slow, Serena closes her eyes and imagines them together, Bernie willingly picking up her child for the first time in almost a year, “What’s all this fuss about?”

  
“Mumma?” Cam’s voice is full of awe and Serena smiles sadly, hopes that Cam will bounce back from this easily, that he’ll grow to barely remember that time his mumma disappeared for a while.

  
“That’s right,” Bernie murmurs, “What are you doing awake darling?”

  
“Bad dream,” Cam sighs and Serena imagines his little shrug, him rubbing at tired eyes with his fists, Bernie pressing a kiss to his head as she holds him against her chest. “Was scawy,”

“I know darling,” she hears Bernie say, “But I’m going to tell you a little secret, I have bad dreams too sometimes, but it’s ok because the monsters and the scary things can’t hurt me, do you know why that is?” Serena can imagine Cam looking up at his mumma with wide, interested eye, “It’s because your mummy loves me so much and that love scares all of the bad things away, she loves you that much too so the monsters in your dreams, they can’t hurt you.”

  
“Mummy?” Cam’s voice is full of wonder and Serena isn’t ashamed to have to wipe away a tear as it trails down her cheek, Bernie had always worried that she would make an awful mother but it’s these little things, things she knows she will remember, that she will tell Cam each time he has a bad dream, that she will tell their other kids, if fate smiles down on them, too, that she’ll never once mention that her love for them is just as strong as Serena’s.

  
“Yes, mummy, she’s strong and powerful and the monsters can see her love wrapped around us like a blanket and that scares them away because they know how strong she is.”

  
“Wow,” Serena chuckles at that, starts clearing away, locking doors, things they all should probably try and get some sleep. By the time she makes it upstairs Cam is tucked into the middle of their bed and Bernie is appearing from the bathroom changed for bed herself.

  
“Is this ok? I just thought...”

  
“Perfect darling,” Serena smiles, cups her cheek and kisses her gently, “What I’ve wanted since you got home.”

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
“No more,” Serena shakes her head lightly, tangles her fingers with Bernie’s and squeezes, “Lets all of us try and get some sleep hmm?”

  
“I might not sleep...I haven’t been.”

  
“That’s ok, just try for me yeah?”

* * *

  
  
The week that follows is far from perfect but it’s about one hundred times better than it has been since Bernie’s return, the blonde still has her moments, still retreats into herself, goes quiet, disappears for an hour or so into another room, comes out looking very much like she’s been crying. There are times when she flinches away from Serena’s touch and she’s yet to fully relax in her embrace, yet to sleep a full night in their bed but its all progress and Serena reminds herself of that every time she gets frustrated at Bernie shutting down of struggling to interact comfortably with their son.

  
It’s almost a month before Bernie is comfortable enough to change in front of her, a month until she gets to the bottom of that bloody tank top she found in the bottom of her wife’s pack the day she returned home.

  
“Bernie,” she says quietly when her wife tugs her t-shirt over her head and turns to the drawer for her pyjamas, gives Serena full view of her upper half for the first time in a year. Its hard to ignore the weight she’s lost, the points of her hip bones stretching the skin, her ribs visible in her back and sides but it is even harder to ignore the angry red scaring that takes up what was once a perfectly smooth back and wraps around her side.

  
“What?” Bernie asks with a frown, notes the worry in the brunettes voice, realises what has happened when she follows her eye line to her skin, “Shit,” she’s quick to tug a top on after that, strides across the room, cups Serena’s cheek in her hand and draws her eyes upwards so they are looking at each other, “It wasn’t as bad as it looks,”

  
“What happened?” Serena swallows hard against the lump in her throat, had almost convinced herself that, when Bernie still hadn’t said anything even after things had gotten easier between them, the blood on the tank top hadn’t been hers after all. She tugs the top up lightly so she can see the damage more closely, doesn’t see any evidence of stitches but can easily see scar tissue within the scar tissue, Bernie flinches when she runs her fingers gently over the uneven surface.

  
“A bomb went off in one of the villages when we were there helping the local doctor for the day, I took some shrapnel to the leg, got caught under some burning timbers, then this got infected,” she waves at her side and Serena understands the additional scaring, thinks it must have been a pretty bad infection to eat away at more flesh.

  
“Show me?” she pleads, gestures to Bernie’s bottom half and the blonde obliges, steps back, shoves her skinny jeans down over her hips, as far as her knees, turns so Serena can see the still red lines that crisscross her thigh. They are minor, healing well, obviously well treated, it’s the burn on the blonde’s side that worries her more, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  
“I didn’t want to worry you and it, well, it felt deserved somehow.” She’s not sure what to say to that, can only grip Bernie’s t-shirt in her hands and bury her face in her stomach and try and breathe through the urge to vomit, “I’m sorry,” Bernie murmurs, strokes her fingers through her hair, doesn’t seem to care that she’s stood in the middle of their bedroom, her jeans down around her knees, her t-shirt bunched in her wife’s hands.

  
“Never, ever keep something like this from me again you hear?” she urges, looks up at the blonde and finds understanding in her eyes.

  
“I promise,” Bernie smiles, bends so she can push their foreheads together, her hands still in Serena’s hair, “And I’ve been doing some thinking, I’m, I made an appointment with a therapist and I’m taking some time away from active duty so I can make sure all of this is dealt with, that we are all ok, before I go away again.”

* * *

  
  
Serena doesn’t believe that Bernie will see the therapist until they are sitting in her office on the day of the blonde’s first appointment, not because she didn’t think her wife meant it but because she knew exactly how difficult it was for her to talk to even Serena about how she was feeling never mind a perfect stranger. The first few sessions are tough, Bernie comes away either devastated or angry but always exhausted, always takes herself for an afternoon nap when she gets home no matter what time of the day her appointment has been. If Serena can she takes her or picks her up, prefers that days when she can do both and, if the three of them are home after the session they all take a nap together, or Bernie and Cam nap and Serena watches over the pair of them, curled up together on Bernie’s side of the bed. It’s slow progress but Serena can at least see progress, none so much as the day Bernie calls her during her lunch break, tells her that Cam is staying with his grandparents for the night and she is taking her on a date. It’s the first time Bernie has even so much as suggested that they do something just the two of them. They are pretty much consistently sharing their bed now but that’s about it, Bernie avoiding changing in front of Serena, avoiding being in the bathroom while her wife is in the bath or shower, but there had been a hint of flirtation, a hint of promise in the blondes voice on the phone that makes Serena hope that that might actually be turning a corner. She has a dress hidden in the back of the wardrobe, something slinky and black that she bought with Bernie’s return in mind, something that, for obvious reasons, she hasn’t had the chance to wear but she is glad of it when Bernie’s eyes widen and linger, when her arms snakes around her waist and Bernie pulls her in close.

  
Bernie takes them to a little Italian place they’ve been visiting since they moved into the area with an extensive wine list that satisfies Serena’s need for a good glass of wine and enough carbs on the menu to keep Bernie satisfied. They talk about everything and nothing, Cam, Serena’s latest ward rotation, the potential for a family holiday before Bernie has to go back on tour and it’s like the last twelve months have never happened, like everything is finally right between them and Serena relishes the weight of Bernie’s hand in hers atop the table and the twinkle in her eyes every time their gazes meet.

  
Bernie left the car at home so they take the scenic walk home through the park, end up sat side by side on a bench overlooking the moonlit lake, Serena’s head resting on her wife’s shoulder.

  
“Tonight’s been nice,” she murmurs, squeezes Bernie’s hand in both of hers, presses a kiss to her shoulder, “Thank you,”

  
“It’s barely a fraction of what you deserve for the way I’ve acted,” Bernie sighs, kisses the top of her head, “I love you darling, I’m sorry that I ever had you doubting that.”

  
“We said no more apologies,” she offers, “Didn’t we.”

  
“That doesn’t mean I will ever want to stop saying sorry for this and there’s something else too,” Serena sees Bernie almost shrinking in on herself and sits up properly, turns her body to fully face the other woman and cups her cheek lightly,

  
“What is it darling?” she prompts, tries not to worry when Bernie can’t meet her eyes again,

  
“I think, I think I want us to try for another baby,” Serena lets her breath out in one long puff, feels her eyes grow wet, an absurd smile spreading across her face,

  
“Really?” she breathes and Bernie finally meets her eye, gives her a shy smile, a small nod.

  
“Really,” Bernie takes one of Serena’s hands between both of her own, plays with the lines, the rings, the shape of her nails, “I know I, well I know I can’t, but I know how much you wanted a brother or sister for Cam, how much we both did and I don’t want what happened to change that, not now that I’ve started to deal with it.”

  
“I. Yes,” Serena leans forward and kisses her, a kiss that Serena lingers but Bernie deepens, pulls apart to press their foreheads together,

  
“There’s no rush, I’m not saying we need to do it right now, if anything I think we probably both need a little more time, but I wanted you to know that it’s still what I want if it’s what you want.”

* * *

  
  
That night Bernie strips off right there in the bedroom with Serena’s eyes on her, slides into their bed in nothing but her underwear and gives her wife an expectant look, her eyes glistening and Serena gives her what she wants. She makes a show of unzipping the dress, slides it off one shoulder then another, is pleased she chose new and matching underwear when Bernie gulps at the reveal, her eyes tracking every move Serena makes until she slides into bed beside her. They come together in middle of the bed, hands gentle as they explore, reacquaint. Bernie lingers on all the parts of Serena she has always loved and Serena takes the time to relearn her wife’s body, lingers on the new scars, is pleased to find that the other woman is finally managing to eat enough that she is gaining the weight she lost. It’s slow and gentle, a real coming together after so long apart and, when they tip each other over the edge both of them have tears in their eyes. Serena finally feels at peace, finally feels like they can put the last year behind them and start moving forward, start planning the expansion of their family.

  
“I love you Berenice Wolfe,” she murmurs, presses a kiss to the blondes shoulder, curls into her side, “Always.”


	30. Snow Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seemed appropriate given the weather (and the fact by the end of this week I’ll have had two and a half days off due to snow!) ive written this in about an hour this morning and not taken the time to read it over so it’s probably messy but it’s the first fully formed thing I’ve written in what feels like an age. 
> 
> I hope you’ve all kept yourselves safe and warm and that the weather with you is starting to clear like it seems to be here! I have some prompts to try and fill and definitely the next chapter of sabbatical to write so hopefully this is the start of my creativity coming back!

Serena wakes slowly, already knows that it’s far too early, knows that she’s been woken by something but it takes a while for the fog in her brain to clear enough that she can work out what. Scrubbing at her face she pushes herself into a vaguely upright position, expects to open her eyes to find Cam bouncing on the end of the bed and can’t work out how annoyed she is when she finds that it is in fact Bernie doing the bouncing, a huge, childish grin on her face.

“Sorry,” she says when she realises Serena is looking at her, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Hmmm,” Serena doesn’t believe it for a second, there’s no other reason for Bernie to be sat on the end of the bed bouncing like an excited child at Christmas but she lets it go for now, can live as long as the smile stays on her wife’s face, “What are you doing up at...” She squints at the clock, sighs again “5:47?”

“It snowed,” Bernie grins and the joy in her face is almost painful in its intensity, “not just a sprinkling, a good four or five inches!” Serena has to resist the urge to roll her eyes, has to remind herself that Bernie has been serving in deserts for the better part of ten years, has missed more winters than she has seen, certainly hasn’t experienced snow, she also has to remind herself of that one year it snowed at university, of how Bernie insisted they buy a sledge and drag it up the hill in the park, of how she persuaded Serena to fling herself down it too, she really shouldn’t be surprised that her wife is so excited.

“So what are you doing sitting here? I thought if it actually came down I’d find you out in it when I got up.”

“I didn’t want to wake the kids up yet.”

“So you thought you’d vibrate me awake with your excitement,” Serena chuckles, she’s pushed herself fully upright and leans to awkwardly kiss the blonde on the cheek.

“Sorry,” Bernie actually looks like she’s sorry now and Serena smiles, kisses her again.

“It’s ok, look, it’s six now, not too early for Cam at least and,” she snags her phone from the bedside table, checks her emails and texts, “an email came through from the school last night. It’s a snow day, he can always nap later if he wants to, leave the girls a little bit longer though?”

“You’re sure?”

“As long as you both wrap up warm,”

“We will.” Bernie practically bounces off the bed, kisses Serena quickly, “love you darling.”

“Love you too but be careful, please.”

 

* * *

 

She drifts back to sleep eventually, doesn’t wake up again until Charlotte climbs into bed beside her, sticks her cold toes against her side.

“Morning Charlie,” it’s a little after eight, they should all probably be thinking about getting up snow day or not and she should certainly be thinking about getting Bernie and Cam in from the snow for a while.

“Morning mummy,” Charlotte smiled, snuggled further into her mother’s embrace, “I cold,”

“It is a bit chilly isn’t it darling, why don’t we go and find your dressing gown and see if your sister is awake?”

Once she and Charlotte are wrapped up warm and they’ve gotten Ellie from the nursery the three of them troop downstairs to the kitchen, Charlotte’s eyes lighting up at the snow for the first time.

“Mummy it snowed!”

“It did darling, Mumma and Cam are out in it at the moment but we’re all going to have breakfast together shortly then we can all get our wellies on and go to the park,”

“No school?” Charlotte’s face is a picture and Serena chuckles, ruffles her hair on the way to the back door to call the other two in for their food.

“No school darling, we’re having a snow day.”

* * *

  
She isn’t surprised when early afternoon sees Bernie and Cam curled up on the sofa together fast asleep, between their early morning adventures in the back yard and the two hours the five of them had spent in the park together after breakfast it was a wonder they’d managed to stay awake through their dinner. With a smile she kisses both of their foreheads and pulls the throw over the two of them, tucks them in before she turns her attention to the girls.

“Should we watch a film?” She asks, thinks about sitting in the armchair but lowers herself to sit with them on the floor instead.

“Frozen?!”

“Seems appropriate,” Serena agrees, shouldn’t be surprised by Charlotte’s choice but she’s half hope the charm might have worn off the film that never seemed to be off in the house. The three of the snuggle up together under a separate throw and it’s not long before they join Bernie and Cam in dream land, just as the first few flakes of the next flurry begin to fall from the sky.


	31. All Grown Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've not been great at updating recently and that isn't about to change as big changes happen over the next few weeks but I found this set of scenes in the notes on my phone and figured there was no harm in posting them.
> 
> I might not be about a lot in the next little bit but I will still be writing (I am still writing) so hopefully I'll be back soon.
> 
> As usual your support means the world and I appreciate each and every one of you.

Jen isn’t what either of them expect for their daughter, a little older with a business head and, as far has Serena has seen, quite unreadable at times. But the more she sees the two of them together the more she sees the ways they fit, the ways Jen’s presence often tempers some of Charlotte’s more problematic whims, but most importantly, the way the redhead makes their little girl smile. 

The day Jen gets in touch with Bernie and asks if they can have coffee Serena smirks and Bernie frowns at her. 

“What?” She asks as she shrugs into her jacket, fluffs at her hair

“I think Jen just decided who the decision maker is.”

“What do you mean?” She chuckles, kisses Bernie’s cheek, pats the other

“I’m sure you’ll see, now go on, don’t keep the poor girl waiting. I’ll see you soon.”

She can tell by the look on Bernie’s face when she gets home that her assumption was right, her wife can’t keep the smile off her face. 

“Everything ok?” She asks nonchalantly. 

“She’s going to ask Lottie to marry her, she wanted our blessing.”

“Well she wanted your blessing,” Serena chuckles, doesn’t mind at all that Jen hadn’t asked her too, “I’m assuming you gave it?”

“Of course. She asked about a ring too, she had something in mind but wanted to know if there was a family ring that we’d like Lottie to have. I suggested my mother’s engagement ring.”

“Oh Bernie,”

“I didn’t have the opportunity to give it to you and I think my mother would have approved of Jen, I think she’d have been thrilled for Lottie to have her ring too, from what I remember the stone came from my great grandmother’s engagement ring that my grandmother wore.”

“Sounds perfect,” she smiles? Did she say when?”

“While they are away next month. She wasn’t 100% sure how or when but she wants it to be while they are in New York.”

“Our little girls growing up,” she sighs, wiping at her eyes that feel a little wet, tries not to dwell on the fact they’ll never go through this with Ellie, it’s long in the past but at big milestones particularly she is struck by the things Ellie will never get to experience. 

“But she’ll always be your Charlie girl darling, you don’t need to worry about that.”  

* * *

 

It’s Serena who she calls, squealing down the phone that she’s engaged, that she’s getting married, that she’s happier than she’s ever been in her life. 

“Congratulations darling,” she grins, listens to the blow by blow account, the dinner, the walk through Central Park, how happy her daughter is over and over, winks at her wife who is grinning from where she’s stood at the stove. 

“Is Mumma there?” Charlotte asks eventually and Serena pushes herself up from the kitchen table, wanders towards the blonde

“Of course, I’ll put her on.”

“Hello darling,” Bernie says, nods and oohs at the expected points and Serena leans against her side where she can hear both sides of the conversation. 

“She gave me grandmas ring Mumma,” Charlotte says eventually and her voice sounds unsure for the first time in the conversation. 

“I know she did sweetheart,”

“But are you, are you sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be sure?” Bernie asks gently and Serena twists to kiss her shoulder

“I don’t know, I just. I know how much you wished you could have given it to mum. I didn’t know if you’d have found another reason to.”

“Oh Lottie,” Bernie signs and Serena squeezes her middle. “I might have found a different reason to give it to your mum but when Jen asked if there was a family ring I knew immediately that I wanted you to have it and I know your grandmother would be thrilled at the thought. She always said she didn’t have favourites but you had the edge on the others.”

“You’re sure,”

“I’m sure, she’d have loved Jen and not just because you do but because she’s a good person. She’d be proud of you.”

“I wish I could call Ellie and tell her,” the change of tack takes them both by surprise and Bernie drops her head onto Serena’s, the phone between them as they cling to each other. 

“I know sweetie, I know.” Bernie sighs eventually, “she’d be happy for you too, though she’d be a little bit more cool about showing it.” Charlotte laughs and it breaks the moment. “You should call Cam, and warn Jen that she should expect the protective big brother talk.”

“Oh I’ve warned her and she’s not scared of him,” Charlotte says, “can we all have dinner when we get home?”

“Of course we can, now go on, you’ve got other people to call. Give our congratulations to Jen, we love you both and we’ll see you when you get home ok?”

“Ok, love you Mumma,”

“Love you too darling.”

“Mumma I’m engaged,” there’s awe in the girls voice that takes them back to when she was a child and she’d see something that amazed her

“You are darling,” Bernie chuckles, her eyes crinkling with her grin, “now go on. Tell some other people.”  

* * *

 

“You’re sure you don’t want to come?” Serena is zipping up her coat, Bernie leant against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and the blonde smiles, shakes her head. 

“I’m sure, you know I’d just end up getting in the way, you and Charlotte enjoy yourselves, just make sure you send me pictures ok?” 

“Of course,” Serena moves close, presses up on her toes to kiss her lightly and smiles, “and you’ll be the first to know if she finds the one. You’re still meeting us for dinner though?” 

“Of course, now go on or you’ll be late.”

She is a few minutes late but Charlotte doesn’t seem to mind, is leaning up against the outside of the shop coffee in hand looking every inch her Mumma minus the cigarette that Bernie would have had in her free hand. 

“Sorry I’m late.” She says, kisses the girl on the cheek

“Don’t worry about it, Mumma not with you?”

“I did try darling but you know how she gets on with shopping, she’s going to meet us for food later though. We should get in.” She tucks her hand into the crook of Charlotte’s elbow, the shop her daughter has chosen is a little different to the bridal shops she looked in when she and Bernie were getting married, it’s small and quirky, but Serena feels comfortable in there almost immediately, smiles when a girl appears from out the back with a shaved head and more tattoos than blank skin. 

Charlotte has clearly spoken to the girl about what kind of thing she’s looking for because she’s got some dresses lined up already but Serena takes the time to peruse the small shop while Charlotte gets into the first dress, lingers on one with a low back and floaty skirt that she could have seen Bernie in when they got married, that she can see their daughter in now so she takes it with her when Charlotte calls her back over. The dress she’s tried on is nothing like the one Serena has picked up, it’s a tea length style with three quarter lace sleeves, it’s beautiful, her little girl looks beautiful but she can tell from her face it’s not the one, she snaps a quick picture anyway, knows that Bernie will want to see them all. She listens to Charlotte chat to the owner, she thinks she remembers her saying they knew each other from uni, listens to her enthuse about the wedding, the flowers, the venue, Jen’s suit, which she won’t see until the day but she knows will be stunning(Serena has seen the photo, Jen wanting to share with someone since her relationship with her own mother is non existent and knows her daughter will approve). The next few dresses are much the same but Charlotte doesn’t get that feeling, loves them all but feels like something is missing so Serena hands her the dress she’s been keeping. 

“What’s this?” Charlotte asks with a frown and Serena knows it’s because it’s completely different to what she thinks she wants. 

“Just indulge your old mum,” Serena shrugs and Charlotte grins, kisses her on the cheek and wanders back into the changing room without argument. 

“Oh,” she hears Charlotte murmur, “Oh I didn’t think I’d get this feeling.”

“Everything ok?” She asks but then Charlotte is standing in front of her and she has a lump in her throat and her eyes are wet, she’d known the dress would be stunning on but she hadn’t anticipated just how stunning. “Oh darling.” The front drapes softly just the right side of modest, the waist pinches in in the perfect place and the skirt is beautiful, Charlotte spins and the back shows the tattoo up her spine off perfectly. 

“I think this might be it,” Charlotte looks like she might cry too and Serena pushes to her feet, pulls her into a gentle hug and then holds her at arms length and looks at her again. 

“Darling you look beautiful,”

“You think Jen will like it?" 

“I think she’ll love it. Now let me take some photos for your Mumma then I’ll pay while you change.”

“But we’ve...” 

“No, me and your Mumma want to do this for you ok. No arguments.”  

 

* * *

 

“As lovely as this is,” Serena says with a smile, reaches over the table to take Charlotte’s hand where it’s fidgeting with the edge of her napkin, “I get the impression there was something you wanted to ask us. How about we get that bit over with so you can relax and enjoy the rest of the evening?” 

“Oh, umm,” Charlotte flushes, has forgotten how easily her mum can read her Bernie thinks  and she offers her daughter a gentle smile, “well, we just wanted to run something by you really, for the wedding.”

“Whatever it is it can’t be as bad as that face you’re pulling darling,” Bernie chuckles and Charlotte meets her eyes with a small smile, “we’ve already told you that however you want to do this we’ll support you and we meant that.”

“We’ve been talking about names,” Jen supplies and Charlotte sags a little, obviously relieved that the topic of conversation has at least been broached, “and we’ve come to a decision but we’d like to have your blessing before moving forward.”  

“Ok,” Serena nods, takes a mouthful of her wine, angles her body so she’s leant ever so slightly against Bernie, the brunette really is a fan of this booth seating, “Charlotte?”  

“Well we went through a lot of options, you can pretty much do anything you want as long as you get the proper documents, and, well, Jen doesn’t want to keep her family name for obvious reasons and well, no offense Mumma but Cam has already continued on the Wolfe name,” 

“Absolutely none taken,” Bernie smiles

“And well, we were thinking, if neither of you mind that is, that we might use McKinnie because it stops with you doesn’t it mum and we thought maybe we could keep it going.”

“Oh,” Serena looks startled, like she hadn’t even considered that it could be an option and from the angle they are sitting Bernie can see that her eyes are sparkling with unshed tears, “Charlotte I...”

“It’s ok if you’d rather not,” Charlotte says, looks slightly disappointed and Bernie reaches out to squeeze her daughters fingers. 

“Darling just let your mum process,” the girl meets her eyes and she gives what she hopes is a reassuring smile, a small nod. In the end Serena doesn’t answer in words but pushes herself to her feet, rounds the table and pulls both girls into a hug. Bernie might never know what her wife says to them but when they pull apart the three of them are grinning, her daughter and her wife are outwardly crying and even the usually stoic Jen is surreptitiously swiping at her eyes. 

“I take it we’ve reached an agreement?” She asks and she’s met with three grinning faces, “in that case,” she reaches for her glass and holds it up, “to the very nearly Mrs and Mrs McKinnie.” 

* * *

Serena had thought she was prepared for the day, thought she had gotten a hold on her emotions enough that she might make it through at least the early part of the day without any tears, but the minute Charlotte steps out of the bedroom and into the main living space of the cabin that served as their overnight accommodation she feels the tears prick her eyes and no amount of blinking up at the ceiling can stop them from breaking free.

“Darling you look beautiful,” Bernie says beside her and she looks at her wife, is unsurprised to find that the blonde’s eyes are wet with tears, even Cam across the room discreetly wipes at his eyes and its that that Charlotte latches onto to break the tension, throws a tissue at him, calls him a baby in the way only she can get away with, has them all laughing quickly. The actual official part of the marriage had happened the previous day, a quick and casual legal binding at the registry office in town, Charlotte had worn a dress, Jen a suit but it hadn’t been a wedding, only the part they had to do to get married in their own unique way. 

It’s a little walk from the cabin to the spot they picked from the ceremony but thankfully, luckily, the weather has held, the sun is shining and everything can go ahead outside as planned. They’d all mucked in the evening before with the decorations, setting the chairs out, all the little things that Charlotte had wanted and Jen had indulged and Serena can’t help but be proud of what they’ve achieved and the guests all seem pleased with the set up, can all be seen looking round, finding something new to point out every time they sweep their eyes over the space. 

Bernie kisses them both before she takes her seat with Cam down at the front, tells them both she loves them, tells Charlotte she is proud of her and then she’s gone and Serena watches her pull Jen into a hug, no doubt tell her the same things, reminds her that she has been a part of the family for a long time and that they love her, are pleased that she and Charlotte are embarking on this, the next big adventure. Serena is crying before they even start to walk down the aisle despite Charlotte whispering jokes in her ear the whole way, mixing her tears with laughter until her daughter lays eyes on her soon to be wife and all she can mutter is an ‘oh shit’. She’s right to be wowed, Jen looks amazing like Serena knew she would, looks equally as awed by Charlotte’s appearance as Charlotte is with hers and when they reach the front Serena hugs the other woman tightly, then her daughter before joining her wife and son in their seats. 

The ceremony is casual but no less heartfelt, Charlotte and Jen’s best friends acting as hosts respectively, both being loving and embarrassing in equal measure and the whole thing is finished of with a shot, one for each guest already in place at their feet, the first toast to the happy couple. It’s hours later that Serena finds Bernie outside the hall where the party is being held, leant up against the porch railing watching the rain that had started just as the sun went down, Charlotte and Jen are out in it somewhere, their photographers coming to grab them, promising the perfect shots, and the party is in full swing but Bernie seems pensive, a little low.

“Ok?” Serena asks, stands beside her at the railing, their hands pressed pinkie to pinkie where they rest on the wood, their shoulders touching too.

“Yeah,” Bernie says though it carries no real enthusiasm and Serena hooks their little fingers together, waits it out, knows that Bernie will get there eventually, “I just, I remember her when she was running around the house in nothing but her nappy and a pair of your high heels, how can she be married?”

“Oh darling,” Serena chuckles, drops her head onto the taller woman’s shoulder, the same high heels the only thing that makes it possible, that gives her the slightest height advantage, “They all grow up in the end, I never thought I’d see the day Cam was ready to be a father but we are there too. But however far they go, however grown up they get, they’ll always need their mumma, she’ll always need you, always want you when things aren’t going great or when she’s sad, same as Cam will always need you when he’s broken something at home and needs you to help him fix it.”

“Ellie would have loved this,” ah, Serena thinks, the real crux of the matter, almost ten years on and its impossible not to think what if.

“She would,” she agrees, pulls Bernie round so they are facing each other, loops her arms over her wife’s shoulders, “she’d be in there dancing the night away, probably the last one standing, the last one up in the morning just in time to miss the clean up.” Bernie can’t help but chuckle at that, “she’d have been all aloof but once she’d had a few drinks she would have taken Charlotte into the bathroom, or brought her out here while she smoked, and told her how proud she was of her, how much she loved her, how much she hoped she would be happy.” a shriek of laughter pulls their eyes out into the darkness and they both grin as they watch Charlotte and Jen run through the downpour, the photographer not far behind still snapping pictures. Serena trie not to cringe at how soaked Charlotte’s dress is, thinks it doesn’t matter when her daughter is so happy. They quickly find themselves pulled into a soggy hug, the sombre mood broken completely, Serena knows they will never stop thinking about Ellie, but the very act of acknowledging they miss her presence that day seems like enough now, enough for her at least, she wonders if it’s wrong, if she should feel more sad, but then she hears Charlotte’s laugh, so like her mumma’s and it’s impossible to feel sad anymore, this day isn’t about Ellie any more than it would be if she was still with them, it’s about her Charlie girl growing up, taking the next step, it’s about celebration, and she knows that wherever Ellie is, she approves. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is 100% dedicated to @majorwolfe, who planted an idea in my head and kept feeding the angst machine until I couldn't ignore it anymore.
> 
> There's a huge angst warning on this, I truly feel like I have my mojo back with this one, the return of the pure angst I'm so used to writing.
> 
> This one-shot is the reason why I love this thread of little snippets because it pulls together several different threads of the universe I have created and if you've read the latest Sabbatical update then you might remember that I alluded to this within that.
> 
> Thank you again for all of your support, it's the thing that keeps me writing and keeps me posting.

Bernie closes the door on the last of the guests and lets out a sigh, rubs at her face, can feel the last of the make up on her fingers and wipes them on her black slacks and wanders back through the house, finds the kids in the living room starting to stack up plates and collect glasses, she has no idea where Serena has ended up, at the moment isn’t sure she cares.

“Just leave that you two,” she says, drops down onto the arm of the sofa, offers them a weak smile, “I’ll sort it out shortly.”

“We don’t mind,” Lottie says and Bernie shakes her head, holds her hand out and pulls her daughter into a hug, she looks as exhausted as Bernie feels,

“It gives me something to do,” she shrugs, “Why don’t you two get yourselves out of the house for a while, go to the pub or something.” they both deserve a break from the atmosphere in the house and she needs to find Serena and have a serious conversation with her, or put her to bed to sleep of the shiraz she has been throwing back all afternoon, whichever seems more pressing, doesn’t want the kids to witness any conversation that might happen.

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind getting out to clear my head,” Cam says and she knows her son has maybe taken on the most of all of them over the space of the day, has stayed strong and stoic and held them all up, “But I don’t want you to have to deal with this all on your own.” she’s not sure whether he’s talking about the mess or his mother.

“Don’t worry about it, honestly, like I said it means I have something to keep me occupied, take your sister and my wallet from the hall table.” they both hug her extra tight before they leave, murmur that they love her. She stays sat where she is, relishes the silence after so much forced conversation, tries to ignore the picture of Ellie smiling down at her from the mantelpiece, feels it like a punch in the gut all over again. The sound of glass shattering in the kitchen pulls her attention and she pushes herself wearily to her feet, collects the pile of plates nearest to her and wanders through, finds Serena practically slumped at the table, a practically empty bottle of shiraz and a half full glass beside her, the cause of the noise, a smashed wine glass and a pool of blood red wine on the floor at her feet; it’s clear she has no plans to move and clear it up. 

She’s satisfied when the brunette flinches when she drops the plates into the sink, though she can see that her glassy eyes are barely focused, not that she’s surprised, there were five bottles of shiraz in the house, four of them are sitting empty by the kitchen door and Bernie doesn’t know a single one of their friends who would pick it over the other options, knows she cradled the same whiskey for most of the afternoon, only knocking it back when Ric had clinked his glass against hers and offered her a refill. There’s rage simmering under the exhaustion, the sadness, anger that Serena has behaved the way she has, gotten herself into the state she has, she understands the desire to get drunk, to forget, but she also knows the role she needs to play in all of this, knows that as much as she is hurting, and god is she hurting, today was more about other people saying goodbye to their daughter. 

“What are you doing?’ Serena slurs when she crouches down with kitchen roll and the dustpan and brush, starts to pick out the biggest of the broken shards so she can deal with the rest.

“Well this can’t stay here all night can it?” she sighs, resists the urge to roll her eyes when all Serena does is take another mouthful from her glass, “but that’s fine, you just sit there.” she snaps, can’t help it but knows it’s not the best way to deal with the issue at hand, doesn’t actually think it’s worth having the conversation she’s been planning until Serena has slept of the four bottles of wine.

“I buried my baby today Bernie.”

“So did I,” she sighs, rests back on her feet to look up at her wife, is slightly taken aback by the look on the brunette’s face.

“She was my baby Berenice, you might have had a hand in raising her but I carried her, I gave birth to her. You might think you had a bond with her but it was nothing compared to the bond we shared, you have no idea how I’m feeling today, none at all!” the other woman’s words are slurred, Bernie knows that what she is saying comes more from the alcohol than from anything else, but it doesn’t stop them hitting her hard, doesn’t stop her finching, she feels sick, can’t believe the words that are coming out of her wife’s mouth, can’t believe that the brunette is drunk enough or lost in her grief enough to forget everything that has gone before.

“No, you’re right, I couldn’t possibly know what it feels like to lose a child I carried, not at all.” she pushes herself up, she’s shaking and can feel the heat of angry tears pressing behind her eyes, thinks she needs to walk away before she does something she’ll really regret in the morning. “But when you wake up in the morning with a hangover and no memory of this conversation there’s one thing I want to stick in your head. You might have buried your baby today but you got twenty years to get to know her, to tell her you loved her, I didn’t even get twenty minutes with Jacob. Go to bed Serena.” She leaves before she can say any more, doesn’t really know what else there is to say, swipes at her eyes as she grabs her coat and car keys, slams the door behind herself. There’s no way she can stay in the house now, no way she can share a bed with Serena even if her words were the work of the alcohol and the grief, thinks she’ll need to stay out late enough that the kids think she has just gone to bed, don’t come home to find her on the sofa. 

She drives without really thinking, just needs to be far away from home, needs to clear her head, needs to try and organise all of the emotions she’s feeling. She’s been going for almost an hour when she has to pull over quickly, throws her door open and throws up onto the tarmac a sob following quickly after as it all hits her at once. She’s glad she’s on a quiet stretch of road because all she can do is pull the door closed and curl up in her seat, cry for the baby she never knew, the daughter she will never see grow older and for the wife who feels like she is slowly slipping through her fingers. 

* * *

  
  


Serena wakes with a groan, can’t bring herself to open her eyes when she feels like a marching band are rehearsing in her head. She has no idea what time it is, doesn’t really remember getting up to bed, not much after about 3 pm if she’s honest. She’s uncomfortable, wriggles to try and change it then realises why realises she is still in the blouse and slacks she had worn the previous day. It’s that that makes her crack her eyes open in search of Bernie, can’t remember a time when her wife has allowed her to pass out drunk, because the band in her head won't let her deny that that is what happened, and left her in her clothes. She’s in the ensuite faster than her brain can move, makes it just in time to throw up in the toilet, the movement not helping her in anyway and she slowly lowers herself to the floor, is pleased there is not natural light in there because whatever state she made it upstairs in she neglected to close the curtains and the morning light she usually loves is streaming cruelly through the windows. She is sure of very little more than three facts, she drank far too much Shiraz yesterday, she literally passed out drunk in her clothes the night before and she has no idea where Bernie is and can only be sure that she didn’t come to bed.

It takes her an hour and throwing up twice more before she feels like she can move and even then it’s only as far as the edge of the bed. She knows she should shower but isn’t sure her body would forgive her for it just yet, decides to change for now instead, then go in search of her wife and painkillers. She discards her funeral clothes, pulls on a pair of pyjama pants and Bernie’s hoody that is slung over the back of the chair in the corner and takes the time to splash some water on her face before she heads downstairs, grips the bannister as she goes, not feeling at all steady on her feet. She follows the sound of conversation to the kitchen, is mildly surprised that the place is back to normal, has no memory of the clean up, not even of the last of the guests leaving, the kids are in the kitchen talking quietly as they empty out the dishwasher, put glasses and mugs back in their cupboards, look up with matching frowns on their faces when they hear her.

“Morning,” she croaks as she crosses to the sink, coughs to clear her throat.

“Only just,” Cam says and he sounds tired, a little annoyed, she hopes to god she didn’t say anything to upset the kids, “there are painkillers on the table.”

“Thank you, darling,” she tries a smile though she knows it probably turns out as more of a grimace, empties a glass of water once before refilling it and moving to take the pills, “is your mum out?”

“You mean you don’t know where she is?” Charlotte sounds on the verge of frantic and she twists to look at her daughter, tries to ignore the way the movement makes the world spin.

“I’ve just woken up sweetheart, I figured you would have seen her this morning?”

“This morning, mum, the cars been missing since Cam and I got home last night, we figured she’d popped out to pick something up, didn’t she say anything before she left?” she might have done, Serena thinks, but she can’t for the life of her remember, has a vague recollection of broken glass, of Bernie clearing it up, can see her wife on the verge of tears but can’t work out any kind of time frame, thinks none of them were far from tears for the whole day. She searches about for her phone, finds it tucked between two empty Shiraz bottles waiting to go out for the recycling and brings the screen to life, ignores the notifications when she scans the list and finds none of them for her wife, opens their message thread and sends her a text, then sees the look on the kids faces and calls her to.

“It’s ringing twice then cutting out,” she says after three tries, doesn’t know what that means, isn’t as tech savvy as anyone else in the family.

“So she’s screening her calls,” Cam mutters, “mum what the hell did you do?”

 

* * *

 

Bernie watches the sunrise at the trailhead, had spent most of the night driving aimlessly around, not wanting to go home but not wanting to go anywhere else and explain to whoever she ended up with why she was spending the night of her daughters funeral away from her wife. In the end, it was inevitable she ended up there, a place that held so many memories for her whole family. She always kept her walking boots and a change of clothes in the boot, had wriggled into the sweatpants in the back of the car, slipped her feet into her boots and pulled a jumper on over her thin shirt. It wasn’t exactly the weather for her, she should definitely have at least another layer on but the bite of the wind is a good distraction from the thoughts swirling in her brain. As she watches the light begin to touch the landscape she tries to imagine what it would be like to have Jacob there with her, what kind of man he would have grown up to be, wonders if maybe he would have followed in his mumma’s footsteps all the way to Major or if he would have been more like his sisters, more creative, more of a people person. She wonders if Ellie would have felt like she could confide in him if maybe having him around might have saved them from all of this. The thoughts hurt as sharply in that moment as they did the day she lost him, the day she shut down, shut her family out, tried and failed to forget, she wonders if Serena is doing this because she deserves it, wonders if her wife might run away and leave her and the kids like she left Serena and Cam all those years ago. When the sun fully breaks the horizon her eyes are screwed shut against more tears, she’s exhausted, doesn’t know how her body can produce more hurt, doesn’t feel like she has the capacity to contain it. 

* * *

 

She doesn’t know how long she sits there, doesn’t move until her phone vibrates in her back pocket, see’s that it’s her wife and diverts the call, doesn’t think she’s ready to talk to the other woman, doesn’t know what she could say, has no doubt that Serena won’t remember much of what was said the night before. Serena tries a few times more, sends texts she doesn’t read and then seemingly gives up, only for her phone to light up with Cam’s name. She debates ignoring it so long that he gives up but it’s only seconds before it lights up again, this time with Lottie’s name and she doesn’t hesitate in answering, realises that the kids are probably worried about her, 

“Hello darling,” she says quietly, her voice sounds raw to her own ears and she pushes to her feet, starts to make her way back to the car.

“I’m at the trail, I’m just on my way back to the car.”

“I know, I know, I just needed some time, I’m sorry I worried you. I’ll be home soon, ok?

“Ok, I love you too.”

* * *

  
  


The house is quiet when she gets home but she can hear the radio on in the kitchen so she kicks off her shoes and follows it, finds Serena leant up against the back door frame, her back to the door and a plume of smoke the only hint of what she’s doing. The vindictive side of Bernie drops her keys onto the table top and relishes the way the brunette flinches, spins on her heal, she’s also oddly pleased to see her wife looking as awful as she feels.

“How much do you remember?” she asks, doesn’t see the point in beating around the bush, “I’m imagining not much considering the five empty bottles of wine.”

“Bernie I…” she can tell the minute Serena takes stock of everything in Bernie’s face, “Shit Bernie what did I do?”

“You told me that I could never know how you were feeling yesterday, that I could never understand what it felt like to lose a child I had carried.” she relishes the fact that Serena pales further, “you said that I might have had a special connection with Ellie but I would never understand it because she wasn’t my baby. I said this to you last night Serena and I’m going to say it again now; you might have buried your baby yesterday but you had twenty years to get to know her, twenty years to watch her grow, to hold her in your arms, I didn’t even get twenty minutes with Jacob. So the next time you think that I don’t know how much this hurts, that it can’t hurt me as much because Ellie wasn’t my flesh and blood, remember that I gave birth to our son, a son who was already dead.”


	33. Monty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone, on twitter I think, asked for this ages ago, probably actually when we first got Luna so closer to a year ago than not and I finally got round to writing it this week in amongst all the smut my brain seemed to think needed to be written (that's coming too, I promise, I just need to get over the FEAR)
> 
> I started writing this and then started to worry that I couldn't get it to fit into what had come before but I think, in my head at least, I've managed to do it without having to send anyone to the farm prematurely! 
> 
> It's not particularly long and it feels like more of a stream of consciousness than anything else but it's all pretty much pulled from experience, just without having the three kids too.
> 
> The rambly nature of this authors note makes me wonder if the Starbucks I'm drinking is actually decaf which is slightly problematic so I'm going to wrap things up so I can go lie down!
> 
> Thank you all for your support, it's what keeps me going and if there is anything particular you want to see this if proof that if you ask I might not write it straight away but I probably will get there in the end!

“How hard can it be?” Bernie says, looks at the little ball of fur in Serena’s lap and then makes eye contact with her wife, offers a confident smile. She had a dog when she was growing up, remembers family walks, curling up for naps and being Freddy’s commanding officer (she’d always wanted to be in the army), has fond memories of having a pet around and thinks she wants the same for her own children, had said as much to Serena when they were weighing up the possibilities. She knows her wife isn’t sure, knows she never had any kind of pet growing up, knows too that if it was up to her she would more likely choose a cat, more independent at the very least than a dog, if it was her decision, but she also knows that the brunette has done her research, hopes that she trusts her too. 

Charlotte is the driving force in the decision in the end, Cam had mentioned on and off the possibility of a pet but Charlotte had wanted a puppy for as long as she could vocalise a rough representation of the word, had asked for that one thing every Christmas and birthday, had never verbalised disappointment at not receiving the one thing she wanted but had made sure to ask each time. It had never been possible before, not with Serena working full time and pregnant with Ellie and Bernie away, and then not with Bernie home but out of commision and, Bernie thinks, it might still be a stretch now but they’ve planned it so they have two weeks off, have forgone the chance for a family holiday, Serena has given up her fortnight of sun, for a fortnight spent settling and training the newest member of their family, a twelve week old Cocker Spaniel called Monty.

* * *

 

It turns out ‘how hard can it be’ is a curse that Bernie regrets almost the minute they get the puppy home. The kids are staying with Adrienne for the night, a chance for puppy to get settled in his new surroundings before he is assaulted by three over excited kids and a particularly squealing toddler. Within five minutes of being home he has completely bypassed the puppy pad and pee’d on Serena’s office rug, Bernie thinks it’s only the puppy dog eyes that stop Serena giving up there and then and soon he’s curled up on the sofa with his brunette mumma fast asleep. Bernie makes sure to take a picture then, something cute and precious to show her wife when the teething starts and he’s chewing on everything like a puppy possessed. 

The look on Serena’s face when Bernie suggests that he sleep in their room for his first night says it all and so, instead, when bedtime comes and he’s been out into the garden to use the bathroom (it seems even puppies are not immune to Serena’s death glare) they confine him to the kitchen with his new bed, a bowl of clean water and one of his quiet toys. They’ve only been upstairs for fifteen minutes when he starts crying, have just settled into bed and Serena huffs, moves to get up.

“Leave him,” Bernie murmurs, rubs a soothing hand against Serena’s back, “He’ll settle himself in a minute, it’s his first night away from his mother that’s all.” a minute turns into half an hour, the crying getting louder if anything and when Serena sighs for the third time Bernie is the one who pushes herself out of bed, pulls on some sweatpants and a tshirt, “you’re going to make me sleep downstairs with him aren’t you?” Serena doesn’t say anything, doesn’t need to, the look she gives the blonde is enough and she kisses her wife’s cheek before pushing herself up and out of the room. She ends up having about three hours of pretty interrupted sleep; Monty decides it’s playtime at around two am and it’s only the fact she’s used to being expected to be awake at a moments notice that keeps her going, stops her snapping every time she is just drifting off only to have him climb on her or lick at her face and wake her up again and she thinks it’s a good thing she came down and not Serena.

The kids love him, of course, they do, and he loves the attention from all of them especially, and luckily, Charlotte, who takes to him straight away and it’s not long before he becomes her shadow, follows her everywhere much to her glee. He doesn’t even seem to mind Ellie crawling around and tugging at his tail, perhaps the biggest relief of all, the only thing Bernie hadn’t been one hundred percent certain of.

He settles a lot easier the second night, doesn’t cry until around 2am when Bernie runs downstairs and lets him out into the garden, lets him run around in the dark for a while until he finds the best place to pee and then comes trotting back to the door, waits for Bernie to finish her sneaky cigarette (she’s up, might as well make the most of it) and then follows her straight back inside, bypasses his bed but curls up in the chair they keep in the corner of the kitchen that he seems to have made his own.

“You better not have brought him up here,” Serena grumbles sleepily when she slides back into bed and she huffs out a chuckle, slides right against her wife’s back and kisses her shoulder,

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” she murmurs, “go back to sleep.”

* * *

 

They settle into a kind of routine, Bernie gets used to getting up in the night to let him out to use the bathroom and there are no accidents in the house, there’s only one occasion when they come back from being out to find he’s gotten into a cupboard and shredded the two rolls of kitchen roll he found in there, is lying proudly in the middle of it all when they come home, things Serena trying to clean it all up is a game he can win and luckily it’s been a good enough day that Serena can see the funny side, chides him with a smile, it’s the beginning of her wife softening towards the new addition and it’s not long before it’s Serena who he curls up with once the kids are in bed. 

It’s easier when they can walk him and then when Bernie can take him out for a run with her in the morning. It’s not easy, juggling three growing kids, two more than full time jobs that sometimes mean strange hours and a dog but the manage it. Adrienne is more than happy to walk him or feed him on the days when their shifts overlap, they find a trustworthy dog walker who can do it on the days they are really stuck, he goes with them when they are camping, spends time in a doggy hotel when they go abroad, he has a positive effect on every single one of them and for all there were times when Bernie thought they had made the biggest mistake of their lives, that they were going to have to explain to Charlotte that her new friend couldn’t stay, Bernie is glad they took the risk, knows that even Serena would grudgingly admit that she loved the little furball, even that time he chewed up one of her work shoes and then hid it under the sofa. 

 


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd been struggling to work out where and when Jason fit into this universe but this little one shot has half answered that for me. This one contains underage drinking and therefore a warning for all the side effects that entails.  
> I had thought I still had loads of this left to type but it turns out I'd just been really lazy and left the very last paragraph to type up and nothing else.  
> As usual thanks for the comments, the kudos and the love. I have half of the next Sabbatical update written, I'm just trying to convince myself that I can write smut!

Bernie grabs blearily for her phone, answers with her eyes still half shut and her voice choked with sleep until the voice at the other end reaches her ears and she is suddenly very wide awake, something she can thank her time in the army for.

“Mrs Wolfe, it’s Morgan, Ellie’s friend,” the girl sounds worried, the noise in the background telling her they aren’t where they are supposed to be that night, “it’s Ellie, I think you need to come and get her.”

“Where are you? In fact, no, put Ellie on the phone.”

“Mumma?” her little girl sounds upset and scared and it cuts through the anger somewhat, there will be time to be cross later she thinks, but for now she needs to make sure her daughter is ok.

“Oh Ellie, what mess did you get yourself into?” she says gently, hears Ellie sob, “I’m coming to get you, sweetheart, I’ll be there as fast as I can, put Morgan back on so I can find out where you are. I love you.”

 

By the time she hangs the phone up with an address and a promise to be there as fast as she can she is already out of bed and halfway into her jeans, planning the quickest route to the swanky development where her 15 year old is stranded in her head. She grabs her hospital hoody on the way out the door, throws it on over the ratty t-shirt she had been wearing for bed. She waits until she is driving to call her wife, half prays to get the answering machine but is surprised when the other woman picks up on the second ring.

“Slow night McKinnie?” she chuckles, is rewarded with a laugh from her wife,

“Dreadfully so. But what are you doing awake?”

“I’m on my way to get Ellie, her friend Morgan called, they are at a house party and by the sounds of it she’s had a little too much to drink.” 

“A house party? She’s supposed to be at Taylor's.” Serena sounds furious, Bernie isn’t surprised, is annoyed herself but is more concerned with making sure their daughter is safe. 

“I know, and it’s something we’ll talk to her about when I know she is ok and she has sobered up, I just wanted to let you know what was going on.”

“I’ll get the oncall to come and cover the rest of my shift,”

“No you won't, that’s not why I called,” Bernie thinks the last thing Ellie needs is Serena coming home all guns blazing and laying into her, “I can handle this.”

“Bernie she needs to be told,”

“And she will be,” she interrupts, “when she’s in a fit state to listen and remember it in the morning. I’ll make sure the other girls get home too and I’ll keep you updated. I’ll see you at home at six, no earlier, I mean it Serena.”

* * *

  
  


There’s no mistaking that she has found the right house, can’t believe that none of the neighbours have complained or called the Police, the music is loud enough to be heard from the opposite end of the street and the large front lawn is littered with discarded cans and huddles of teenagers. 

She’s just about to call Ellie’s mobile when she spots the group of friends trying to practically drag her daughter stumbling down the path, is out of the car in seconds, her long strides eating up the distance between them. 

“I’ve got her,” she says when she’s close enough, scoops her daughter up so she’s cradled against her, she has no idea what the girl has been drinking but given the glassy eyes, the ways she is practically boneless in Bernie’s arms she can at least conclude that she’s had a lot of whatever it is. 

“Mrs Wolfe we…” 

“Get in the car,” she snaps, doesn’t want to hear their apologise or excuses, only knows that her youngest daughter is a lot worse off than any of them, “don’t look at me like that, in the car, now.” it’s not often she reverts back to the major anymore but it has the desired effect, all three girls trooping silently into the back of the car while she gets Ellie into the front seat, pulls off her hoody and drapes it over the girl to keep her warm.

 

“I’ll be calling all of your parents about this in the morning, it’s up to you whether they hear about it from you or me,” she says when she drops Jasmine off in front of her house, watches her until she is sure she is through the door, makes the rest of the drop-offs in silence.

They are almost home when Ellie throws up down the hoody that’s covering her and Bernie sighs, cracks the window open to help get rid of the smell and keeps going, would rather just get them home than stop and deal with it when they are so close already. Ellie doesn’t move when they pull into the drive, barely flickers when Bernie opens the passenger side door. The blonde folds the hoody in on itself drops it by the front wheel to deal with later thinks she’ll probably just bin it, get another from the hospital the next time she is on shift. The smell of whiskey hits her as she leans over the girl to undo her seatbelt and sighs, hopes the whiskey didn’t come from her collection, thinks Serena would have a fit and find a way to blame her.

“Stupid girl,” she mutters, scoops her into her arms and kicks the door shut, struggles to balance her load and get the door open. It’s a miracle, she thinks, as she walks her up the stairs, that none of this has woken the rest of the house up, thought for sure that she would have at least disturbed Jason because he still isn’t really used to being there and this definitely falls outside of the routine he has begun to learn.

“Bernie?” she pauses mid-step and looks up just as Ellie is sick again, too good to be true on both counts, forces a gentle smile onto her face 

“Sorry Jason, we didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Is Eleanor alright?” He asks from where he is peering over the banister and Bernie has to resist the urge to roll her eyes.

“She’s just a bit poorly Jason, I’m going to put her to bed until she feels better, go back to bed, we’ll try not to make any more noise.”

“Ok,” he nods, hesitates before he turns fully back into his room, “Bernie?”

“Yes Jason,” it’s a struggle not to sigh, to remain open with him but she knows she needs to, had promised Serena over and over that she would do everything she could to make him feel welcome and she imagines that that includes 1 am, covered in her drunk fifteen-year-olds vomit and starting to struggle with the weight of holding onto her.

“Will we still be having pancakes for breakfast? Even though Eleanor is sick.” she smiles at that, starts to move again,

“Of course we will Jason, now go on, back to bed.” she is relieved there are no more questions, that he shuffles back to his room, closes the door firmly behind him. It’s a miracle that the other two haven’t come out to investigate, is pleased there are no more disruptions as she deposits her daughter straight into the master bath, takes a minute to pull off her vomit soaked t-shirt and find something to put Ellie into once they are finished before she strips the girls as best she can out of the ruined dress and turns on the shower.

 

Ellie is a little more alert once she is done, once she has washed the sick out of her hair and is able to get out of the tub under her own steam. Bernie follows her to the bedroom and points out the clothes, waits until she is happy she can be left alone for a few minutes before quickly showering herself. When she emerges from the bathroom pulling her wet hair into a messy ponytail Ellie is curled up on Serena’s side of the bed, her eyes screwed shut as she breathes through her nose and Bernie quickly retrieves the bowl from under the bathroom sink, puts it down next to the girls head and sits down on the bed beside her, strokes her hair gently.

“Mumma, I don’t feel good,” she mumbles and Bernie can’t help feel sorry for her despite being cross with her too,

“I know darling, you won't for a little while,” she soothes, “are you ok while I go and get you a glass of water and get rid of these clothes?”

“Be quick?”

“Of course and the basin is here if you feel sick again. Please don’t throw up on your mum's side of the bed.”

“She’s going to kill me,” the girl sobs and Bernie is glad she’s expecting it, knows her own anger will fade into insignificance when faced with Serena’s ire, thinks that it isn’t going to help the tension that has been building between mother and daughter for the last several weeks, ‘I’m sorry mumma,”

“Let’s save that until the world stop spinning hmm?” Bernie suggests, kisses the girls forehead before she retreats to collect their ruined clothes and then heads downstairs, first to the utility room where she throws the items straight into a black bin bag and scrubs her hands clean then to the kitchen where she fills a glass with iced water and finds some paracetamol. She’s almost out of the room before she remembers the smell of whiskey and backtracks to the drinks cupboard, takes a deep breath before she opens the door and then groans, she knows exactly what is missing and it’s no wonder Ellie feels so shocking. 

 

“Sit up and drink,” she prompts when it’s clear Ellie actually isn’t asleep, is probably keeping her eyes closed to stop the world spinning. She groans when she pushes herself up enough to do what she’s told, drinks half of the water before flopping back onto the bed. “You’ll sleep in here so I can keep an eye on you and we’ll talk about the £60 bottle of whiskey I’m missing in the morning.”

“Mumma I…”

“Not tonight Ellie, get some sleep, we’ll talk in the morning.”

* * *

 

She’s just starting to drift off to sleep when she hears the front door open and close and groans, hasn’t had enough sleep to deal with Serena on the warpath and she knows that is exactly how she’ll be. When half an hour passes and her wife still hasn’t made it upstairs she pushes herself up with a sigh and heads downstairs to find out what is keeping her, no longer worried about leaving Ellie now that she has managed to go a few hours without being sick again. She follows the light to the office, stops in the doorway for a moment to watch her wife try and get comfy in the large armchair before making her presence known.

“Darling what are you doing down here?” she asks, doesn’t flinch under the weight of her wife’s glare.

“You put our drunk daughter in my side of the bed remember,” she snaps and Bernie rolls her eyes, knows the brunette would have done exactly the same thing had their places been reversed, 

“And you know why I did that.” she shrugs, “have my side, I’ll have to start making breakfast for Jason soon anyway.”

“I don’t think I can stand to look at her I’m so angry,”

“So go and sleep in her bed. She knows she did a stupid thing Serena and she’s ready for us both to give her the lecture she deserves when she gets up but at the moment she’s asleep and when she wakes up she’s going to have the worst hangover of her life, I think that’s punishment enough for now. Don’t be so ridiculous Serena and go and sleep in a bed.”

“A bottle of whiskey, Bernie what was she thinking?”

“That she wanted to have fun with her mates, probably impress them a little bit too and you can’t pretend you didn’t do that at her age McKinnie because I’ve heard the stories that prove you did and Cam did exactly the same thing, though at least he managed not to be sick in my hair.”

“That’s very much not the point Bernie.”

“It’s not, and you have my permission to ground her into the next millennium once you’ve both had some sleep and sleeping in that chair doesn’t count. Go upstairs, sleep in a bed and I’ll make sure I keep some pancakes for you when you get up, ok?”

 

Jason appears less than half an hour later wrapped in his brown dressing gown, his feet covered in slippers and Bernie suddenly thinks that they might have to find out where the slippers are from, doesn’t know if they are one of the things he is particular about like the brand of marmalade they buy or the way his socks are paired. She’s glad she came downstairs when she did, it means the oil is heating in the pan when he walks through the door and she can start making his breakfast while he makes himself a cup of tea, something that none of them have learned to do right yet.

“Will you be going for your run this morning Bernie?” he asks while he sits and waits for his breakfast, Bernie marvels at how far he has come in the last month, that now, as long as  _ his _ routine remains untouched he is mostly content, he may not like how chaotic Wolfe family life can be but he is learning to live with it, a blessing considering Bernie doesn’t think there would be any chance of them all changing their ways now. 

“I’ve not decided yet Jason,” she offers over her shoulder, waves in the direction of her coffee, “I’ll finish that then see how I feel.” her answer seems to satisfy him and he turns his attention to the paper Serena must have brought in with her.

“Can I do the puzzle page, Bernie?”

“Of course you can.”

 

“Thank you,” he says when his breakfast is put in front of him and he pushes the half-completed puzzle page to the side so he can focus on his meal.

“No problem,” she says, finishes the first pancake of the batch, rubs her slightly sticky fingers in her pajama pants, “I think I might actually go for that run Jason, you know where everything is and Lottie should be up soon if you aren’t sure.”

 

* * *

 

The run is probably a mistake, she knows before she has even started that she hasn’t had enough sleep and carrying Ellie up the stairs really hasn’t done her back any good but she goes anyway, thinks it might help get rid of the fog of exhaustion lingering over her. She takes it slow, heads towards the park, admits defeat halfway around the lake and takes a slow walk back to the house. 

There’s a quiet hum coming from the kitchen when she closes the front door behind her and she follows the sound to where her eldest two are up and making breakfast.

“Make sure there’s enough left for your mum and your sister.” she says as she pours herself a glass of water, can already see that Cam is making far more than he needs, “Cameron don’t be a pig,”

“Yeah Cam, don’t be a pig,” Lottie chuckles from where she is perched on the bench and Bernie shoots her a pointed look, “And I thought El’s was out for the night.”

“Bernie had to go and get her because she wasn’t well, she woke me up carrying her up the stairs,” Jason supplies and Bernie has to resist  the urge to roll her eyes, “They weren’t very quiet I’m surprised they didn’t wake you too.”

“Yes, thank you, Jason,”

“She ok?” Charlotte asks and Bernie is suddenly aware that both of her children are watching her with raised eyebrows.

“She’ll be fine once she’s slept it off,” Bernie says pointedly and Charlotte ‘ahs’ in understanding while Cam looks impressed.

“Go Ellie,” he crows and Bernie slaps his shoulder on the way past hard enough that he sloshes coffee over his hand.

“I’m going for a shower, do NOT let your mother hear you say that.” As she leaves she can vaguely hear Jason start to ask questions, only briefly considers going back, thinks Cam can field them and can only hope there aren’t too many follow up questions.

She’s pleased to find Serena curled up on her side of the bed when she gets upstairs, had assumed that she hadn’t gone to sleep in Ellie’s bed when Charlotte didn’t say anything. Ellie is still sleeping soundly, the blanket that she had practically kicked off when Bernie went downstairs pulled back up to her shoulders, proof that while her wife is angry, she still very much cares.

She takes a little longer in the shower than she had the previous night, gives her hair a vigorous scrub to make doubly sure that she has dislodged any possible remaining vomit from the night before. As the water clears away the last of the night, the sweat from her run and the pressure goes a small way to working some of the tension out of her shoulders she sends out a small hope into the universe that this isn’t a taste of things to come with their youngest child, that this will be enough to put her off any more lies, any more drinking to excess in the same way it had Cam. Hopes the other two haven’t lulled them into a false sense of security and they aren’t about to have a rebel on their hands. 


	35. Serena's Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a little happy one shot for a fabulous person's birthday. (and it's actually happy right the way through!)

“Serena it’s your birthday,” Bernie sighs, leans over to switch off the oven she had been preheating and pushing herself up onto a clear stretch of the bench, “And your holiday started three hours ago,” she might have known this would happen when she had big plans.

“Darling, I know, but they’ve called everyone in, there’s been a major incident at the stadium,” Serena soothes and Bernie feels guilty for being annoyed, knows her wife well enough by now to know she wouldn’t stay at work longer than she had to. The other woman sounds exhausted, no surprise since her shift is already pushing the sixteen-hour mark and is sounding like it isn’t going to ease soon, “I’m sorry, I know you had things planned for tonight.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she shrugs, “nothing that won’t keep. What time do you think you’ll get out?” Serena sighs and Bernie wants nothing more than to pull her into a hug.

“We don’t know exactly what we have coming in yet, but I know we need to drive up to Edinburgh this morning. How about if you haven’t heard from me by the time you pick the kids up tomorrow you come and drag me out of the building?”

“You sure?” she’s due to get the kids at eight the next day, hopes her wife doesn’t have to work for a further twelve hours before she can whisk her off on holiday.

“Yes, look darling, the first patient is on their way up I have to go. I’ll text you if I can.”

“Ok love, stay safe.”

“Love you darling.” she stays where she is perched on the bench for a few minutes when they hang up, tries to formulate a plan for her new, solo, night now that her plans are out the window. The cake is made, can go in a tin to have at the hotel the following night with the kids, the presents too can go in the car to be opened at some point the next day, though there are a few that she’ll either have to save until the kids have gone to bed or maybe even keep them at home, doesn’t think she fancies running the risk of having to explain them if they get stopped by customs at the airport.

With a sigh she pushes herself off the bench, blows the candles on the dining table out on her way out of the room, thinks she might as well get comfortable before she does anything else, thinks she can pack the new tailored trousers and tight fitting shirt for dinner while they are away. She huffs a little as she tucks the strap-on back into its box at the back of their wardrobe, she’d really been looking forward to  _ that _ part. While she’s up there she tucks the more inappropriate gifts into her top drawer for their return, sorts some of the smaller gifts into a bag to take with them, leaves the coffee machine, the perfume and the spa vouchers where they are. After a slight hesitation she folds the dress bag into the bottom of her case with her new clothes for her wife to wear the same night, maybe they’ll manage one evening where they can go a little bit up market to eat.

Back downstairs she puts away the wine glasses, the crockery she’d laid out on the table, only leaves the cake on the cake stand in the middle for the moment. Her stomach rumbling reminds her that she’s paused dinner and she considers freezing the steaks to have another day then changes her mind, flicks the oven back on for the potatoes and the tenderstem broccoli and shoves them in, busies herself with making sure the house is tidy and everything is packed until everything is almost done  and she heats the griddle, figures she’ll make Serena a steak sandwich to eat in the car the next day if she doesn’t get home in time to eat before bed. Instead of eating at the table with a glass of Shiraz she takes her plate and a bottle of beer to the sofa, finds something mindless on the tv as background noise. 

It’s not long before she gets bored of her own company, can’t remember the last time she has had the house to herself without at least one of the kids for company and she’s buzzing with the unspent energy that would have been used differently if Serena had made it home from work. She could take matters into her own hands she thinks but she knows that it won't be half as satisfying as it could have been with Serena there too, that it might scratch the itch but wouldn’t satisfy the need. Instead she pulls on her running gear, runs laps of the park until she feels less like her blood is buzzing and then makes the run home, showers quickly and then collapses thankfully into bed.

* * *

 

Serena checks the clock as she pulls off her third surgical gown of the night and sighs, six am, she’s exhausted, doesn’t remember the last time she pulled a twenty-four hour shift but thinks it was probably when she was still and F1. She considers her options as she wanders to the locker room, if she goes home she could be back by seven, just enough time to change and have breakfast before they have to pick the kids up or, she could stay at the hospital, grab a nap in the on-call room, get Bernie to bring her a change of clothes and get breakfast from pulses when Bernie and the kids arrive. It’s a no-brainer really, she shouldn’t be driving when she’s been awake for so long and the nap would definitely take the edge off the exhaustion long enough for her to interact with the kids and get herself to the car.

She decides on a nap then a shower, changes into a fresh set of scrubs before she grabs her phone before heading for the on-call room. She doesn’t check her phone until she is as comfortable as she can be in the on-call room bed, isn’t surprised to find a few messages from Bernie from the previous evening, sends a quick message to her wife to let her know her plan for the next hour or so, ask her to bring her some spare clothes before she scrolls through them, groans when she taps the picture message and it enlarges to fill her screen, the caption read ‘ _ a little something to keep you going. Happy Birthday beautiful. B x’ _ . It  _ would _ have been a happy birthday she thinks as her eyes drink in the image, Bernie’s face isn’t visible but she would recognise that scar bisecting her chest anywhere, knows that if she had been presented with this image she would have kissed her way from bottom to top. She doesn’t recognise the shirt but more than appreciates the way it hugs her wife’s body, the way it’s been left unbuttoned almost to the navel, tucked neatly into the waistband of the trousers leaving an expanse of bear chest for Serena’s greedy appreciation. It takes a great deal of willpower to tear her eyes away from that skin, to take in the rest of the picture, the perfectly tailored trouser, the slightest suggestion of a bulge. She sends another message  _ ‘we’ll definitely be revisiting what I missed out on soon’ _ falls asleep with a smile on her face, the picture fading slowly from her screen.

* * *

 

She wakes with a start, the phone still clutched in her hand ringing and she fumbles to answer it without fully opening her eyes.

“‘Ello?” she manages, doesn’t move from where she is cocooned in the duvet, doesn’t feel like she’s had anywhere near enough sleep.

“Darling it’s me, I’m downstairs.”

“Shit, what time is it?” she groans, forces herself upright, she’d gotten so distracted by Bernie’s damned picture that she had fallen asleep before she had managed to set an alarm.

“It’s ok, it’s still early, 7:30, I wanted to drop your things off before I get the kids so you had the chance to get yourself sorted.”

“Thank you,” she sighs, rubbing at her eyes, “can you come up? I’ll meet you at the door.”

 

She can’t help but smile when she swipes her pass to open the door onto the ward and Bernie is stood their, hair in floppy disarray, smiling, with a bag in one hand and a large coffee in the other.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” she murmurs, practically collapses against her wife who drops the bag in her hand and wraps her arm around her shoulders, kisses her temple, “I’m sorry I didn’t make it home last night.”

“Don’t worry about it,”

“But I do, because I clearly missed a treat,” she chuckles, takes another few moments to draw some energy from the blonde before she steps back, smiles at her wife’s blush, “Thank you for bringing me some clothes.”

“Any time,” she shrugs, “there’s two options I wasn’t sure how comfy you would want to go, and I figured you could do with this.”

“Thank you,” she accepts the take out cup, takes a grateful sip then takes the bag too, kisses her wife on the cheek, “ see you in about forty minutes?”

“Take your time, we’ll be downstairs when you are ready.”

 

By the time she heads down to the foyer she feels a little more human, she knows she still needs to catch up on her sleep, that probably as soon as she gets comfortable in the car she’ll nap but she at least feels awake enough to communicate coherently with the children for a little while. She’s almost bowled over the minute she steps out of the lift by the whirlwind that is her toddler,

“Mummy!” she yells and Serena grins down at her, moves the bag and what is left of the coffee into one hand so she can take Ellie’s and walk to where the rest of the family are waiting for her. Bernie takes her bags as soon as she can reach them, gives Serena the opportunity to crouch down and hug all of the kids in turn.

“Hey munchkin,” she says when she comes to Ellie, can only frown up at Bernie when their little girl won't let her go but the blonde can only shrug, help Serena to her feet when it is clear that the girl isn’t going to be left on the floor.

“Happy birthday mummy,” Cameron says, hugs into her hip and she ruffles his hair, “even if it was yesterday.”

“Mummy worked all day on her birthday so how about we just pretend that her birthday is today instead?”

“Do we get cake?” Charlotte asks and Serena chuckles,

“Very good question Charlie-girl,” she bats her lashes at her wife, “do we get cake?”

“Maybe,” Bernie shrugs, but her eyes are twinkling, “and presents too. Now come on, we have somewhere to be for breakfast.”

* * *

 

By the time they reach Edinburgh she feels like she might have just about caught up on her sleep though she is stiff in a way that she thinks only a hot bath will fix. Bernie nudges her awake as they are coming into the city and she settles her hand on the blondes thigh, watches the building they pass, listens to the kids chatter excitedly in the back. She frowns slightly when Bernie pulls into the car park across from Arthur’s seat.

“Figured we could all do with stretching our legs a little,” she says before Serena can even ask, doesn’t know why she is surprised, Bernie has proven time and again that she knows what Serena needs before she knows herself, “and if we run this lot around a bit you might be able to get another nap.

Ellie insists that Serena be the one to lift her out of the car, clings to her when she tries to put her down and so, she tries to ignore the way every bone in her body aches at the weight, reminds herself that it’s not often Ellie wants much of anything to do with her much preferring to stick with her big strong mumma, thinks she should make the most of the attention. 

They wander for half an hour around Holyrood Park, Cam and Lottie running ahead, jumping up onto boulders and finding sticks to fight with. Eventually Ellie agrees to be put down but she sticks close, walking between her parents one of their hands in each of hers. In the end it's the Scottish weather that drives them back to the car, the rain coming sudden and heavy and they all practically fall into the car giggling and shrieking, the considered ice cream replace in favour of coffee and hot chocolate. 

* * *

 

Bernie isn’t surprised that Serena starts to flag again once they are checked into the hotel, insists that she try and get some more sleep if she can. The brunette’s protests are weak and Bernie practically man handles her under the heavy duvet, presses a kiss to her forehead as she pulls it back up to her chin.

“Get some rest darling, don’t worry about us,” she murmurs and Serena’s eyes are already drifting closed. Closing the door gently behind herself she rejoins the kids in the suites central area where the kids are collected around the low coffee table, Cam racing two of his cars up and down the legs, Charlotte colouring in and Ellie perfectly content to lie on her back and sing to the ceiling; out of all of them she has slept the least and Bernie wonders if this is the beginning of a crash.

“Hey kids,” she says, perches on the edge of the sofa, “you know mummy missed her birthday yesterday because she had to work?” when at least Cam nods she continues, “I thought we could have a little party here tonight, give her some of her presents, what do you think?”

“Cake?” Charlotte asks and Bernie laughs, ruffles her hair, definitely her mother's daughter that one

“Yes sweetpea, I’ve brought cake and some banners and balloons, what do you think?”

“Do you need help mumma?” Cam asks

“I’d love some darling, if we all do a little bit I think we can get it all ready before mummy wakes up from her nap.”

When Serena had texted at six am Bernie had already been up and packing their things into the car ready for their overnight stay and then their holiday. By half past she had been at the supermarket buying all of the things she needed to make a passable birthday tea at the hotel, had thrown in a banner, balloons and some party hats too. It might not be the birthday she had planned for her wife or even the right day but she planned to make sure that the other woman got the birthday she deserves. 

It isn’t long before Ellie curls up on the small sofa and falls asleep with her thumb in her mouth. She briefly considers leaving her there until the other two start giggling and she decides she’d be better off away from the noise. She puts her in with Serena, smiles when Ellie immediately gravitates towards her in her sleep.

 

Serena wakes up to tiny hands on her face, blinks her eyes open to find Ellie grinning at her.

“Mummy ‘wake?” she trills and the brunette smiles, pulls her into a bear hug and blows a raspberry on her cheek

“Yes I am, what are you doing in here?”

“Ellie syeepy, cuddle mummy!”

“Have you had a nap then, should we go and see what Mumma, Cam and Charlotte are up to?” the girl nods and Serena pushes herself to her feet, scoops the toddler up onto her hip, “come on then munchkin.” She pauses in the doorway in surprise, the space transformed with banners and balloons.

“‘loons!” Ellie yells, kicks her feet to be down and draws the attention of the others.

“What’s all this then?” she asks as she lets the girls down, raises an eyebrow at her wife who just shrugs.

“Someone missed their birthday,” she offers, “and I didn’t fancy wrangling these three out for dinner,” Bernie moves closer and wraps her in a hug, “happy birthday sweetheart,”

“Thank you darling,” she kisses her gently, even so far on she can’t believe that she ever did anything that meant she deserved this woman in her life. She allows herself to be lead to the sofa, accepts the glass of shiraz she’s handed, helps Ellie climb onto her knee with her balloon. It’s possibly one of the stranger birthdays she has ever had but she doesn’t think she’d change it for the world.

* * *

 

“Thank you,” she says much later when they’ve got the kids settled and they are curled together in bed, Serena’s head on her wife’s shoulder, for all she feels ready for an uninterrupted nights sleep she is happy to spend this peaceful time with the woman she loves.

“No more than you deserve,” Bernie squeezes her shoulder, kisses her head.

“And I’m sorry about last night,”

“Don’t be, things happen, couldn’t be helped.” she feels Bernie shrug, twists onto her side, trails her fingers over the scar, “I’ve already asked your mother to have the kids one night before you go back to work so we can revisit things,”

“I can’t wait,” she purrs, kisses the blonde’s collar bone, “the picture was beautiful,” Bernie stays quiet but can imagine the blush, presses her body closer.

“There were other presents too,” Bernie says hotly and she shivers as cool fingers slide under the hem of her t-shirt, scitter across the bottom of her back, “things I didn’t want to bring because I’d be too tempted to try them out.” Serena groans into her neck, feels like she is blushing all over as a thousand possibilities race through her imagination, they’ve looked at a few things recently, she wonders which Bernie decided they should try, and then suddenly she is on her back, Bernie straddling her hips and her hands immediately begin to smooth over the blonde’s thighs, “I was so keyed up last night I nearly took matter into my own hands.”

“Bernie,” she whines, “stop teasing me.”

“You need to be quiet darling,” she breathes against her clavicle, “let me look after you.”


	36. Bathtime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny bit of fluffy family time with their middle child.

Bernie leans in the bathroom door and watches Lottie splash around in the tub, Serena knelt on the floor trying to coax the girl into having her hair washed, to Bernie it doesn’t look like it’s going too well. She feels out of breath from the short walk from their bedroom to the master bathroom but had woken up from her sleep to the sound of giggling coming from down the hall and had wanted to investigate, wanted to be part of something outside of the bedroom, outside of her family's concern.

“Mumma!” Lottie squeals, throws her arms up in the air bringing as much water with her as she can manage and all Bernie can do is grin even while she can hear Serena grumbling from the floor as she is covered in water, though by the looks of her, it’s not for the first time during this bath.

“Hey munchkin, you having fun?” she asks, lowers herself slowly down onto the closed toilet seat and offers her wife a reassuring smile, “I’m fine,” slipping from her lips before she can stop herself.

“Yuhuh,’ Lottie nods and Serena brushes the damp hair from her face, “mumma bath too?”

“Not right now sweetie, maybe soon though, when my stitches come out.”

“Your owee?”

“My owee,” she nods, generally given the option she would opt for a shower for herself but she’s found before that as soon as she can’t do something it’s all she wants to do and not being able to have a bath is killing her, she can’t wait to be able to soak in a hot bath, can’t wait to be able to run a bath in time for Serena getting in from a late shift and sharing it with her, can’t wait to lie in the water with Ellie curled up on her chest or Lottie splashing water in her face, “are you supposed to be having your hair washed little one?”

“Don’t want to,” Lottie shakes her head, folds her arms and does her best Serena impression, it takes all of the blondes willpower to hold back the laugh, squeezes her wife’s shoulder to stop her jumping into a lecture instead,

“But it’s already all wet,” she points out, rubs her thumb into the tense muscle she finds, feels guilty about the pressure her accident is putting on the brunette, “and it’ll take mummy two minutes to get it all done,”

“Nope,” Lottie shakes her head and she feels Serena sigh under her hand, slides her fingers up to massage the base of her skull.

“How about you let mummy wash your hair and then I’ll braid it for you?” she offers, isn’t sure that their middle child will remember the last time she was home to do her hair but thinks it’s worth a try, she also knows that her relationship with Lottie is the one that needs the most work, that she’s missed the most of her life, and thinks this is a good place to start, “And then I’ll read you a bedtime story?”

“Two,”

“Charlie-girl,” Serena warns and the girl pouts,

“Ok,” she huffs eventually and Bernie smiles at her, “you stay though?”

“Yes, I’ll stay,” she nods, tries to get as comfortable as she can, the toilet seat is at least more comfortable than standing.

* * *

 

By the time Lottie is ready to get out of the bath, fingers wrinkly and slightly chilly because she refused to get out when Serena asked her, Bernie is slightly concerned that she might be stuck where she is for the rest of the night.

“Straight through to your bedroom and get dry,” Serena says once she’s wrapped the little girl in a towel, pushes herself slowly to her feet once Lottie has dashed out of the door and down the hall, no doubt they’ll find her still in her towel or soaking wet in her pyjamas when they make it through to the bedroom but at least their little girl is content.

“Need a hand?” her wife looks down at her with a pointed look and Bernie can only smile sheepishly, nod her head, “slowly does it then,” she lets Serena hook her arms under her own, allows herself to be slowly helped to her feet, her back screams at the change in angle but once she is fully upright it returns to a dull ache. Serena doesn’t let her go as they move along the hall, back to their bedroom, lowers her gently down onto the edge of the bed. 

“Get yourself comfortable and for god’s sake take a painkiller, I’ll get Charlotte sorted and bring her through here.” 

Getting comfortable is easier said than done but she manages to shuffle her bum back so she’s sitting against the headboard, presses a tablet from the packet on her bedside table, stops herself taking a second, wants to at least manage to stay awake long enough to sort Lottie out and eat dinner with her wife at the very least, she’s bored of being exhausted, bored of being confined to bed, can’t wait until she can cut right back on the painkillers and maybe stop sleeping so much.

* * *

 

It doesn’t take long for Lottie to come bursting into the room, Serena not far behind her, she can’t help the wince when the little girl bounces onto the end of the bed, jars her whole body and she bites down on a yelp, not that Serena misses a thing.

“Charlie what have I told you about being careful not to hurt mumma?” she chastises and Lottie looks at her with wide, apologetic eyes,

“Sorry mumma,” she says and the wobble of her lip makes Bernie hold out her arms for her, kisses the crown of her head when she is snuggled closely in her arms, “didn’t mean to.”

“I know sweety,” she soothes, urges her back a bit so she can look at her face, “just no bouncing for now ok?”

“Promise,” Lottie nods and she strokes her cheek lightly,

“Good girl, now, turn around and we can sort your hair out, one braid or two?” 


End file.
